Airplane II: The Sequel Page #16

SFX:
MUSIC - LAZY SAX

TED:

Maybe you gotta be crazy to end up behind

the eight ball like this. Anyway, you

find out pretty fast who your friends are

when you're on the lamb.

SFX:
LAMB BLEATS FROM OTHER SIDE OF ROOM

Ted turns away from the window and passes the lamb in bed.

TED:

(to lamb)

I'm going out for cigarettes and a fifth

of bourbon. Don't wait up for me.

SFX:
COMPLAINING BLEAT.

Ted grabs his straightjacket and leaves.

TED:

Virgin wool. Nothin' but headaches.

A Bo Peep staff is flung against door as it closes behind

him.

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

an empty, spotless, wet street. One car parked under a

street lamp.

SFX:
BLOODHOUNDS APPROACH AND GO OFF INTO DISTANCE

TED (V.O.)

I travelled at night in the shadows. I

didn't want to attract attention.

SFX:
FOOTSTEPS, GARBAGE CANS BEING KNOCKED OVER, CATS

SCREAMING, PEOPLE YELLING "SHUT UP" OUT WINDOWS, GLASS

BREAKING.

TED (V.O.)

I was afraid to step out of the doorways.

You never know what to expect when you're

on the run.

Ted steps into light. GLORIA STEINAM passes with CAB

CALAWAY. A grand PIANO SMASHES to pavement next to Ted. He

ignores piano and gives Gloria and Cab a quizzical look.

SFX:
DOGS IN DISTANCE

CLOSEUP - TED'S FEET

He steps in a puddle where a "BAR-COCKTAILS" sign is

reflected. The reflection shatters.

A streetcleaning truck approaches spewing out garbage rather

than water. Ted's ankles are sprayed with garbage. He

bends down and picks up a wet matchbook -- "HARRY'S PLACE --

FOR A GOOD TIME."

CUT TO:

EXT. ANOTHER DARK STREET - CLOSEUP OF TED

standing, looking at a bar. The glow of flashing neon sign

reflects off his face. He pulls out a cigarette. A woman's

hand shoots INTO FRAME holding a lit zippo. Ted draws

deeply on the cigarette.

TED (V.O.)

There I was, minding my own business when

I looked up and saw a pair of legs that

went forever.

ANGLE ON WOMAN'S FEET

PAN UP AND UP AND UP. She is all legs -- no torso, no head,

just legs -- about two stories high.

TED (V.O.)

But I had a date with Harry's. It was

little more than a hole in a wall on the

south side of Chicago.

ANGLE ON A HOLE:

bashed in the side of a brick wall. A neon sign over the

hole reads, "HARRY'S GOODTIME BAR."

INT. HARRY'S

dark, smokey bar. PAN very tough faces standing along the

bar.

TED (V.O.)

Harry's was perfect for me. The kind of

place you go if you don't want to be

recognized.

KEEP PANNING tough faces, but now they all wear Groucho

glasses and noses.

TED (V.O.)

It was rough, real rough.

ANGLE ON POOL TABLE

with four players -- all have broken thumbs in casts.

TED (V.O.)

The kind of place you could score

anything, from junk...

One guy hands another guy a large, rusted car fender for

money.

TED (V.O.)

...to Phil Donahue's book.

PHIL DONAHUE signs a stack of books at a table.

TED (V.O.)

At Harry's you could count on a fight

breaking out almost every night.

TWO PROFESSORS argue at a table.

PROFESSOR 1

And I say essence precedes existence.

PROFESSOR 2

You're crazy! Existence precedes essence.

PROFESSOR 1

Essence!

PROFESSOR 2

Existence!

Professor 2 slugs Professor 1 sending him flying across the

room. Professor 1 gets up and throws a judo chop which

Professor 2 stops by holding a book up in both hands. The

book splits in two like a piece of wood split by a karate

chop.

TED (V.O.)

There was a small trio in one corner.

Two midgets play light jazz -- piano and bass.

TED (V.O.)

And a larger trio in the other corner.

Five 300-pound musicians play some tune in another corner.

ANGLE ON TED AT BAR - CLOSEUP OF TED

He pulls out a cigarette. A bare foot with zippo held in

toes comes INTO FRAME and lights it.

TED:

The last thing I wanted was Elaine to see

me down on my luck. Well, it was just my

luck. In she walked with a group from the

space program.

ANGLE ON DOOR:

Elaine and Simon and two other couples, who look like clean-

cut NASA types out of "The Right Stuff," walk in laughing

and take a table.

TED (V.O.)

They'd come to Harry's to slum it and try

their hand at the video bull.

The group prod Elaine to try the bull. A cowboy hat flies

across the room. She grabs it, pulls it on, and moves to

the bull which is surrounded by others in cowboy hats.

Elaine hops in the saddle. A sinister character puts a

quarter in and madly flips knobs.

SFX:
VIDEO GAME

The saddle doesn't move -- all the action is on the screen

but Elaine throws one hand back and kicks her legs.

TED (V.O.)

Elaine made that ride look easy. It was

obvious why I was still nuts about her.

She loved life. I didn't want her to

notice me so I borrowed a pair of dark

glasses.

Ted takes a pair of dark glasses off a passing blind man who

walks perfectly until the glasses are gone, then starts

stumbling and crashes over a table.

TED (V.O.)

Grabbed an alto sax and joined the group.

Ted takes an alto sax from a passerby who also stumbles and

crashes over a table when he loses his sax.

TED (V.O.)

I stayed in the background not wanting to

draw attention to myself.

Everyone looks around trying to see where the terrible

grating sax sound is coming from.

TED (V.O.)

Then what happened? Elaine's crowd talks

her into joining us for a song.

Elaine hops up on the stage, grabs a mike and starts to sing

"Stormy Weather." She sidles up to Ted and goes into a

medley of old songs.

DISSOLVE TO:

HOURS LATER:

Elaine's singing is just as bad as Ted's sax. They have

cleared the joint and play and sing alone. Elaine's group

finally pull her out. She hasn't recognized Ted.

ELAINE:

(to Ted)

I don't know who you are or how you lost

your sight, but I'll never forget this

night as long as I live.

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