Airplane II: The Sequel Page #3

SPLIT SCREEN OF KRUGER IN HIS OFFICE

KRUGER:

(on phone)

Just patch up the damage and get that ship

ready to fly. That's an order, mister!

SARG:

You've got it, mister. But you can tell

your boys on the board for me that this

thing stinks to high heaven of kickback.

WIPE TO:

KRUGER'S OFFICE - FULL SCREEN

Kruger turns to room. LOOSEN to reveal a dozen five-year-

old boys in three-piece suits, smoking cigars. A huge

Keans-style painting of three astronauts with big eyes,

painted on black velvet, hangs in b.g.

KRUGER:

You heard it, boys. Now, what do you say?

ALL BOYS:

F*** him!

EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT

Sarg looks at the wire and shakes his head.

SARG:

(to worker)

Ted Striker was right six months ago when

he test-piloted this sucker. And what did

he get for telling the truth? A one-way

ticket to Palukaville.

Sarg spits a chunk of cigar on the ground, blowing the

worker OUT OF FRAME with a MASSIVE EXPLOSION.

EXT. WILD BLUE YONDER - DAY

A jet fighter streaks across the sky.

INT. JET - DAY

TED STRIKER is at the controls. His oxygen mask hangs loose

from his helmet. Clouds outside shoot by -- he's going at

least 700 MPH. A bird lands on the nose in front of the

window. Ted shoos it away by knocking on the glass. He

takes a slug of beer and cockily pulls on the stick.

EXT. FIGHTER - DAY

The plane does a barrel roll.

INT. FIGHTER - DAY

Ted has beer all over his face and shirt.

EXT. SMALL LATIN-AMERICAN LANDING STRIP - DAY

SUPER:
"SOUTH AMERICA, 2002 (PALUKAVILLE)"

Striker's fighter comes in for a landing.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF RIO MONTENEGRO - DAY

CLOSEUP of sign, "WELCOME TO RIO MONTENEGRO -- POP.

2,354,900 -- NO TORTURING 7AM-9AM MON.-FRI."

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

SUPER:
"HOTEL MONTENEGRO"

COME UP on CLOSEUP of parachute. PAN past a flight jacket

thrown over a chair, clothes strewn around, a framed photo

of TED and ELAINE on the bedtable next to a bottle of

whiskey. The room is hot and dusty. Ted lies on the bed

soaked with sweat, a drink in his hand, a cigarette dangling

from his lip. He takes a drink and, forgetting to remove

the cigarette, swallows it without batting an eye. LOOSEN

to find a CRUCIFIX above the bed with a real person on it.

TED (V.O.)

(to self)

Who could have figured it would come to

this. It'll be twenty years this week

that I lost my entire squadron over Macho

Grande. Planes, too.

SUPER:
DOG FIGHT FOOTAGE

VOICE:

You're too low, Striker! You're too low!

The Crucifix in b.g. looks around trying to figure out where

the planes in the SUPER are coming from.

TED (V.O.)

After the war, I couldn't go near anything

with a pair of wings.

SUPER:
TED IN PARK TRYING TO AVOID PIGEONS THAT FOLLOW HIM.

A pigeon lands on the Cross.

TED (V.O.)

That is, until fate dropped me on the seat

of my pants at the stick of a 167 into

Chicago with no crew.

SUPER:
TED LANDING PLANE IN "AIRPLANE!"

TED (V.O.)

It's funny how fate can make heroes out of

cowards.

The Crucifix gives a look of exasperated boredom.

SUPER:
NEW YORK TIMES HEADLINE, "STRIKER SAVES l20!" OVER A

PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.

TED (V.O.)

Then came the job offers.

SUPER:
HOUSTON TRIBUNE HEADLINE, "FLYING HEROES ACCEPT NASA

POSTS" OVER A PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.

TED (V.O.)

The publicity.

SUPER:
NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINE, "TED IMPOTENT? ELAINE

FRIGID?" A MINOR HEADLINE READS, "JFK ALIVE, SAYS

UROLOGIST!"

TED (V.O.)

Even the key to the City of New York.

SUPER:
MAYOR HANDING TED A KILO OF GRASS.

TED (V.O.)

Now look at me.

Ted wipes the sweat off his face and switches on the table

fan. A tornado force wind destroys the room as he fights to

switch off the fan.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY

SUPER:
"RIO MONTENEGRO - TOWN SQUARE"

A peasant boy takes a newspaper from a newsstand. The

headline reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE FLIES TOMORROW."

BOY:

Senor Ted!

The boy hightails it through the town-square and passes:

-- A large alabaster statue of the Generalissimo snorting

cocaine.

-- Soldiers dragging nuns off screaming.

-- Nuns dragging soldiers off screaming.

He passes a line of peasants held at gunpoint by soldiers.

We HOLD on them. In b.g. are stores like HITLER'S SHOES,

TRIEU GUYS FROM SAIGON LIQUORS, KEY'S KEYS -- GENERAL KEY

stands in doorway.

SOLDIER:

(to first peasant)

Traficante de drugas o communista?

SUPER:
SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer or communist?"

PEASANT:

(pleading)

Traficante de drugas, traficante de

drugas!

SUPER:
SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer, drug dealer!"

The soldier lets the peasant go.

SOLDIER:

(to second peasant)

Traficante de drugas o communista?

SUPER:
SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer or communist?"

The peasant panics and bolts from the line. The soldiers

FIRE.

SOLDIER:

Communista!

He runs up to THE HOTEL MONTENEGRO. A sign reads, "TV,

POOL, WATERBEDS, DONKEY, KLEENEX" -- All but "KLEENEX" are

crossed out. He runs inside.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY

A clean-cut AMERICAN COUPLE argue with Desk Clerk.

YOUNG MAN:

(to Desk Clerk)

We've lost all our travelers' checks!

YOUNG WOMAN:

What are we going to do?!

CLERK:

Calm down. What kind were they?

YOUNG MAN:

American Excess!

The Clerk throws up his hands and strikes the same pose as

the Karl Marden look-alike in the "AMERICAN EXCESS" poster,

b.g.

CLERK:

I'd say you're f***ed.

The boy passes them and bounds up the stairs.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

CLOSEUP of Ted pacing.

TED:

(to self)

Next thing I know, I'm the chief test

pilot for the XR-2300, NASA's first

Mercury shuttle. That is, until I report

she's got more flaws than the Titanic.

LOOSEN slowly to find the Cross empty and the man who was on

it hanging, his feet dangling next to Ted.

TED:

Now I'm testing old F-l8s for some crazy

Generalissimo who thinks there's a commie

behind every tree in the Amazon.

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