Al Madrigal: Why Is the Rabbit Crying? Page #2

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doing the Morse code

hand squeeze,

going, "Cholo made a snack list.

Cholo made a snack list.

"Don't laugh at the cholo.

Don't laugh at the cholo.

"Oh, my God.

Cholo made a snack list.

So proud of it."

Now, if you're a young couple

doing this for the first time,

this snack thing,

and you have kids in any sport,

you want to go

at the beginning of the season

when expectations are low.

#You bring some Teddy Grahams,

some Capri Suns, fruit,

you brown bag it.

Wanna go the extra mile?

Freeze a Go-Gurt.

They f***ing love that.

What happens

is you wait too long,

then in the middle of the season,

some a**hole with disposable

income brings Happy Meals,

ruins it for the rest

of the families yet to go.

Then by the end

of the season,

you're forced to bring pizza,

a DJ, and a stripper.

And everybody's

still complaining.

#They're like, "Are these songs fast to you?

She seems older."

So he's made

a snack list.

#He's also the worst coach ever,

but you can't do

anything about it.

He's so intimidating.

#He actually said this to the kids.

They're five

and six years old.

#When they get the football,

they run in the wrong direction,

they tackle each other.

If there's a dog,

they chase the dog.

#They're idiots.

And he says-

this is a quote,

"You guys got to pay attention,

or you're gonna have

bad dreams."

Which is not in the John Wooden

coaching pyramid,

I think.

#Leaving all the parents on the sideline going,

"Did he just

f***ing say that?

#"Because I have a hard enough time

"getting that guy

to sleep as it is.

I don't need Coach Rascal

giving him cholo night terrors."

Then my wife gives me

one of these.

#You know this? You should know, yeah.

A hand squeeze with a squint

and a head nod, which means,

"Get in there, a**hole,

and say something.

Time for you to man up,

or I'm gonna say something."

And there's

a counter-move to that.

#I squeezed her hand even a little bit harder,

looked her in the eyes

and said,

"We're not saying sh*t.

"You let Coach Rascal

conduct his business,

"or we're gonna find out

why the rabbit's crying,

and I don't wanna find out

why the rabbit's crying."

I don't wanna find out.

- Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

- Not sure

if anyone's done this.

Over the age of 35,

I hurt my neck sleeping.

You ever do that?

#I was dreaming of falling down the steps.

Now, as a man, you have

very few massage options.

Option number one,

I could trade one with my wife.

Three minutes in, she's gonna

complain her hand is tired.

Then I'm gonna owe her one.

#It's a bad deal.

Number two,

the chair.

You ever go

to the mall?

The uniformed Chinese guys

want you to get in a chair, sit ass-out,

Potsie-style,

put your face in the doughnut

that's seen

a thousand other faces.

#I'm a germaphobe. I'm gonna put it in there.

It's disgusting.

#Not to mention, it's all open air.

I got some fat kid

eating a piece of Sbarro

right next to me.

It's not relaxing.

It's not gonna work.

Option number three,

fancy place.

#Spa, real spa.

I don't have

that kind of time.

#I don't need to spend four hours

in some cucumber water

utopian environment.

#I don't have the time.

I want Jiffy Lube

of neck fixing.

I don't want to go

to some relaxation room

where you got

some menopausal hippie lady

walking around with an open robe,

some car crash of a vagina

hanging out,

you know,

to give somebody a last look

before they retire it for good.

It's gross.

#I don't have the time or the stomach.

Brings me

to option number four.

#Strip mall massage.

You guys know what

I'm talking about. Huh?

You especially

know what I'm talking about.

You know the strip mall too.

#A bunch of shitty businesses

that got together

to become roommates.

Always a Quiznds,

nail salon...

Liberty Tax.

#They con some poor Mexican-American teenager

to dress up like

the Statue of Liberty out front.

[cheers and applause]

Be ashamed

of themselves.

Laundromat,

cigarette wholesaler,

karate studio...

Thai massage.

#Every one of the businesses

is owned by somebody

of a different ethnicity.

It's like a giant stucco

American dream catcher.

So I got the neck

I can barely move.

#I got a big show to do that night.

You guys see how much movement

l do onstage.

#It's important for me to get that

worked out.

So I go to the Thai massage,

first appointment of the day.

You don't want to show up

at the end of a long shift

because those places

are shady, right?

How do you know

if it's one of the shady places?

First of all,

it's in the strip mall.

#And secondly,

if it's got the same hours

as a Jack in the Box...

it's probably

a Jack in the Box.

So...

I go in,

first appointment.

Nice Asian lady gives me

the neck massage part, 40 bucks.

I don't know if it was Thai,

but she gave it to me.

#Feels better.

Now it's time for her to ask me

if I want the extra part.

But she can't say

in the words she wants to because it's illegal.

So she whispers

these words in my ear,

"Do you want me

to make banana cry?"

Uh...

[laughter applause]

"No, I don't want you

to make banana cry.

"But can you ask me again?

#Because that's f***ing hilarious."

I was thinking,

"What did banana do to you?"

Banana feels bad enough being

in here in the first place.

What a family-friendly way

to ask somebody

if they want a strip mall hand job.

It's not something

you ever expect to hear.

It's something you expect

to read from the transcripts

of when Mr. Rogers

is brought up on charges.

The banana part

we all get, right?

The banana part we get.

Crying, though?

Rarely when I cry do all

my tears shoot out at one time.

"I'm so sad!

I'm so sad!

#"I'm so sad. I'm so sorry.

For your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss."

Crinkle up a sock.

- Whoo!

- "I'm so sorry."

ls anybody lonely out there?

Clap if you're lonely.

Anybody want to admit it?

[scattered applause]

That's a pretty good, solid clap.

Because loneliness

is underrated.

#You don't realize what you have.

Lonely people

make the mistake

of crying themselves to sleep at night.

They go, "Oh,

I wish I had a companion,

someone to watch Criminal Minds with."

[blubbers]

You don't realize what you got.

I love going on the road.

I don't want to tell

my family this,

but I love to go on the road

and go on a nice,

king-size bed, spread out.

Because at home,

any parent can tell you,

you got some sweaty,

little f***er,

gets up at 2:
00 in the morning

'cause they're not

properly sleep trained.

#So you wake up startled,

you hear this pitter-patter

of feet, shadow.

You're like, "What the f***

is that, Chucky?"

My wife won't let me

have a gun in the house,

so I got a marble egg

in a tube sock.

#I'm like, "Who's there? Identify yourself."

Hammer stashed

under the couch for this

imaginary fight sequence

that's never gonna go down.

And you're too tired

to put up a fight,

so you let him in bed with you.

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