Airplane II: The Sequel Page #19

The buyer grabs the seller's shirt and tries to get cash

back. A fight ensues.

McCROSKY

He didn't have a crew either. He said he

couldn't do it. But when the going got

tough that kid pulled it together.

The seller's shirt is ripped. Knives are pulled.

McCROSKY

You might have read about him; he made all

the big papers and the Canadian Jewish

News.

The seller is stabbed.

McCROSKY

I don't know where he is today but if he

was up there right now, I know he'd find

some way to turn that bucket around and

get the hell out of there, pronto!

ANGLE ON JACOBS:

JACOBS:

I wish I could talk like that -- so macho

yet so sensitive.

ANGLE ON McCROSKY'S BOOK - "PEP TALKS FOR ALL OCCASIONS"

McCrosky slams it shut.

McCROSKY

I just hope I said the right thing.

TED (V.O.)

I'm afraid you gave the wrong speech.

McCrosky. I'm not your problem. It's

this ship. That computer's gone bananas.

McCROSKY

(holding up the book)

Why the hell are we still using the old

manual! Burn this book!

A smiling blonde man in a white sweater with "MORAL

MAJORITY" on the front walks by and takes the book.

McCROSKY

(on radio)

Just hold on, Striker, we'll get back to

you.

INT. COCKPIT

Ted writes a note to Elaine and hands it to her -- it reads,

"WE MUST FIND SOME WAY TO BLOW THAT COMPUTER!" Elaine looks

a bit nervous and licks her lip. They look up at ROK's

pulsating eye.

Testa pokes her head in. She's soaked with sweat.

TESTA:

The cabin temperature is rising. The

passengers want to know what's happening

up here.

TED:

Let us handle this end of things. Now

what's the coffee situation?

TESTA:

It just won't drip! I've tried

everything. And the passengers are

dropping like flies from the heat.

INT. CABIN

SFX:
FLIES BUZZING

Passengers reel and drop to floor.

INT. COCKPIT

TED:

Elaine, I'm going back there. Just hold

onto that stick and try to control this

hunk of tin as best you can.

ELAINE:

Ted, please be careful.

Ted leaves. We hear an enormous CRASH on the other side of

the door.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

JOE DIMAGGIO (MR. COFFEE), drinking a cup of coffee, rushes

in accompanied by a GROUND CONTROL OFFICER.

OFFICER:

(to Joe)

It doesn't look good. The drip seems to

be jammed up pretty bad.

MR. COFFEE

Did they change the filter and wait for

the brew sign to light up?

OFFICER:

(stopping and looking Mr.

Coffee in the eye)

To tell you the truth, sir, I don't really

know.

MUSIC:
DRAMATIC STING.

ANGLE ON SIX CONTROLLERS

One holds a hat, one pulls a slip of paper from it.

CONTROLLER 3

(reading his slip)

Eighty-three. What's that mean?

CONTROLLER WITH HAT

If eighty-three passengers die, you win

the two hundred bucks.

ANGLE ON MR. COFFEE AND OFFICER

They approach McCrosky.

OFFICER:

Mr. McCrosky, Mr. Coffee. Coffee,

McCrosky.

McCROSKY

Thanks for coming down so soon.

MR. COFFEE

(checking watch)

I won't come down for another couple

hours.

McCROSKY

I'll put you on the radio with Striker.

Jeez you look familiar. Did you ever play

water polo?

MR. COFFEE

Not to my knowledge.

McCROSKY

I thought so.

EXT. SHIP - SPACE

It roars towards the sun. The nose of the ship begins to

glow red.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SPIN:

NEW YORK TIMES:

"MERCURY SHUTTLE HEADS FOR DISASTER"

LONDON TIMES:

"DEEP SPACE DEATH CERTAIN"

JERUSALEM POST:

"THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE IN THE FIRST PLACE"

BUFFALO LOCAL NEWS SET

FILM INSET:
APARTMENT FIRE

Set logo reads, "NEWS 4 BUFFALO."

ANCHOR 1

Four alarm fire rages through downtown

Buffalo!

FILM INSET:
ROCKET GOING OFF COURSE

ANCHOR 2

Mercury shuttle heads for sun.

TOKYO LOCAL NEWS SET

FILM INSET:
APARTMENT FIRE

Set logo reads, "NEWS 4 TOKYO"

ANCHOR 1

(subtitles)

Four alarm fire guts Tokyo apartment.

FILM INSET:
SHUTTLE MODEL IN MOUTH OF GODZILLA.

SFX:
SCREAMS.

ANCHOR 2

(subtitles)

Mercury mission in death struggle.

MOSCOW LOCAL NEWS SET

FILM INSET:
APARTMENT FIRE

Set logo reads, "NEWS 3 MOSCOW." A gun is held to

ANCHORMAN'S head.

ANCHOR 1

(subtitles)

Four alarm fire in downtown Moscow clears

way for glorious new tractor factory.

FILM INSET:
ROCKET GOING OFF COURSE

ANCHOR 2

(subtitles)

Capitalist, imperialist adventurism ends

in space disaster.

ABC "NIGHTLINE"

SUPER:
"GAY UNMARRIED VEGETARIAN MOTHERS AGAINST SPACE

TRAVEL"

WOMAN:

If this country was run by vegetarian

women who's old men deserted them after

knocking them up instead of by meat-eating

males, this thing never would have

happened.

EXT. TERMINAL - DAY

A banner hangs over terminal door: "HOUSTON WELCOMES SPACE

DISASTER PRESS."

CLOSEUP OF ATTACHE CASE being carried to the door -- sticker

on it reads, "NATIONAL ENQUIRER."

CLOSEUP OF ANOTHER CASE coming from other direction --

sticker on it reads, "NATIONAL STAR."

The cases meet. LOOSEN to REPORTERS.

ENQUIRER:

(to STAR)

I never forget a face. 'Texas doctor

claims sex with chicken cures baldness?'

STAR:

'Severed legs grow back after Utah man

finds Christ?'

ENQUIRER/STAR

Long time no see.

They shake hands and turn into the terminal.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

Controllers stand over Mr. Coffee -- everyone sips coffee

and smokes cigarettes.

MR. COFFEE

(on radio)

Have you got the back panel off the brew

manifold?

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