Airplane II: The Sequel Page #23

COMMISSIONER:

Yes, sir.

They both hang up and, making sure no one is watching, pick

their noses.

WIPE TO FULL SCREEN OF OVAL OFFICE

AID:

What's our strategy on this one, sir?

PRESIDENT:

I work for the people of these United

States, Frank. I have to do what's best

for them.

(grabs the red phone)

Al, kill social security, cancel school

lunches only for the poor, dismantle

welfare, close all hospitals and public

toilets, green light the MX-6, invade

Brazil, and bring my horse around after my

nap!

INT. COCKPIT

Ted is at the controls. Elaine rushes in.

ELAINE:

Simon just ejected!

TED:

Sit down, Elaine. If this bomb trick

works we just might make it. Simon was a

fool to eject now.

ELAINE:

You mean...

TED:

That's right -- premature ejection.

ELAINE:

What will happen to him, Ted?

TED:

The sun will heat that thing to over 450

degrees within seconds. He'll roast like

a pig on a spit.

EXT. ESCAPE CAPSULE - SPACE

We see a roast on a spit through the window.

INT. COMPUTER CORE

The clock on the time bomb TICKS down.

INT. COCKPIT

TED:

(looking at wristwatch)

Are you afraid?

ELAINE:

Not when I'm with you, Ted.

TED:

I guess you'd have to be a fool not to be

afraid at a time like this.

INT. CABIN

Mrs. Gooch sucks on her cushion -- she's totally zonked on

acid.

MAN NEXT TO HER:

Are you afraid?

MRS. GOOCH

(looking at her hands)

Are these my hands?

FATHER O'FLANAGAN

(to Stella)

Are you afraid?

STELLA:

I'm a nurse. I can't afford to be afraid,

Father.

ANOTHER AREA:

JIMMY:

(to Scraps)

Are you afraid, Scraps?

SCRAPS:

(he BARKS once, subtitle

translate)

Now when there's a guy like Ted Striker up

there, Jimmy.

(he BARKS one more time --

subtitles)

Now how about a little scratch on the

inner thigh?

INT. COCKPIT

Testa stands over Ted with a clipboard.

TESTA:

Fifty-six percent of the passengers are

afraid. Twenty-nine percent are not

afraid. Eight percent are undecided and

seven percent think Israel should give

back Finland.

TED:

You better strap yourself in, Testa.

(on radio)

Mission control, this is Mayflower. Over.

McCROSKY (V.O.)

Go ahead, Striker.

TED:

(on radio)

We've got about 60 seconds before that

thing blows. We're set to reprogram for

Mercury at zero point five WORP.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

McCROKSY

(on radio)

Zero point five WORP?!

STRIKER (V.O.)

That's right. When the bomb explodes

we're going to have a ten foot hole in the

fuselage and I want to get there as fast

as I can. I know what this snip can do,

McCrosky.

McCROKSY

(to Controllers)

No one's ever travelled at that speed

before.

JACOBS:

Last spring we did Europe in nine days.

EXT. SHIP - SPACE

It careens towards the sun.

INT. COMPUTER CORE

Bomb clock TICKS down.

INT. CABIN

Mary instructs Passengers.

MARY:

Heads between the knees!

(looking down aisle)

Between your own knees, Father!

O'Flanagan looks around guiltily.

INT. MISSION CONTROL

McCrosky addresses his troops.

McCROSKY

I don't find it easy to talk at a time

like this, but I want to say something

about that guy up there. I can sum it all

up in one word -- courage, dedication,

spirit, pride, selflessness, and g-u-t-s,

guts. Striker's got more guts in his

little finger than most of us have in our

large intestine. He's got guts up to his

eyeballs, guts coming out of his ears.

Controllers start playing cards, doing needlepoint.

McCROSKY

Sure it's a cliche but great shortstops

are born, not made, and a clown is funny

in the circus but when he gets on the

highway, he's murder. It bugged me too

when Mr. Ed refused to talk when the

neighbors came over but...

INT. COMPUTER CORE

The bomb TICKS down and BLOWS.

INT. COCKPIT

The ship shakes violently. Ted fights for control.

INSERT - SPEEDOMETER SLOWS

BACK TO SCENE:

SFX:
ENGINE WHINE SUBSIDES.

The ship starts bumping as if it's hit a rough road.

TED:

(on radio)

We've blown the computer!

(to Elaine)

Elaine! Set course change!

ELAINE:

(flips a switch)

Set!

TED:

Now!

ELAINE:

(pushes a button)

Compute!

"Compute" sign flashes.

Ted pulls an acceleration lever.

TED:

Here goes.

EXT. SHIP - SPACE

It slows to a halt.

INT. COCKPIT

Ted pulls the lever hard toward himself. The ship shudders.

EXT. SHIP - SPACE

The ship slingshots in the opposite direction, disappearing

into the void leaving a trail of light.

INT. COCKPIT

INSERT - PANEL LIGHT, "0.5 WORP"

BACK TO SCENE:

TED:

(on radio)

Point five WORP!

INT. MISSION CONTROL

PAN Controllers looking intently into the night sky. PAN to

Mrs. Salucci intently gripping her vibrator -- it's on. PAN

to Jacobs reading VARIETY -- headline: "PARAMOUNT ANNOUNCES

SHUTTLE DISASTER PIC!"

McCROSKY

Zero point five WORP, that's half the

speed of light. We really have no idea

what can happen to the human body at that

speed.

INT. CABIN

Two Passengers (contortionists) with legs up over their

shoulders and looking out over their rear ends, play cards.

INT. COCKPIT

The interior vibrates. A psychedelic blaze of multi-colored

light illuminates the interior. Ted struggles with the

controls.

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