Al Madrigal: Why Is the Rabbit Crying? Page #6

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at a food court,

and one of my kids will drop it

inside of three seconds,

and we'll all cry.

That's my place

in France.

They also say,

"We just really like our life the way it is."

Basically saying,

"We've seen you,

and we'll take a pass."

I'm finally comfortable

with "sir."

I'm not sure if anyone's there yet. No.

No, you're not a sir.

You're not a sir.

#You may be. Are you a sir yet?

How old are you?

- As. - as?

You're approaching it.

#Right, because if somebody calls you sir,

you're like, "No, man.

#"My name's Jason.

I'm not a sir."

Sorry,

that's my impression of you.

"No, man.

I'm-

Does Steve still work here?

I'm his buddy."

But with me-

I don't know what happens.

#There's-at a point in a man's life,

"Mix-a-Lot"

becomes

"Sir Mix-a-Lot," you know what I mean?

It's like it switches.

Somebody drops a "sir,"

and then you can't help but think,

"Hey,

where the f***'s my 'sir'?

#"I got a 'sir' coming over here.

"I just dropped a shitload

of money in this place.

I think

I got a 'sir' coming."

I'm fine with people

cleaning up after me.

I just am cool.

#Because when we first had a cleaning lady

come over to the house,

it was like I was cleaning up

before the cleaning lady

gets there.

#"Cleaning lady's coming.

"Come on,

let's get straightened up.

"Don't want her to think

we're complete a**holes.

#Come on."

I was over

at a guy's house in L.A.

#They had a chef.

We were making fun of him

when we were walking in.

"Can you believe this f***ing

douche bag's got a chef?"

Me and my wife

left that party going,

"We need a chef

as soon as possible."

I had a cleaning lady

in college.

#No sh*t.

I really did.

#It wasn't my cleaning lady.

It was-l had

a rich druggie roommate

in college freshman year.

#It was roommate lotto.

It was like

a Rodney Dangerfield

Back to School situation

that I just stumbled into.

#Moved off campus, luxury apartment, beer on tap.

It was awesome.

#And one of the craziest things

happened to me

in my entire life, I think.

We had a cleaning lady

come every single Monday.

Her name was Leonicia.

We called her Liam Neeson.

We thought that was hilarious.

Who knew it would

still be relevant

from Darkman to the Taken 2?

You know, this guy's

cranking out the movies.

#So Liam Neeson

is down

in the laundry room.

#50-year-old Guatemalan woman,

the Bible in her purse,

nicest lady you ever met,

downstairs and doing laundry.

Druggie roommate's

not home,

but druggie roommate girlfriend is.

Nobody knows

this character

better than Austin, I'll tell you that.

Because I've been

walking around.

#This baked, freshly showered

but still a little dirty

Rosanna Arquette look-alike,

eating Grape Nuts,

cackling at the television,

going,

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

#Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

She's on the couch

like she always is.

#We get a knock

at the door.

#It's Super Mario.

The super from the building

whose name was Mario.

It's the easiest nicknaming

anyone's ever done.

Overalls,

plumbing equipment, mustache.

We'd be playing Nintendo,

going,

"He's right there.

This is so crazy."

So Super Mario knocks

on the door and says, "Hey, man.

Liam Neeson is down-"

He was in on the nickname too.

"Liam Neeson is down in

the laundry room acting crazy,

mumbling something

about chocolates."

That's when druggie roommate

girlfriend Rosanna Arquette

goes, "U h-oh.

What about chocolates?"

Turns out

that they had a bowl

of mushroom-infused chocolates

on their dresser.

So psychedelic mushrooms

injected

into the heart of, like, See's candy

wrapped in foil,

like you'd see in somebody's cubicle.

Reese's peanut butter cups,

the miniatures.

Like, "Go ahead. Take one."

Well, she did.

#She's on two, tripping her balls off

in a laundry room.

I'm the only one

capable of helping out,

so I go down there,

investigate.

Look in the laundry room.

#Sure enough, 50-year-old Guatemalan woman

holding a sock,

laughing at the dryers.

#"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Holy sh*t.

This is happening. Okay.

I say, "Leonicia,

are you all right?

Everything okay?

Es bueno?"

"Mr. Al, ha, ha, ha, ha.

"I haven't eaten anything

all day except the chocolates.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Holy sh*t. Okay.

So I gather her laundry

and some lint animals she's created,

and I bring it upstairs.

#Rosanna Arquette,

no help at all

in this situation.

#First words out of her mouth, she goes,

"Liam Neeson.

You should go dancing."

"Come here for a second.

Can I talk to you?

"First of all, she doesn't know

her nickname is Liam Neeson.

"Secondly,

no one's doing any dancing.

#"We're lucky we don't go to jail here.

"This is

a serious situation.

#"If you don't have anything useful to suggest,

you need

to shut the f*** up."

So now I've got

to explain to this woman

that she's on drugs for the first time

in her entire life.

I'm third-generation Mexican

from San Francisco.

I'm assimilation

mission:
accomplished.

All right?

But I'm working on speaking

some better Spanish.

My Spanish is sh*t,

but I got CDs and some tapes.

You know, I'm listening,

and I got something-

program on the Internet

that I'm doing.

No Rosetta Stone

will ever prepare you

to tell

a 50-year-old Guatemalan woman

with laminated letters from

the Corinthians in her purse

that she's about to take

a solo trip to 'shroomtown.

But I do my best.

And one of the side effects of

listening to this many lessons

is that I can't help but sound

like the guy in the tapes.

So I say,

Leonicia, escuche.

Los chocolates

son drogas.

[laughter applause]

Los chocolates

son drogas?

S I.

Los chocolates son drogas.

She reacts

the same way you'd expect

a 50-year-old Latina woman to act

when she has found out

she has taken mushrooms

for the very first time

in her entire life.

#She freaks the f*** out.

"I don't do the drogas!

I don't do the drogas!

#No drogas! No drogas!

I think partially upset

because she's having

a pretty good time on the drogas.

You should have seen her

in this laundry room.

#It was amazing.

Calm her down, rub her back.

Oprah's on.

Bring her a water.

Rosanna Arquette

fucks me up again.

She goes, "You should

get her a beer."

Before I can say anything,

Liam Neeson

pops her head up and says,

"Yes,

I would like a beer."

Oh, sh*t.

Now she wants to party.

And I say,

"Sorry, ladies.

"I just went to the refrigerator

and got the water.

"And while we have

mushroom-infused chocolates

on the menu today, we do not

have any beers at the moment,"

forgetting that she

is a referral

from other people in the apartment building.

She holds up a big-ass set

of keys and says,

"I know who has beer."

Within seconds, I'm off

on this mushroom-infused,

Scooby-Doo, Goldilocks quest

with these two idiots,

looking for brewskis

in other people's apartments.

She really does take us

right to the beer

in this old guy's place.

You know,

an old guy you'd see

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