Airplane II: The Sequel Page #15

He gives her a look.

PASSENGER:

We're going to crash!!

TERRORIST 1

God is great!!

TERRORIST 2

Death to America!!

TERRORIST 3

The yellow pencil is on the table of my

aunt!!

ANGLE ON ELAINE:

ELAINE:

There is absolutely nothing to worry

about!

ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "BULLSHIT" SIGN

ELAINE:

Your crew is in complete control of the

situation.

ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT" SIGN

INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM

McCrosky bursts through the doors and heads to the monitors.

He wears a raincoat and shirt and tie. He is met by

Controller 1. They move across room.

McCROSKY

Get me a cup of coffee, mister.

CONTROLLER 1

Yes, sir.

McCROSKY

And a gallon of milk of magnesia, and a

ham on rye, no cheese!

CONTROLLER 1

Yes, sir! Welcome home, sir!

McCrosky takes off his raincoat revealing scuba tank. He

takes off his tank as well.

CONTROLLER 2

(approaching McCrosky)

Here are the navigational charts, sir.

McCROSKY

Thanks.

Another Controller passes. McCrosky stops him.

McCROSKY

Get me a readout on their fuel capacity.

CONTROLLER 3

Yes, sir.

CONTROLLER 4

Here's all the available information on

the sun. That thing's hot, sir.

McCrosky takes the info and burns his hand.

SFX:
STEAM

McCROSKY

Ahhhhhh! Get me Bud Kruger immediately!

(spotting Jacobs)

Jacobs, I want to know absolutely

everything that's happened up till now!

JACOBS:

First the earth cooled. Then the

dinosaurs came but were too big and died

and everything got rotten and turned into

oil and the Arabs bought Mercedes Benzs

and then there was the best TV special on

Judy Garland. Then we lost the war with

Albania. Then...

McCrosky leaves Jacobs babbling.

McCROSKY

Things sure haven't changed.

McCrosky stands in front of a huge painting of himself.

Both he and painting are in the same pose -- one hand

loosens the tie, he drinks coffee with the other, a

cigarette dangles from his lip.

INT. CABIN - CLOSEUP OF TED

He is lost in thought. SUPER IMAGES:

-- Ted getting electro-shock

-- Psychiatrist telling him he's sick

-- Ted building the "Close Encounters" mound

Ted is shaken out of his dream by Elaine.

ELAINE:

Ted, Ted. Listen to me, Ted. You were

right all along. Ted, we've lost the crew

and Simon's turned to jelly!

INT. CABIN - ANOTHER ANGLE

Simon is a jelly mold inside a uniform.

CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)

(on radio)

Come in, Mayflower. This is mission

control. Over. Come in, Mayflower!

Over!

Jimmy pokes his head in.

JIMMY:

Do you want to talk about it now,

Commander?

INT. CABIN - ANOTHER ANGLE

Elaine stands over Ted looking at the empty bottle of stress

pills.

ELAINE:

My God.

Stella approaches in nurse's uniform splattered with blood.

A cigarette dangles from her lip. She wipes her hands on a

blood-splattered towel.

STELLA:

He's finally come to terms with his own

psychosis.

ELAINE:

But he was right! He's not crazy!

STELLA:

Miss, I'm a nurse with a dying F-A-T-H-E-

R, I know what I'm talking about. Now I'm

going to need fresh sheets, gauze, Q-tips,

and all the vaseline you have on board!

Now!

Elaine leaves, looking back at Ted with empathy. Mary

passes.

STELLA:

(to Mary)

I'll need all the boiling water you can

get your hands on!

Mary leaves and a MAN passes holding a tattered arm.

MAN:

Are you a nurse?

STELLA:

Yes.

(handing him a urine bottle)

The washroom's down there on your right.

The Man leaves, a quizzical look on his face.

STELLA:

(yelling after him)

And not too much!

A BLACK U.S. ARMY SERGEANT (imagine Jim Brown) approaches

Stella.

SERGEANT:

Can I help?

Stella hands him an M-16.

STELLA:

Keep an eye on that side of the ship.

The Sergeant drops into a seat next to a window, smashes out

the glass with his rifle butt and is immediately sucked out.

MARY moves down the aisle with a cart collecting boiling

water.

MARY:

(to passengers)

I'll need all your boiling water.

Passengers pull pots of boiling water from under their

seats, handbags, coat pockets, and pour them into the

passing container.

Testa reassures Bob and Alice Wilson.

TESTA:

We should be out of this momentarily.

There's nothing to worry about.

ALICE:

Thank you. That makes me feel so much

better.

Testa leaves and Father O'Flanagan approaches with last

rites paraphernalia.

O'FLANAGAN

Trust me, I'm a priest. We're in sh*t up

to our ears. Who wants last rites?

ANGLE ON TEXAN:

He is now completely entangled in the tfilin and struggles

to free himself.

ANGLE ON ELAINE:

Elaine passes Ted carrying sheets, vaseline, etc. She looks

at him sitting there in a fog, gives up and leaves. Ted

looks at the red flashing "FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS" sign. It

takes him back.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GROUNDS OF MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY

SFX:
SIRENS WAIL, 101 BLOODHOUNDS BAY

We see the hospital deep in b.g. across an expansive lawn.

Suddenly Ted's face pops INTO FRAME, CLOSEUP. He looks both

ways and bolts. He wears a straightjacket.

ANGLE ON HOSPITAL SIGN

"THE GERALD FORD INSTITUTE FOR THE MENTALLY FEEBLE -- WE

MAKE PEOPLE SANE THE OLD FASHION WAY"

Suddenly the dogs scramble INTO FRAME in front of the sign,

slobbering. A half-dozen viscious-looking GUARDS in

reflector shades with shotguns, whips, nets, cattle prods,

follow.

GUARD ONE:

(Southern accent)

Damn! I want that patient shot on sight!

INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

SUPER:
CHICAGO

Ted stands at window. A neon "BAR" sign flashes outside so

close to the window that the only way to read it is to rent

this room.

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