Airheads Page #2

Remember that guy Doper Greg?

Remember that guy, man?

He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's

face and make the thing watch cartoons.

So what? Will you shut up?

- Just get to the point. What?

He won a radio giveaway and when he

went to the station they wouldn't let him in.

It was like this total security building. They...

...slid his ticket through

a slot with salad tongs.

So just because that anus couldn't get in

means that we can't?

If anybody gives us any static,

I shove this in their face.

Agh.

But remember that fat kid

on Hard Copy with a toy gun?

The cop zapped him with a Taser

till he went bald.

Then he sued for a million bucks

when his pubes didn't grow.

He's still got no hair on his balls, man.

Go to the back.

It's locked.

- Pip, give me your bank card.

Come on, let's go. I'll get this door open.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Piece of cake. Watch this.

What's your secret code?

- Huh? What for?

That's how these things work.

I can't tell you my code.

- Will you tell him the code? And hurry up.

You punch it in, OK?

Please don't look.

Hey. The thing took my card.

- Oh, sh*t.

All right. Stand back.

What are you doing, MacGyver?

Open it up. I'm gonna short-circuit it.

Nah.

- We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's go.

Hey, Pip, you quitting on us?

- The door's locked.

You flake. You don't care about this band.

You run around all day in your fudgies.

Not true.

- It is too.

I always gotta tell you to put pants on.

- He's making this up.

Will you both shut up, please?.

OK. You're brothers, all right?

We haven't lucked out yet. Stay here, Pip.

Agh. You got a big mouth, man.

Hey, Pip.

Oh, my God.

Pip. Pip.

Oh, my... Here.

Are you all right? Cos I'm really sorry.

I just came out for a cigarette.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

- I'm really sorry. I just came out and bonk.

Hi.

- Hi.

Suzzi, caller 50 needs some tickets.

Sh*t. I gotta go. Bye.

Yeah. Sweetness.

Come on.

There we go.

You wanna make a change,

right? Get serious...

...about your look at Hair Bomb on Melrose.

What, Doug?

- Um, here, see. It's all there.

Coloring, razor cuts, popcorn, perms and

weaves. It brings out the rock star in you.

Well, this is beautiful.

- Well, I try to be a team player.

I may need you to come in tomorrow.

I'm cutting loose some dead weight.

There'll be a lot going on.

Oh, boy.

What's the problem?

- Well, I've been having a little bit of, uh...

...itching on my... It could be hemorrhoids.

- I don't wanna hear that.

I know. It's just that I made

an appointment with my proctologist...

...to get some type of cream or something.

So you're gonna leave me high and dry?

That's a nice team attitude.

Well, I suppose I could

come in for most of Saturday.

And Sunday.

- Well, yeah, yeah.

Now, when are you planning

on breaking this to everyone?

I thought I'd wait for

exactly the right moment.

I mean, these things require

a certain measure of delicacy.

# Are you ready...

...# To rumble?

Sunday. Swamp motorcycle racing

at its best.

The USSCA brings you the ultimate

in swamp-race action.

60,000 cubic feet of

muddy slop poured into...

Hey.

We're a band.

Of course. The Partridge Family.

Which one of you is Laurie?

Get out.

- We came to talk to you about a demo tape.

We were wondering if you could set us up

like you did with the Sons of Thunder.

How did you morons get in?

They've got electronic locks on the doors.

We had to break in.

This place is sealed up like a dolphin's butt.

- Watertight.

Let me get this straight.

Um...

You guys are an unsigned band...

...and you broke into the radio station

to get your demo played on the air?

That's about the skinny of it.

- And what sound...

...are you megastars of the future hip to?

What is your musical vibe?

Well...

- That's a good question.

We could play anything.

- Not that slap-bass noise. I hate that.

It's more like a power slop.

- But we don't limit ourselves to labels.

There's always someone who wants...

...to lump you together

with the other buttholes.

This is one of the things

we're struggling against.

I'm telling you, it is tough.

- This guy knows.

I got booted out of Palatine Records,

my girlfriend kicks me

out of the apartment...

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to conjure up...

...the kind of woman

who would go out with you.

She's not like what you'd think.

She's actually really cool...

...and, well, I guess what

it all comes down to...

...is that we really care

about each other and...

...I screwed up. She's been

there for me from the beginning.

I think I let her down,

but I still want us to be tight.

Uh-oh, I think we're busted.

What did I do now?

- Get these guys out. Are we still on air?

Milo, I get six minutes of talk an hour.

What do you care how I spend them?

Get these morons off the

air. I'm warning you.

Ease up. Somebody gave you a break once.

- Even though you're a goon.

I say we make this an open forum.

Let's hear the man out.

Go ahead, Conan. Explain to Milo

why we should play your tape.

I'm not pulling pud here.

My entire life force is on this tape...

...and I don't know what else to say.

Come on, man, can you give us a shot?

How can you say no to that?

- You're on thin ice. You're not untouchable.

You think you are, but you're not.

- Get out. Without me you have no ratings.

We'll see about that.

Let's go. Out. All you losers.

Get your hands off me, Jackson.

- You wanna try gettin' physical with me?

Listen, you shaved ape, I could have you...

...picking up garbage for

the rest of the decade.

You wanna get smart with me? Try it.

I will not be pushed around

by Hollywood Boulevard trash like you.

I'm trash?

You think you're better than me? Huh?

Oops.

- He's got a gun. He's got a gun.

Hey, stop squirming, p*ssy.

I'll fill your face so full of lead,

you'll be shitting bullets for a week.

Come on, Rex.

- Shut up.

Ian, you wanna talk to these fellas?

- What do you suggest?

Say something. They like you.

- Shut up, dick-smoke.

Chazz, come on.

All right. You would've been cool, but...

...then this penis had to

step in and get heavy.

All we wanna do is to

be heard, and then go.

Believe me, I understand. Just cool it, huh?

Why don't you cut your losses?

You're in over your head.

Shut your face. Just shut your stupid face.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

That's the problem with

you guys. You think...

...cos you have a big

job you know something.

Wrong. You got Hagar slacks, a pony-nub.

- Bet it ain't even real.

Ow.

- Hey, hey, hey. Just cool it, huh?

Hey, guys, we're all rock 'n' rollers here.

You look like half a butt-puppet that...

Do you know what it's like to be

on the bill, play for 15 minutes...

...and the only people there

are the other bands?

Don't talk to me about rock 'n' roll.

I'm out there in the clubs living it.

I am rock 'n' roll.

It's guys like you and Jimmie Wing

that ruin everything...

...for everyone.

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