Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

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1

Koyaanisqatsi.

That music was very foreboding.

It's made a shiver go down my spine.

- That'll be the air-conditioning.

- I would've taken it off sooner

but I was having a fascinating

conversation with the proud father

of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.

Just passed his details on

to the Social Services.

The time is 11:
59 and 55 seconds.

- It's midday.

- Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.

You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.

Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.

Music and chat for the

Norfolk generation.

Sorry, it's the other way.

Later we'll be taking dedications

for anyone wrongly turned down

for planning permission.

Also, I'll be asking:

Which is the worst monger?

Fish, iron, rumour or war?

Pretty clear, that one.

Now it's time for

today's large question.

Large question.

It's the near future.

An unprovoked chemical attack

from France, or possibly China,

has left us without a sense of smell.

In a whiff-free world,

what smell would you miss the most?

- Tom in Diss?

- Petrol.

Nice. Wrongly referred to

by the Americans as "gas".

It's petrol, not gas.

- Dominic in Castle Acre?

- Money.

Yep. Joe in Holt?

- My wife's nightie.

- You kinky get.

- Saucy sod.

- She died, you see.

- Smells matter.

- They do.

Hey, Greg.

This is a great station, a real cracker.

Yeah. Hi, Pat.

Um... this is Jason Tresswell.

- Managing Director of...

- Goredale Media.

Our new owners, huh?

I Googled you on Yahoo.

That's Pat Farrell.

Does week nights. 10-12.

Sleepy-time slot.

- So, are you on your way out?

- You tell me.

Is it true you're being taken over

by a bunch of corporate whores?

Er... Gillian, I'm 99%

certain that's not true.

We've got a text here from

Joy in Diss who says:

An easy way to solve the problems

in Israel...

- A thorny issue.

- ..would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.

Wouldn't hold your breath.

- They both hate pigs.

- True enough.

You could call it Jislam.

I think you can go in circles, can't you,

trying to think of names for something?

Even er... a cat.

Well, nettles cause 'em,

dock leaves cure 'em.

It's a sting. It's Sting.

Roxanne

- Sorry.

- Never, never criticise Muslims.

Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

Alan, it's started. They're here.

We're being taken over.

So?

Roxanne

You don't have to put on the red light

Those days are over

You don't have to sell

your body to the night

Hello?

Are you in the business centre?

Coconut, everybody

Like de coconut

Coconut, coconut...

Coconut, coconut

Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about

how ospreys died out in Britain

and had to be reintroduced

from Scandinavia in the early '90s.

Now I think there are

almost 500 of them.

Yeah. 480.

It shows we should treasure

and value our wildlife.

So, what you got, girl?

Well, the butchers want you

to do another voiceover.

"Bannan's the Butcher's.

Yesterday's meat at today's prices."

You've had the mayor of

Hickling get in touch.

He listens to your show and wants to

offer you the freedom of the village.

- It doesn't even have a post office.

- They give you a big key.

- How big?

- That big.

- Tell him I accept.

Everything seems to be

chugging along nicely.

Everything OK, Alan?

Michael's just sent a text saying he

hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

- How does he...

- He steals it from a pub.

- Oh.

- That's a relief.

Shared a bag of salty popcorn

with him last week.

Roll out the barrel!

- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.

Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty

casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp

will be playing live in the studio,

and I'll be taking your calls

on my ever popular fireside phone-in.

Don't miss it.

OK, for those who haven't

slipped into a coma,

you are listening to the Breakfast Show

with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.

- How we feeling this morning, guys?

- Better than you, by the look of things.

- I had it large. I got on it.

- Take it easy tonight, then.

I would but we've got

the launch tonight.

North Norfolk Digital

are changing their name to...

Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.

Shape - the way you want it to be

Coming up next, Alan Partridge.

God bless him, how old is he?

60 or something. Got to be, hasn't he?

Alan, we love you, mate.

We love you really.

This one's for you if you're listening.

It's Roachford.

Cuddly Toy

: Well, I don't pour out

my heart like this to everyone

Not anyone that I meet

And I know it ain't the wine,

cos I feel just fine

Can't you see, baby?

I'm still on my feet

Oh, but a cuddly toy

That's my only joy waiting for me

when I get home, yeah

And what I need is a girl like you

All I need, yeah, to call my very own

So you gotta feel for me, baby

Feel for me, baby

Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

Feel for me, baby

Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby

Feel for me, baby

Oh, gimme some love

Come on, now...

Your fog lamps are on.

Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.

There's no fog.

No fog.

Oh, a cuddly toy

That's my only joy

Waiting for me when I get home

Na-na

And what I need

ls a girl like you

Just to call, call my very own

So, you gotta feel for me, baby

Feel for me, baby

Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

Feel for me, baby

You gotta feel for me, baby

Feel for me, baby

Oh, gimme some love

Love that noise.

Michael, do it outside.

- Morning, Michael.

- Morning, Mr Partridge.

- Paper.

- I was doing a fist bump.

- You would say that now you've lost.

- It's instead of a handshake.

Some people say it's more hygienic

than a handshake.

But who's to say

you can't get sh*t on your fist?

- Did you hear him making fun of you?

- I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,

"There's only one thing worse

than being talked about."

- Cancer.

- No. "Not being talked about."

Oscar Wilde said that's

worse than cancer?

Yeah. I think he was at a party.

Probably just being a gay show-off.

Shape, Shape, Shape

Do you know what I really like? I like waking up

in the morning, breathing in the air and er...

actually realising I've made it through

the night and I haven't wet the bed.

No, I am joking, obviously, but er...

they were, of course,

very, very dark days indeed.

But they're all behind me now.

- Morning, Angela.

- Morning, Alan.

Alan Partridge has just

walked into the building.

Walking and talking, like The West Wing.

- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!

- Mr President, we have a code red.

- I've never seen the show.

- No, me neither.

Corner coming up.

You never know what's round the corner.

More corners, usually.

Imagine a world without corners.

No-one would be able to cut any.

Everyone would be going round in circles.

Wow.

I enjoyed that.

I will tell you one thing.

When I was going through my bad times,

I found Norfolk was perhaps

maybe not the place to be and...

just because it's so at

and there was a sort of a...

a bleakness about the place,

but obviously now...

You're a good broadcaster, Alan.

Don't forget that.

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