Airplane II: The Sequel Page #2

WORKER:

(into walkie-talkie)

This is Mercury station six! Get me the

Sarg and fast!

EXT. TERMINAL - NIGHT

SIMON KURTZ and ELAINE THOMPSON get out of a taxi with hand

luggage. They are dressed in matching flight outfits.

A JAPANESE COUPLE get out of a taxi -- the man has about

fifty cameras around his neck. His wife hangs another

camera on him. He crashes to the ground under the weight.

Simon and Elaine are approached by a BUSINESSMAN with

handful of roses.

BUSINESSMAN:

Would you like to buy a rose to help bail

out Chrysler? We're an all-profit

organization and need all the money we can

get.

Simon hands the Businessman a dollar and takes a rose.

SIMON:

(to Businessman)

Here.

The Businessman joins six other BUSINESSMEN carrying signs

with LEE IACCOCA's picture. They all smile and chant.

BUSINESSMEN:

(to Hari Krishna)

IACCOCA, IACCOCA, IACCOCA, IARAMA.

Simon hands Elaine the rose. She takes his arm as they walk

towards the sign that reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE."

SIMON:

For the best little computer officer on

the Mercury mission.

ELAINE:

(smiling)

Simon.

SIMON:

Who would believe that Elaine Thompson was

once a stewardess on the Denver-Chicago

run.

ELAINE:

And I can hardly believe that I'm engaged

to someone like you, Simon. I'm a very

lucky woman.

A man with a suitcase on a leash walks beside them. The

case pulls him along like a dog and takes a leak on a post.

SIMON:

Women and the space program have come a

long way, sweetheart. But after the

wedding, no more complicated computers for

my little girl.

ELAINE:

But, darling, they've offered me a chance

to head up the computer analysis division

for the Jupiter probe.

SIMON:

You're heading up the division in charge

of babies for Mr. and Mrs. Simon Kurtz.

He kisses Elaine and smiles.

SIMON:

And that's an order, Lieutenant.

The man with the case on a leash passes a woman with a case

on a leash. The cases start a violent, BARKING DOG FIGHT.

EXT. REAR OF TERMINAL BUILDING - NIGHT

SARG (imagine George Kennedy), dressed in a tuxedo, tie

undone, with a huge cigar, which he eats during the

conversation, talks to his wife on his car phone. A worker

in hard hat waits next to him. Behind the worker are fuel

drums and a large sign that reads: DANGER, FUEL --

ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING, ABSOLUTELY NO SPITTING.

SARG:

(on car phone)

Marge, you better go without me. We've

got a condition red.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH WIFE AT HOME.

MARGE:

(in evening gown, a cigar stuck

in her mouth)

We've got a condition red with our

marriage. I think you're in love with

that shuttle, not with me. I want a

divorce, Sarg.

Sarg lights his cigar.

SARG:

Is there someone else, Marge? Is that it?

Sarg throws the lit match towards the "ABSOLUTELY NO

SMOKING" sign. The worker grimaces but nothing happens.

MARGE:

Sarg, there's been someone else for

fifteen years. You were just too involved

in your work to see it.

They hang up. Sarg bites off the end of his cigar and spits

it in the direction of the "NO SPITTING" sign, blowing the

worker OUT OF FRAME with a MASSIVE EXPLOSION. Sarg hops

into his car, takes a Lava lamp from the seat and puts it on

the car roof -- like Kojak's flasher. The lamp flashes, the

SIREN WAILS, as Sarg pulls away.

INT. SARG'S CAR - ON THE MOVE - NIGHT

He thinks about his wife. SPLIT SCREEN FLASHBACK OF THEIR

BEDROOM. Marge, a cigar in her mouth, is in bed with five

football players -- other half-clad athletes (hockey,

baseball, wrestling, basketball) line up for their turn at

her. Sarg has to climb over them to kiss her goodbye.

SARG:

Don't wait up for me, sweetheart. We're

testing the retro-rockets tonight.

MARGE:

You just can't see it, can you, Sarg.

SARG:

We'll talk tomorrow, hon. I promise.

EXT. TERMINAL, PASSENGER ARRIVAL AREA - NIGHT

The WILSON FAMILY -- JOHN, ALICE and ten-year-old JIMMY --

carry luggage. Jimmy carries a puppy in a small cage.

P.A.

All Mercury passengers please proceed to

passenger processing, concourse level 'C.'

JOHN:

That's us.

Jimmy Wilson looks at Scraps.

JIMMY:

Will Scraps be able to sit with us, Dad?

JOHN:

We'll have to check, Jimmy. It's a pretty

long trip to Mercury.

A PORTER approaches.

PORTER:

Can I help you folks?

JOHN:

(handing him a bag)

Thanks.

PORTER:

(noticing Scraps)

Is that your puppy, son?

JIMMY:

Yeah, his name is Scraps and he's going to

Mercury with us.

PORTER:

No dogs are allowed on the shuttle, son.

JIMMY:

But they said...

PORTER:

(pulling out a handgun)

Scraps will have to be shot. I can do it

for you here if you like.

He SHOOTS.

JIMMY:

Scraps!!!

PORTER:

(laughing)

Just joking. Blanks. See, Scraps is

fine.

Alice, John, and Porter crack up while Jimmy cries.

ALICE:

It was just a joke, Jimmy.

Alice and John look at each other as if there is something

wrong with their son.

ANGLE ON MAN WITH CAGE

A man lifts a large dog cage out of the trunk of a taxi.

Inside is another man dressed in S&M leathers.

MAN WITH CAGE:

(to Man in Cage)

If we can't fit you under the seat, you'll

just have to be locked up with the

luggage.

The man in the cage seems to relish the latter suggestion.

Two Porters lift the cage onto a conveyor belt next to

Jimmy's dog.

EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT

Sarg stands beside the burnt panel on the side of the

shuttle. He is eating another cigar, holding a burnt wire,

and talking into a walkie-talkie.

SARG:

There's no way this wiring could have

passed inspection without Simon Kurtz's

okay!

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