Airplane II: The Sequel Page #20

INT. CABIN

Ted has the coffee machine apart, wears a headset and holds

wires in pliars. Anxious passengers with coffee cups stand

over him -- they are all totally wired and going cold

turkey.

TED:

(into headset)

Check.

MR. COFFEE (V.O.)

There's a terminal at the base of the

coil. That's your contact point.

A PASSENGER bends down and picks a coffee bean off the

floor.

PASSENGER:

Is this a coffee bean?

ALL PASSENGERS:

(maniacally)

He's got a bean!!

A riot ensues. The "bean" Passenger is beaten to death.

TED:

(into headset)

It looks like the solder point has melted.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

MR. COFFEE

(enraged)

Just what I thought. When the hell will

you people realize that adding extra water

after the initial brew cycle overheats the

system!! Now listen to me, Striker, and

listen good.

EXT. SHIP - SPACE

It careens towards the sun.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

Detective Hallick storms in and up to McCrosky. He flashes

his badge.

DETECTIVE HALLICK

Who's in charge here, Mister?

McCROSKY

McCrosky, Control.

DETECTIVE HALLICK

Hallick, homicide.

JACOBS:

Jacobs, Pisces.

KRUGER:

Kruger, Sagittarius.

COMMISSIONER:

Commissioner, Aquarius.

DETECTIVE HALLICK

We have information that one of your

passengers is carrying a bomb and might be

suicidal.

McCROSKY

Where'd you get this information, Captain?

DETECTIVE HALLICK

We have our methods.

KRUGER:

And what methods are those?

DETECTIVE HALLICK

Have you heard of the Heimlich method?

McCROSKY

The method of saving someone choking on a

piece of gristle?

DETECTIVE HALLICK

Exactly.

KRUGER/McCROSKY/COMMISSIONER

We're familiar with it.

DETECTIVE HALLICK

Good. This is the passenger's wife. Mrs.

Joe Salucci.

She approaches very distressed looking.

McCROSKY

What makes you think your husband might

want to blow up that shuttle, ma'am?

She goes into her purse for the insurance form.

MRS. SALUCCI

This insurance policy.

A large ivory colored vibrator drops out of her purse, hits

the floor, and flips on. They all look at it.

MRS. SALUCCI

An electric tooth.

(handing McCrosky the insurance

form)

Joey was supposed to go to Des Moines for

an operation to cure his impotence.

McCROSKY

The Des Moines Institute?

MRS. SALUCCI

Then you know it.

KRUGER/McCROSKY/COMMISSIONER

Yes, we're familiar with it.

MRS. SALUCCI

Well, I found out Joey got on this shuttle

instead and...

DETECTIVE HALLICK

The way I read it, blowin' up a plane in

space leaves no traces, if you know what I

mean.

KRUGER:

I'm not exactly sure what you mean,

Captain.

DETECTIVE HALLICK

No blood. No body. No bones. No eyes.

No ears. No throats.

McCROSKY

(looking at form)

This is $500,000 worth of insurance!

Kruger, Commissioner, and Hallick all whistle "wow!"

McCROSKY

Just a second. This is insurance on his

car!

MRS. SALUCCI

That's what worries me.

KRUGER:

He's impotent.

COMMISSIONER:

He's suicidal.

ALL:

And he's stupid!

MUSIC:
DRAMATIC STING.

ANOTHER AREA:

MR. COFFEE

(into radio)

This is it, Striker. You got one shot and

one shot only.

INT. CABIN

Striker stands over the coffee machine, sweating like mad.

The Passengers with cups hang over him. He makes contact

with a wire.

TED:

(to self)

Contact.

The MACHINE EXPLODES. Coffee gushes out like an oil well

coming in. The Passengers dance under the gusher of brown

liquid, mouths open and cheering.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

McCROSKY

How are we going to handle this bomb nut?

CONTROLLER 2

(rushes up with printouts)

Here are the tests we ran on their

computer. I had them ­xeroxed for you.

McCROSKY

How'd they come out?

CONTROLLER 2

Upside-down, but I turned each page over

and put them in order. I'm afraid that

computer is totally capable of taking

control of that ship.

McCROSKY

Let's keep cool. There's gotta be a way

to control it.

He lights a cigarette.

CONTROLLER 3

(rushes up with diagrams)

These are their position calculations.

They've got about ten minutes before they

start to burn up.

McCROSKY

Keep calm. A lot can happen in ten

minutes.

(to self)

What next?

He sips his coffee.

CONTROLLER 4

(rushes in)

Sir, your headlights are on and your doors

are locked!

McCROSKY

(spitting out coffee, Danny

Thomas style)

Jesus!! I'll be right back!

McCrosky races out.

EXT. SHIP - SPACE

It heads closer to the sun. The nose is glowing.

INT. COCKPIT

Elaine is checking computer. The cockpit is steaming now.

She unbuttons her uniform just as Ted comes in.

ELAINE:

Ted, we've only got ten minutes.

TED:

(thinking she wants sex)

Not now, Elaine.

ELAINE:

I mean until we start to burn up.

Ted takes his seat and looks at a panel gauge.

TED:

We're closer to the sun than I estimated.

INSERT - GAUGES

One is labeled "EXACT DISTANCE" and reads, "76.50". The

other is labeled "ESTIMATED DISTANCE" and reads,

"5689465932.09".

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