Al Madrigal: Why Is the Rabbit Crying? Page #4

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which I hate.

Don't-no. You love that show?

I hate it.

It's the worst dialogue

of any-it's like,

"Yeah, I could really

see myself showering in here."

Yeah, 'cause it's a bathroom,

lady, it's a bathroom.

My kids argue about it.

That's the worst thing.

It's like

a three-year-old going,

"Pick the second one. Pick the second one.

"It's got

granite counter-tops

and an open floor plan."

The f***?

They watch-

and this is my bad.

#I recorded a show that I shouldn't have recorded.

It's-l recorded Hardcore Pawn.

You see that show?

#[audience members cheer]

No, that is the worst show

on television.

Of course,

cholo adjacent likes it.

It really is bad.

It's the most racist show.

#The description for that show,

if you clicked on info,

should read,

"Man in Detroit takes

advantage of black people."

That should be the show.

That's the show.

There's a lot

of racist stuff on TV

that we're not even looking at.

First of all,

we had some stuff

grandfathered in

that we're surrounded by.

#Black people should be upset

about Uncle Ben

still being on the market,

Cream of Wheat guy.

We're still pouring syrup

out of slave head

and Aunt Jemima.

Let's retire her ass.

We'll name it something else.

It'll be fine.

But then

for the Golden Corral people

to come in

and think they can just

introduce racist ads

to the market

is not f***ing cool.

You guys know

what I'm talking about?

#First of all, Golden Corral is a chain

of bad buffet

restaurants where-

first of all, it's named Corral.

Have some respect

for yourself.

"Here, go and feed on them-

they feed the animals.

#Here we go."

It's like cut-up hot dogs.

I don't care if it's golden.

I'm not eating there.

But the commercial

put me over the top.

#If you don't know the ad,

it's a white couple

and a black couple on a double date.

Have you seen it?

No.

#And so the white lady

is really annoying.

#She turns around to the black couple and goes,

"We're going to have

such a great time at dinner.

"We're gonna go

to a seafood restaurant,

"and Chef Jason's gonna be there,

and then we're gonna share

a $20 appetizer."

And the black people hear,

"$20 dollar appetizer,"

and they look at each other

like, "F*** that sh*t."

And then

they throw themselves

out of the moving vehicle,

risking their lives to-

roll,

dust their asses off,

and show up

at cheap-ass Golden Corral

where they can eat

all-you-can-eat tilapia,

which in culinary circles

is known

as the rat of the sea.

It's not

a well-thought-of fish.

There's so many questions.

#First of all, just like Facebook

is lowering the value of

what it means to have a friend,

Golden Corral is lowering

the standard

severely for what it takes to jump

out of a moving vehicle.

#It used to be brakes, all right'? Pump the brakes.

"Aah!" You throw yourself out

and barrel roll.

Bomb about to detonate.

Cliff.

You throw yourself out,

you climb up.

#"Ah, he's still alive."

Maybe it's a kidnapping,

right?

And that's a possibility.

#Maybe these white people are so desperate

to have black friends

that they've taken

these black people

and kept 'em in their basement,

and they haven't

fed 'em at all.

And their first eating

opportunity was Golden Corral,

and they're like,

"Let's go for it. Go! Go!"

I don't think that's the case.

My son said this,

"Why didn't they stop?"

That's an awkward moment

as a parent

where you're like, "I don't know.

"I don't know

why they didn't stop.

#"Why didn't Golden Corral just put

"a brake sound effect

in there for us,

like the white people

gave a sh*t?"

There should be brakes,

and then the white people

should run into Golden Corral

after the black people and go,

"What the f***?

"If you wanted to eat here,

you could have just told us.

"We were trying to take you

someplace nice.

"I didn't know you wanted cotton

candy as a dessert option.

"What, are you gonna eat it

with a knife and fork?

#I don't understand."

But because of TV,

they've started talking back,

and I know this for a fact

because I just did

all the investigative work

in the house.

#My son said,

at six years old,

"That's how I roll."

I've never said that

in my entire life.

#My wife has never said that.

That's one of the reasons

I married her.

#My son says that.

I said, "Where'd you

hear that, buddy?"

Turns out

these two little douche bags

from the Disney Channel,

Zack and Cody,

Suite Life on Deck.

Two little twins who live on

a cruise ship for some reason.

I watch a couple episodes.

They call, like, 13-year-old

girls "baby," stuff like that.

Got the controller-

never thought I'd be this guy-

and I blocked it

'cause that's how I roll.

Shut it down.

[cheers and applause]

I really never thought

I'd be the guy that's gonna,

"You wanna-

I'm gonna shut it down."

But I did it.

Then my daughter-

I tell her-

my adorable 3 1/2-year-old daughter,

I tell her

to do something,

and she sticks her ass out at me and says,

"Talk to the booty

'cause the hand's off duty."

And I look at my wife like,

"What the f*** is this?"

Block another show.

Then the last straw

before I gave up-my son.

We taught my son

how to make his bed.

He does shoddy work,

but that's not the point.

So I say, "No more TV.

You've got to go make your bed."

And he walks off

all pissed off,

and he turns back around and goes,

"Watch out, Dad, or we're

gonna beat you when you're old."

And I just went

straight for the controller.

I was like, "Okay,

you want to play with me, huh?

"You want me

to block another show?

#"What show is that?

What show is that?"

And he got nervous.

#He knew he was busted.

And he admitted,

"it wasn't a show.

I just made it up."

And then immediately

as a comedian,

I got so proud

because...

#it's funny,

it's a legitimate threat,

it implies he's been

keeping track of all this stuff,

and he's gonna take it out

on me when I'm old

and unable to defend myself

in a retirement community

somewhere asleep at night.

And him and his sister are going

to pop up out of nowhere,

Full Metal Jacket my ass,

like, "Aah!"

[wails]

"Remember Zack and Cody,

motherf***er?"

[wails]

- Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

- I just got to watch

what I say to the kids.

#You see, my wife has

a master's in education.

#She's a reading and writing specialist.

She's read

all the parenting books.

And then she leaves,

and it all goes

out the window, and I say

horrible things

to the children.

I was getting the kids ready

because I was gonna

go over to a comedian's house

for a barbecue.

We all hang out.

But she's gone.

So I get the little girl ready,

but I make the mistake

of sending my son

to get himself ready.

#Any parent knows that's a crapshoot.

He's gonna come out wearing

a cape and a bathing suit

like, "Let's do this."

No.

#But sure enough, he comes out,

but instead of the cape

and the bathing suit,

he got into the bottom

of his drawers and closet.

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