Al Madrigal: Why Is the Rabbit Crying? Page #3

---

And an hour later,

you wake up clipped on- they're clipped on

like the koala bear

on your fourth grade pencil.

Like, "Get the f*** off me."

And why are they so sweaty?

Are they on drugs?

#Are they taking

mollies down

by the preschool,

or is that just what happens

when you properly

hydrate yourself?

And then I got to wake up

at 6:
30 in the morning

every single morning, no matter

what I've done the night before.

You get to sleep in

till whenever

because nobody loves you,

and I got to wake up

at 6:
30

every single morning

because I have a cute, little girl or guy

that comes

inside of my bed and goes,

"Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up.

Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up.

Apple Juice. Apple Juice.

Apple Juice. Apple juice."

That's not an alarm clock

you can hit.

There's no snooze

on a three-year-old.

#Then I got to go to a bouncy house party

every Saturday or Sunday.

#You know what that is?

Inflatable castle

on some d*ckheads front lawn.

All kinds of kids

in there jumping around

like coked-up young Republicans

at a John Boehner

warehouse party.

"Aaah!"

And I'm not sure what happens

when my kids get in there,

but something switches,

and they start

trying to take other kids out

at any opportunity.

It's forearm shivers

for everybody.

It's like

an illegal cage fight for them.

#It's like, "Welcome to the Octagon.

Two babies enter,

one baby leave."

Vietnamese baby starts smoking

cigarettes and gambling outside,

screaming, "Take him out!

Take him out!"

Little baby throws a rooster in

just to make it interesting.

But luckily,

a bouncy house is like

an alternate universe

where pain doesn't exist.

#They're so happy to be in there.

I saw the same little,

shitty kid

who'd cry if you looked at him funny,

little sensitive boy,

come shooting out of the bouncy house.

He hit one of the bumps

the wrong way and then came

firing through the Velcro

straps, circus cannon style.

Just shoo!

Mangles his ass on the driveway.

#And all the other dads

are like, "Holy sh*t.

Try not to react, so he doesn't

realize how jacked up he is."

And then,

I swear to you,

he just rose up,

popped his shoulder back in

like Mel Gibson

in Lethal Weapon,

mumbled some sh*t about whores and Jews,

and went back

into the bouncy house,

jumping around.

[cheers and applause]

I have no privacy.

You have privacy.

You don't realize, but, yes.

It's great.

I have people tracking me

at all times.

#I really do.

I can't go to the bathroom

without people following me

into the bathroom.

It's constant.

#A year ago, this really happened.

My daughter's 2 1/2 years old,

and all I want to do-

how I really want to unwind

is that I want to go

to the back bathroom,

I want to sit there for 20 minutes

until my leg goes numb

with the sports page.

It's your body's sign of,

"Okay, that's enough."

I'm gonna sit there and look

at some stats, and that's it.

In peace.

#But I'm not allowed

because they'll find me.

#This happened. I had to Swiff.

I pretended

I was Swiffing

to throw 'em off my trail.

I was going

to do some Swiffing,

and then when no one

was looking,

I grabbed the sports page,

and I snuck back

into the back bathroom.

#And I went back there, and I sat down.

20 seconds in, my daughter

with the sippy cup

comes busting open

the door like SWAT.

She just stands there

and then looks back like,

"I found him. He's over here.

"He tried to throw us off

with the Swiffer, but I got it.

Another case solved."

Then she did something-

she just stayed.

She just stood there

like this.

#'Cause she knew I couldn't do anything about it.

She's very smart.

And I go,

"Get out of here.

What are you doing?

#"This is Daddy's privacy.

"His private time

in the bathroom.

#"Get out of here. This is gross.

Get out of here."

And I'm not sure if anyone's got a little girl,

but they're all

kind of creepy.

Look at something.

Then I called for help.

#I go,

"Honey! Honey!

Honey-

"Krystyn. Krystyn!

Please help me!

She won't leave!"

And there was no answer.

#So my daughter looked at me like,

"No one can hear

your cries.

Just me and you."

Then, I'll be honest,

I tried to hit her with the paper a little bit.

Nothing hard.

#Just a couple little, gentle swats,

but she immediately

contorted her body

to stay an inch away

like, "Ha, ha, ha."

And worked her ass

around me,

came around the side of me,

and then got a quick look

at my butt crack.

And her first words

in the bathroom are,

"Hey,

Daddy's got a 'gina."

Immediately I go from trying

to get her out of the bathroom

to defending my manhood

to this two-year-old.

"What are you talking about?

Daddy doesn't have a 'gina.

"Daddy's a man.

Get out of here.

#"Daddy's a 'gina-less man.

"You get out of here.

He's a-'gina.

"Doing man stuff

in the bathroom,

"reading the sports page.

Get out of here."

Finally I hit her

with the paper pretty good.

And in the scuffle,

a towel fell,

and then the door stayed open.

I got her out.

#And she knew she got to me because she took an opportunity.

She walked around and just

in the crack of the door,

you saw

two little eyes appear

with a Disney Princesses

sippy cup.

She just looked at me

and started going,

"Daddy's got a 'gina.

Daddy's got a 'gina.

#"Daddy got a 'gina. Daddy got a 'gina.

Daddy's got a 'gina."

Leaving me mumbling

in the bathroom going,

"Daddy doesn't have a 'gina.

Daddy's a man.

#"Get out of here.

Daddy's a 'gina-less man."

And she must have left

at some point

because my wife popped her head in and goes,

"What the f*** are you

talking about? Daddy-

I thought

you were Swiffing."

"Where the hell were you?

Daddy's a man."

"Daddy's a man."

[cheers and applause]

They want to watch

so much TV.

#And I don't allow

that much TV, which makes them

want to watch it more.

They can't get

enough of it.

#I'm trying to micromanage what they watch too.

They watch the worst crap.

#It's amazing how quickly a kid

can take over

your DirecTV controller,

start DVRing their own sh*t.

You're like,

"What is all this crap?"

They watch- this is crazy.

They watched Animal Planet,

first of all.

#They watch that idiot the Turtle-man,

Call of the Wildman.

You see that show? You love him?

Yeah.

Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

#If you don't know this, it's a guy in Kentucky

that if you have

a possum on your property

that won't go away,

him and his buddy will come over

and they'll fight it,

and then you don't have

to give him any money.

You can just pay him

in an apple fritter,

and he's thrilled.

"It was

a good day today.

#"We fought a possum, and he gave me an apple fritter,

and I was,

'Whoo-hoo!"'

And my kids think it's great,

and they love the guy.

#I don't like it at all.

I don't want my kids

growing up thinking

"turtle fighter

compensated in doughnuts"

is a viable career option.

Is that wrong?

Is that micromanaging?

They also watch

House Hunters International,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes