Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death

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One summer, my dad had a win

on the horses.

It was his usual stupid odds,

but this horse came in at 45-1.

Do we have to keep going over this?!

You know we do.

And he said to my mum, "I'm taking

you and Aggie on holiday. "

And you went to the Cotswolds.

Yes, we did.

He borrowed a tent

and took us camping.

What do you remember of the holiday?

It was magical,

just being in the country.

And at night, we'd sit around

the campfire and I'd tell him

which of the beautiful cottages

I was going to live in one day.

And now that day is almost here.

Yeah. Yet you are still anxious.

No. Are you lonely?

No, I'm talking to you.

Well, we've established, Agatha,

that you comfort-eat

when you're either lonely

or anxious.

This is my breakfast!

It's 350 calories,

and this bacon's so tough,

I reckon it takes me 400 to chew it,

so I'm actually losing weight

while I'm eating.

You're not anxious about this

being your last day of work? No.

You've always defined yourself

through work, Agatha.

We've talked about it being a shield

for your inferiority and

rootlessness, deep inadequacy and...

I've got another call coming.

We're in session -

don't turn me off!

Aggie, please, we need you.

The boys are launching

their new album this morning

and a photographer caught Danny

in a hotel room last night

with his wife's best friend.

Roy, I'm leaving in two days!

You are handling this.

Aggie, please, please...

I can't stand the woman.

She's so rude.

That's why she doesn't have

any genuine friends...

We want Danny!

We want Danny!

Thank God. It's a nightmare!

Where are the boys?

In the Marlborough Room.

Has Danny's wife had the baby yet?

She's in the hospital now.

Who's got the story?

The Sun's got the pictures.

Are they deniable?

Oh, no, they're not.

What are you doing?

Freshening him up.

No, no, no! We're taking Danny

out of the album launch. What?!

We'll get him photographed

looking sorry and dishevelled,

while I brief the media that it's

the pressures of being a new father

that are the cause

of this little indiscretion.

And that he's going to

the hospital now

to plead forgiveness from his wife.

She's going to kill me.

And you deserve it, you little twit.

Ow! Right.

Just get out there,

start looking sad and sorry.

We need your fans to still love you,

and it's impossible to feel bad

about someone

who looks like they're suffering.

Best publicity this album launch

could have hoped for. OK.

Danny Shine of Boyhood walked out

of his album launch today,

promising to grow up.

The pressures of fame have been

overwhelming in recent weeks.

Many of his young fans

were heartbroken

at seeing such a crestfallen figure

hurrying to the hospital

to be with his wife

as she expects their first child.

You...? Yeah. Oh, and the...? Yeah.

In entertainment news, Boyhood's

new album, We Can Be Corrupted,

looks set to become the

fastest-selling album of the year.

A double success for Danny Shine,

who became a father for the

first time this morning.

How are you feeling, Danny?

I couldn't be happier.

# They leave little traces

inside of me

# I climbed over mountains

# And found my way back home

# So many lessons that I have learned

# They leave an impression

# A time to return

To walk the wilderness

# And find my way back home

# I was stuck on a losing streak

But you helped me

to find my feet...

I still don't understand

why you're leaving us, Aggie.

Because that's always

been the plan.

Earn enough money and get out of this

rat race before I'm too old.

Don't!

But what are you going to

do in The Cotswolds?

Build a home. Fit in. You?

Yes, me.

I've always wanted to live there,

ever since I was a little girl.

I used to go there on holiday.

Won't you get lonely

out in the country?

It's been lonely here.

You'd better come and visit me.

Sure.

With whoever you're currently dating.

What's his name?

Steven. Steven. Oh, Agatha? What?

Here's a little something

just from me.

Oh, thank you.

And I thought you were being nice.

You'd be lost without a microwave,

Aggie.

Are you Mother's little helper?

No, that's Prozac.

How large is large?

It's large.

That's slightly sweeter.

Did you make it yourself?

Are you sure you're not coming

to the market?

No. I'm feeling a bit peaky

this morning.

Oh, poor darling.

See you later, then. Bye.

How long will she be gone?

Half an hour.

I'll get rid of the dog.

See you later, darling!

Oh, Andy!

Finally, the introduction

of county-wide

controlled village parking zones

are the result of almost two years

of intense debate...

.. I'm miserable now... No!

# Perfect

# It's got to be

# Perfect

# Too many people take second best

# But I won't take anything less

# It's got to be

# Yeah

Perfect...

Oh, charming!

Wednesday's market day.

Must remember that.

Hello!

Little children.

Oh! In your own time.

Road hog!

Thank you!

You have reached

your destination.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Who are you?!

The police! Turn them off!

Why are you trespassing?

Just turn them off!

Why are you here, anyway?

To welcome you to the village.

If you're the local bobby,

where's the uniform?

My name's Detective Constable

Bill Wong.

I work out of Evesham.

Why the...?

Because it makes me look 30 again.

Does it work? Yes.

I've got a rowing machine

and an exercise bike.

Is this what you're up to tomorrow?

Just trying to fit in.

Are you going to go now? I am.

Just do what people do

and you'll fit in fine.

Why do you care?

Because I'm being friendly.

It's a friendly village, this.

People are nice to each other.

Is this all your stuff?

Yes. It's like a show home.

Thank you.

Was that an insult?

It looks nice - that's what I meant.

Well, why wouldn't you just say that?

"It looks nice. "

It looks nice. Good.

Goodbye. Right.

Is your wife out tonight, Andy,

or are you just giving the dog

a long walk?

She's doing her amateur dramatics.

Oh, do your Jack Bauer.

Do your Jack Bauer! I love that.

The following takes place

between 10:
42 and 10:45,

on the day of the

Californian Presidential Primary.

I love 24! Ooh! Oh!

Sheila!

I thought you'd finished with her.

Look, love, you're not my wife.

I'm not answerable to you,

so stop spying on me.

I'm going to tell her husband.

Then you'll stop seeing her.

Sheila... And he'll hurt you, Andy.

He'll hurt you badly.

Come on, boy.

Good morning! Nice weather for it.

Yes, it is. It is indeed.

It's beautiful.

Is that all you want?

Yes, thanks.

What type of quiche

are you entering for the competition

this year, Gail?

I thought ricotta cheese and prawn.

Oh. I think that would make me

want to vomit.

Well, I gave it to Sarah Bloxby

last week and she didn't throw up.

So I think I'm in with a better

chance than last year.

I'd love to win.

It's so prestigious.

It's nice weather we're having.

Yes.

Have you got everything you need

there, Mrs. Raisin?

Is it possible

to find a cleaner round here?

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