Al Madrigal: Why Is the Rabbit Crying? Page #5

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So he got old pants.

He had floods, holes

in both knees, old T-shirt.

Two years old,

so it doesn't fit him anymore.

#There's skin showing.

So he comes out looking like

this effeminate European drifter.

"Hello, father.

I'm ready for the barbecue.

"I hope they have

those little smokies there,

and I will suck on them."

Like, it's hard

not to laugh.

"No, you can't wear that.

What are you doing?

Why don't you wear

the good clothes?"

Then he got upset

because he put

a lot of thought

into his ensemble.

#He goes, "Aw, these are my favorite pants.

"I'm gonna wear 'em.

I just found 'em.

#"You said get ready.

"This is my favorite T-shirt,

and I got ready.

#I'm gonna wear it."

And here's me saying

something stupid.

I go, "Dude,

you're gonna be embarrassed."

And without missing a beat, he

just steps to me a little bit.

He goes, "I'm not

gonna be embarrassed.

They're your friends."

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Sol made him

wear the outfit,

and it turns out

we were both embarrassed.

Taught a six-year-old shame,

and I never

told my wife about it.

I do it all the time.

l get-

It just comes out.

I say this horrible crap.

l cant-

It's what my dad did

and his dad did before him.

You know,

it's just a long history

of saying terrible sh*t to kids, I'm sure.

He said this to me,

and it really,

legitimately pissed me off.

So I was trying-

it was hard not to react.

But he said, "Dad, when are

we going to get the big house?"

[audience groans]

And I wanted to- we live in this

little, 1,300-square-foot house

in Los Angeles.

It's nothing much,

and I paid way too much for it,

so that just hit me, like,

that he's not happy

with this,

and we're lucky to be affording anything.

And so when he says,

"Dad, when are we going to get the big house?"

It took everything I could

not to f***ing

grab him

and shake him and say,

"Do you know how much money

I spend on your sister and you,

"you son of a b*tch?

You are the big house.

You are the big house!"

That's what I was feeling,

but you can't do that

because you get arrested.

So instead, here's me saying

something stupid.

I go, "Dude,

"lam very proud of this little house.

"And I bought it with my own

money doing a job that I love,

"and very few people

can say that.

#"And the people with the big house

get their money

through inheritance."

And then he goes,

"What's inheritance?"

And I go, "Sh*t.

"Okay, um...

"That is when Grandma

and Grandpa pass away,

"and then they give you

a bunch of money,

"and then you can buy stuff

you wouldn't normally

be able to afford otherwise,

like a big house."

And not only did I do a shitty

job of explaining inheritance,

but what I really did

is put us

on Nana and Papa deathwatch.

Now my mom comes over

and so much as coughs,

he's like, "F***, yeah.

Here comes the big house.

She's about to go.

I want a pool."

He's leaving

his skateboard out.

"Die, b*tch."

[scattered applause]

You don't have to clap every time I take a drink.

I really am

just thirsty.

#[cheers and applause]

You guys are a great crowd.

This is nice.

[cheers and applause]

Are you having a good time?

You sure?

#[audience cheers]

No, I know you guys are,

but there's some people

who are like, "Meh."

Does it feel weird

that you're up front like this?

#Are you- Okay.

All right, well, try to look

like you're f***ing-

just because the theater

is called Moody

doesn't mean you f***ing have to be.

All right.

I do have some advice.

#I think we all need somebody

five years ahead of us

to give us

a little bit of advice, and this is weird stuff

that you're probably not going

to hear anywhere else.

But first of all, if you

have a little kid and you go-

don't give anybody

your phone number at the park.

And it sounds like something

you would never do.

Why would-like, that's where

the hobos exchange information.

But what happens

when you have a baby

is you go to the park, and your kid

starts playing

with another kid,

and then they get along,

and then some weird mom

comes over

and goes, "Hey, how you doing?

"My name's Gloria, and the kids

seem to be getting along.

#Can I give our number?"

And then you start hanging out

with those people.

And then your wife goes over

to their house for a play-date

because the kids get along

and it's a proximity thing.

And then the wife

comes home and says,

"Hey, her husband Bob

seems pretty cool.

You should start

hanging outwith Bob."

Now I'm hanging out

with f***ing Bob.

I don't wanna

hang outwith Bob.

#I wanna hang out with my friends,

people that I think

are cool.

#Right?

I took over the play-dates

at one point

'cause I just couldn't take it anymore.

And see, I don't care

if my little kid

matches up with the other kid.

I just wanna hang out

with cool people.

My little kid-

my kid hated this other kid.

#And we were at a play-date one time.

He comes running up

and goes,

[panting] "Scotty bit me."

And I said, "Come here.

#"Let me explain this whole thing to you.

"See, Scotty's daddy has

box seats at the Staples Center.

"And Scotty's mommy is

a former Hawaiian Tropic model

"and likes to wear tight-fitting

clothing and high heels.

"So you better work it out

cause we're staying friends with Scotty.

"And I don't care if he's

a cannibal, you make it happen.

Daddy needs this."

[cheers and applause]

You don't have to breastfeed, ladies. Don't.

I don't encourage you

to do that 'cause-

See, what happens when you breastfeed

and you're pregnant,

the b*obs are fantastic.

They're bigger, they're faster,

they're stronger.

But as a husband,

you can't touch 'em

because they're

too sensitive.

#And then by the time you're ready to get in there,

you're not left

with the original product

that you started with

in the first place.

#It's purely selfish.

See, my wife

had a nice "B" going, nothing crazy.

But then,

that's when you get

to a "C" or a

I get excited.

"Oh, this is awesome."

But you can't touch 'em

because they're too sensitive.

And then

they go down again.

#And then the process repeats itself.

The second kid

really does a number on them.

#So now, what was a nice

now one looks

like a man's wallet,

and the other one looks like a leather satchel

you might see

at a Renaissance fair

after it was dropped

by a falcon at a high altitude.

Now I got all kinds

of little hairy guys

coming up to me going,

"Sire, is that the satchel

that holds the one ring?"

"No, it's my wife's titties,

Frodo.

You and your buddies

better back the f*** up."

It's solid advice,

I think.

I can't stand people

who are married without kids,

always rubbing

their disposable income

and their travel plans

in your face.

They always come up and say

horrible sh*t like, "You know,

we're thinking about buying

a second place in France."

Oh, that's great.

The closest I'll come

to a place in France

is I might buy a crepe

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