Airplane II: The Sequel Page #4

SUDDENLY the boy bursts in.

BOY:

Senor Ted! Look!

Ted spins and the paper stays still. He stops.

TED:

My God! They're launching the ZR-2300.

Do you know what that is, Jose?

BOY:

The muffler bracket for a '78 Pinto.

TED:

No, that's an XR-2200. The XR-2300 is the

Mercury shuttle. They can't do it!

EXT. HOTEL MONTENEGRO

Ted races out.

TED:

Taxi!

SFX:
A DOZEN CARS SCREECH AND CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. HORNS

STICK.

ANGLE ON PILE OF CARS

Ted jumps into the taxi on bottom of pile. The driver

POUNDS on his HORN -- it CONTINUES TO BLARE as they pull

away, dragging other taxis.

TED:

Houston, Texas.

DRIVER:

Houston, Texas, senor??

TED:

Right at the corner, left at the light.

Here's a map and step on it!

Ted throws a map onto the floor of the front seat. The

driver steps on the map.

EXT. TERMINAL, PASSENGER ARRIVALS - NIGHT

An old truck loaded high with furniture pulls up. A YOUNG

MAN and his PARENTS, looking like the family from THE GRAPES

OF WRATH, get out.

SON:

We finally made it, Ma. Mercury. We're

gonna start all over agin. A whole new

life.

MUSIC:
OPTIMISTIC.

SON:

Where the soil is rich.

He bends down and takes a handful of earth from the terminal

sidewalk and lets it run through his fingers.

SON:

And the union strong. Where men are free

to realize their true potential.

A black PORTER approaches and grabs a bag at the bottom of

their pile of junk.

PORTER:

Can I help you?

SON:

Where black men and white men, working

together, can move mountains.

The Porter pulls the bag and the entire mountain of junk

cascades to the ground.

ANGLE ON TED'S TAXI ARRIVING

It is covered in mud, flames shoot out from under the hood,

the HORN BLARES. The driver flips off the meter which

reads, "874,567,004,500,000,000." The numbers run off the

meter along a special attachment.

DRIVER:

That'll be eight hundred and seventy-four

zillion quastavitas.

TED:

Here's three bucks. Keep the change.

DRIVER:

Thank you!!

INT. TERMINAL

STELLA BARRINGTON pushes her wheelchair-ridden father, DR.

CYRUS BARRINGTON, through the terminal crowd. A PORTER

approaches.

PORTER:

You folks need any help?

STELLA:

Thanks, but we have a terrific woman in on

Thursdays.

PORTER:

Say, isn't that Dr. Barrington, the world-

renowned agronomist?

STELLA:

Yes.

PORTER:

It's a privilege to meet you, sir, I'm

familiar with all your work.

STELLA:

Let's go, Daddy. We have to check in.

(to Porter)

He was never appreciated at the Institute.

PORTER:

Ah, yes, the Institute, I'm familiar with

it.

STELLA:

Now he's D-Y-I-N-Ging and wants to be

buried on Mercury.

Stella pushes her father away as another PORTER approaches

our first Porter.

PORTER 2

Say, wasn't that Dr. Barrington, the

world-renowned agronomist?

PORTER 1

That's right. Are you familiar with his

work?

PORTER 2

No, but the missus sure is.

ANGLE ON TED AT ARRIVALS/DEPARTURES MONITORS

The departures side reads. "MERCURY SHUTTLE - DEPARTS 6:15

AM"

TED:

(to self)

I have to stop that flight.

Ted pushes his way through the crowd past two businessmen.

HOLD on them as BUSINESSMAN 1 straightens BUSINESSMAN 2's

tie and hair.

BUSINESSMAN 1

Don't worry about the Viatex account.

It's a buy-sell option. We can't get hurt

in either case.

BUSINESSMAN 2

Just keep on top of their legal people,

Bob.

BUSINESSMAN 1

Don't sweat it.

They kiss and part.

ANGLE ON "1ST CLASS" TICKET LINE

AGENT:

(to traveller)

We can take your in-flight dinner orders

here, if you like. Today there's lobster

or rack of lamb.

TRAVELLER:

The lobster sounds nice.

The Agent throws a huge lobster into a steaming cauldron.

SFX:
LOBSTER SCREAM.

TED:

(rushing up)

Where can I find mission control?

AGENT:

(without pointing or indicating

in any way)

Information's over there.

TED:

Thanks.

He seems a bit puzzled but moves on.

ANGLE ON "2ND CLASS" LINE

Ted passes travellers in rags.

AGENT:

(to traveller in rags)

Today there's the swill or the slop.

TRAVELLER:

The slop sounds nice.

Ted passes the "NO CLASS" line. Travellers in line all wear

gaudy double-knit suits, white belts and shoes, carry lava

lamps and bongo drums, wear alpine hats, etc. The agent

hands a NO CLASS traveller his ticket with large foam dice

dangling. Ted spots the INFORMATION counter and heads for

it.

ANGLE ON INFORMATION COUNTER

MAN:

(to Info Agent)

What's the fastest animal on earth?

INFO AGENT:

The cheetah. Next.

WOMAN:

Should I fake my orgasms?

INFO AGENT:

Yes. Next.

Next in line are three armed, bearded "TERRORISTS."

"TERRORIST" 1

Please, where is flight to Miami?

INFO AGENT:

(without indicating anything)

Over there. Next.

The TERRORISTS leave looking confused.

TED:

Mission control?

INFO AGENT:

(without indicating anything)

It's over therrrrrrr!

The agent is shot with an arrow and slumps over the counter.

ZOOM TO:

CLOSEUP OF TED:

He looks in the CAMERA.

MUSIC:
DRAMATIC STING.

TED:

That's strange. I just came from over

there.

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