Airheads Page #6

What did I do? I'm just yankin' the guy.

It's one thing to goof

around but we do have...

...a serious agenda here. Are you with that?

Yeah, I'm with that.

- Good.

Moody.

Pip?

What are you thinking about?

Swimming pools.

Swimming pools, huh?

- Yeah. I wish I was in one right now.

The water's all clear and cool,

and you spin around in there like an egg.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Mm-mm.

No?

It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?

I don't know.

We got that background check in.

- Yeah, let me see this.

'Chazz Darby, born Jerkwater, Iowa.

Real name:
Chester Ogilvie.'

DMV says his occupation

is master of ceremonies.

Arrests?

- Just two tickets for helmet violation.

Just another small-town punk

comin' out west to be a star.

Anything else?

Yeah. The local PD just

faxed us his picture.

Chester.

I'm giving you the same rate

as everybody else.

I know it's steep, but think

how many people will listen.

This is primo advertising.

Yo, scumbag,

are you selling ads on our airtime?

Hold on a second, Brad.

D'you mind? I've got a station to run here.

Yeah, I'm back. If the cops kill him before

the spot runs, you'll get a complete refund.

Oh. Uh, Brad.

You just hung up on an important man.

Agh.

Oh.

Help.

D'you find anything in that van? Drugs?

Nah, just some toys and

a bunch of pool-cleaning gear.

Pool-cleaning gear?

Give me that damn phone.

What? A gun.

Affirmative. These cowboys

are more dangerous than I thought.

Work your way up the

vent ducts to the roof.

Two of my men will meet you there.

Yeah, but a gun?

- Mace out.

Can I ask you something?

What's with you guys and these tattoos?

Check it out. I got this barbed wire here.

A gecko. And this one is so cool.

It's, uh... the Grim Reaper. See?

I'm gonna get some more cash and

probably color it in or put some chaps on it.

You know, I can understand 'Mom'

or 'I Heart Wanda', but why the Reaper?

Well, it's like death is stalking me...

...and it's telling me I better get

off my ass and get this band rolling.

This is for real. I gotta cut a record.

I figure I'm screwed up enough that I could

write a song that'll live on for ever...

...and then after that it don't matter.

You know?

OK, kiddies, listen up because

this is Ian the Shark's final night at KPPX.

Special unscheduled announcement:

effective Monday, this station goes...

...easy listening.

We're having a big farewell party tonight...

...so come on down.

As part of our final hurrah

we have a special segment:

'Getting To Know Your Armed Assailant.'

Now we have Chazz Darby here.

Now, Chazz, you say

all you wanna do is be heard.

Well, you've got the whole world listening.

What have you got to say?

Well, I guess all we have to say

is that we wanna be heard.

Yeah, well, we've kind of

established that. What else?

Um...

Hey, man, you can't

be putting me on the spot.

You want him to make a speech?

Who does he look like, Sting?

OK, you've sold out the Forum, you're

standing in front of 20,000 screaming fans.

What are you gonna say to 'em?

- I'm gonna say...

...rock 'n' roll.

Warp speed, Mr. Sulu.

Yeah.

That's it? You'll scream 'Rock 'n' roll'?

You're gonna go to jail for that?

There's a saying, Milo:

'If it's too loud, you're too old.'

Where are you goin'?

- You mind if I take a pee, man?

Good luck.

Don't forget to shake.

Milo.

What are you doing, you little buttnut?

Milo, Milo, Milo.

Milo.

Open the door, Milo.

- Quiet.

I said open the door, Milo.

What was that?

- I don't know.

Don't yell at me, Milo.

You're screwing on a $1,400 leather couch.

You're so rude. You don't just

burst in here without knocking.

If there is one stain on that couch...

- You'll what?

Fire me? Well, guess what? I quit.

Oh, don't. I don't want you to lose your job

over this. Milo, this was my bust.

A screamfest... Oh, Pip.

- Get your filthy shoes off my furniture.

Suzzi, you can leave right now.

- No, I can't, because I'm a hostage...

...and Pip is my...

Pip is my man with a gun.

And he says I get to stay. Right, Pip?

- Sorry, dude.

Pip, put the monster away.

Oh, now what?

All right, everybody back to the booth.

- Argh.

Oh, please, no. Don't do this.

I can't take it, man. My

aunt was buried alive.

Give it a rest.

- Not in the closet.

What are they doing?

- Messin' with our heads.

Chazz. Chazz. Guys.

Hey, Chazz, let me in.

- Keep an eye on him, Pip.

Chazz. Hey, guys. Chazz, let me in.

Who are you?

- Chris Moore, Capitol Records. Let me in.

I told you, man. Things are going our way.

- Take a few steps back from the door.

And toss me some ID.

OK, here.

- How'd you find us?

The cops told me you're

looking for a record...

...contract. We've gotta

take advantage of this.

Yeah, what's that?

- Will you look? This is hot.

You're the hottest thing since Marky Mark.

- Marky Mark. That guy sucks.

OK, forget him.

There's magic here. Let's talk contracts.

I promise you, someday we're gonna be...

...backstage at the Forum

laughing about this.

All right, what side did you take

in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?

What?

- What a question.

What side did you take? Halen or Roth?

- Van Halen.

He's a cop.

- Later, bacon.

Strictly a judgment call. They sold a lot of

records after David left. One more question.

Right, right, right. Who'd win

in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?

Lemmy.

- Ah.

God.

- Wrong. Trick question. Lemmy is God.

Oh, come on.

- Get the hell out of here.

Get out of here. Get out of here.

What the hell is this, O'Malley?

Now you bring in a cop to try to kill me?

Is that it? I'm not going nowhere, pal.

You put the power back on.

- You're stirring the crowd up.

I got free concert tickets here.

For me and you and you...

What the hell is going on? Get those

people outta here. Get 'em outta here.

I love a parade.

Hey, man, check out all

that poony. We could...

...parley this into a hummer. They love us.

Yeah, they love us.

You put the power back on.

No, I won't, Chazz. I'm

drawin' the line there.

Yo, is everyone havin' a good time tonight?

- Yeah.

Wanna see the cops shut this party down?

So they got the cards. We got the numbers.

Rodney King. Rodney King.

Rodney King. Rodney King.

Holy sh*t.

Rodney King?

What's that supposed to mean?

He's that guy.

Rodney King.

All right, dammit.

Turn the goddamn power back on.

Chazz. Chazz.

Kayla. I tried to call you.

I'm sorry, it was my fault.

No, I was being a b*tch.

Why don't you give it up, Chester?

You can talk it over later.

Stay out of this and get your hands off her.

- Why did he call you that?

Uh...

- There's a lot Chester didn't tell you about.

What's he talking about, Chazz?

- It's, uh... He's, uh...

Ah, shi... You, man...

Kayla, there's something I gotta tell you.

What?

Um...

I was a geek in school.

I had really short hair.

I played Dungeons and Dragons.

I had a bug collection. I ate my boogers.

- Ugh.

My name's not Chazz.

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