Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death Page #2

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Oh, it's very difficult, I'm afraid.

Not your wife? Or your mother,

if she's still active?

No. Let's hope the weather

holds for the weekend.

This quiche competition on Saturday -

do you know who the judge is?

Andy Cummings-Browne.

Ah! And do you have his phone number?

Yes? Hello. I'm calling from the

office of Agatha Raisin... Who?

She's just taken up residence

in Carsely

and would like to arrange

a social visit. Will you be in?

That'll be fine. Many thanks.

Agatha Raisin, new to the village.

I believe my secretary rang ahead.

You've just taken Budgen's cottage?

That's right.

Maybe you can help me.

I was thinking of entering

your Great Quiche competition,

but don't quite know

how to go about it.

Read one of the leaflets.

Good idea! Would you care to join me

for dinner this evening?

You could give me a few hints

on how to do the things

that people do

when they do things around here.

It'll be on me. Do they do food

at the White Horse?

I wouldn't be seen dead

at the White Horse.

They do good food at

the Feathers in Ancombe.

The Feathers it is, then.

I shall see you there. 7.30.

Oh, hello! Lady on the bike!

Agatha Raisin, new to the village.

Agatha Raisin.

What is it, dear?

I'm your new neighbour... dear.

What? What?

I need a cleaner.

Do you have the name of a cleaner?

It's impossible round here.

I'm lucky enough to have

the Simpson girl on Thursdays,

but she can't possibly fit you in.

Well, you could give me her number

and I could give her a try.

Absolutely not.

Right.

You don't know where

the Simpson girl lives, do you?

All day Thursday, 12 an hour,

and I'll provide lunch.

That's double what I get

from snotty old Sheila Barr.

Will you be making the lunch

yourself?

Mum says all she normally gets is

salad, and she's fed up with them.

No, it'll be good food.

Ready meals, oven chips, mayonnaise.

Excellent. Yeah, go on, then.

You're on, love.

Then why don't you ring Sheila now

and break the bad news?

Yeah, all right.

Hello, dear.

You must have seen them,

littering up the village green.

Bored out of their box. No morality.

Goodness knows

what they get up to.

The bill's on its way, I think.

I just need the ladies.

Nothing that a few years in barracks

wouldn't sort out.

Your bill, madam. Oh, thank you.

As a single woman living alone,

Mrs. Raisin,

if you ever get scared by the noises

of the night, you must call me.

Why?

I could come over and protect you,

if that's what you want.

Any trouble in the night, just call.

It wouldn't be any bother...

to... sort you out.

Now, before I settle this bill,

would you like another malt whisky?

No, two's your limit,

isn't it, darling?

Two's good for me.

Now, tell me, Andy... what normally

wins the quiche competition?

Oh, spinach, usually.

Though, occasionally

my eye gets caught by tomato.

You know you have to submit them

on Friday evening

for judging on Saturday?

Well, I bake a beautiful spinach.

Ella Cartwright usually does

a spinach doesn't she, darling?

I don't recall.

Ella Cartwright?

Is she my main threat?

She wins every year.

Well, I think you'll find

that my quiche

is known for being

the finest in London.

Thank you, madam.

Don't worry about the change.

What a nightmare woman. Hi, Tarzan!

Can she cook? Well, who cares?

I might get her

in the amateur dramatics, though.

She looks a drama queen.

Come on, boy, let's get you

some food. Good boy!

You'll be asked to leave the village

if they find out you're cheating.

But they won't, will they?

Oh, they smell lovely. On the table

over there. Well done, Davina.

Lovely!

That's beautiful! Put the cakes

on the table over there.

Well done.

Agatha Raisin, spinach quiche.

Well done, Agatha.

With quiche, over there.

That looks lovely!

That looks really nice.

Shouldn't you be

in the village hall,

instead of lurking around here?

Don't you ever give up?

Nothing puts me off.

I like lurking. Especially here.

That little kiss

we had last Christmas... Don't!

Can you still taste it?

I can still taste the mulled wine,

which I had too much of.

Because if we don't have

another soon,

your husband -

your sainted husband -

might get to hear about it.

Andy!

Hi. Sarah was just telling me

you might need a hand.

I'm nearly done, actually.

Who's getting crucified? I am.

Bugger off!

Chill out!

Excuse me!

Come on, quickly!

Police business!

Have they taken everything?

Everything.

Apart from your Germaine Greer

poster. And your awards.

Is there somebody else

there with you? The police!

And how does this make you feel?

Lonely? Anxious? Of course it does!

What do you think it says about you

that people think

they can burgle YOU? Be quiet.

Well, this is most unusual.

We haven't had a home burglary

in Carsely for...

Since before I was born, sir.

Moreton-in-Marsh is a different

story. It's a hotbed of criminality.

Mostly burglaries, never murder.

Which is a shame.

Because that's why you join

the police force, isn't it?

But I've never had one.

And I think I'd cope with it

quite well. Do you mind if I...?

Was anything of value been taken?

Yes!

I paid a design team a fortune

to make this place feel like home.

Or a show home.

Maybe now you can use

the insurance money

to put what you like in the house.

Because it wasn't very homely,

Agatha.

Are you trying to look

for a silver lining?

It's just things. You're all right,

which is the main thing.

This is my home, Bill!

We'll need you to itemise exactly

what's been taken, Mrs. Raisin.

We have to say that,

but we never find anything.

You told me if I did what people did,

I'd fit in here.

That I would be happy.

You will. You've got the village

fete to look forward to tomorrow.

Oh, God!

Get your raffle tickets here!

There you go.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Are you Agatha? I am. Sarah Bloxby.

I'm sorry to hear about your trouble

last night, but I must admit

I have never seen a quiche

with such a delicate crust.

Thank you. Can you tell me

which one is Ella Cartwright?

She's over there in the blue.

That's a woman?

Not him, her. She's won it

for the last six years.

I heard that.

I mean, who does she have to

sleep with round here

to get a run of success like that -

the vicar?

Well, I hope not - he's my husband.

Oh.

She hadn't been here a day before

she swiped the Simpson girl off me!

Paying her a fortune!

She's just a blow-in from London.

She'll be running back

within a fortnight.

Agatha Raisin, spinach,

new to the village.

Gail Murray, mushroom, born here.

I'm sorry about your trouble

last night. It's nothing.

What will I win if I...? Ssh!

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I can interrupt the chit-chat

and the scoffing of biscuits

for a moment...

Can't hear you!

What will the winner win?

Five pounds.

Not a big shiny cup?

I'd like to announce the results.

There's been a tremendous effort,

particularly in the

new potato department...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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