Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa Page #2

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- I wasn't planning to, Pat.

- You seen this memo?

"Exciting new phase.

Here's to the future."

- My days are numbered.

- No-one's getting sacked.

It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when

the swimming pool allegations came out.

- He was in bits.

- Yeah.

It turned out he was just helping those

lads towel off. He was being nice.

- He didn't even know them.

- Yeah, but where is he now?

- He runs his own business.

- There. He's back on his feet.

Rents out bouncy castles.

For adults, yeah?

- Look at this memo.

- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.

Goredale Media are simply re-imagining

our core brand values

and giving it a name more fitting

to multi-platform content delivery.

- They're people people.

- People people sack people.

No, Pat. People sack people.

People people please people.

- Can you have a word with them, Alan?

- Would you?

Er... sure. As soon as I can get them

all in the same room together.

- They're all up in the boardroom now.

- That's great.

Thank you. Thank you, Alan.

You're a pal.

Well, pals is pals.

If we're all looking at the last quarterly

figures for North Norfolk on page 6.

Then if you turn to page 5.

Hi, guys, don't want to be an

agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa?

- It's not a good time, Alan.

- It's fine, we've time. Come in.

Oh, we moved the other thing.

Yeah, it's a good time.

Alan. Alan Partridge.

Jason Tresswell,

MD of Goredale Media.

It's not "Alan Alan Partridge".

It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".

I know some people do have two names.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.

Duran Duran.

Yeah, that's not as good.

Um... Kris Kristofferson.

Excellent small talk.

Gentlemen, to business.

I am here as one of the more senior

D-jocks at this station.

I'm here to talk about jobs.

Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?

Should er... snap my heels together.

- Achtung!

- Guten Tag.

Silence! Sorry. I meant to miss you.

I want you to do something for me.

I want you to take all your prejudices,

put them in a box marked "prejudices",

put it to one side, wipe the prejudice

juice off your hands...

Can I just stop you there?

Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.

I'm not scared of anything.

Not even an elephant,

which is interesting,

because there's one in this room.

- Wanna know his name?

- Pat Farrell.

It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old.

Old people, much like

dogs, are blindly loyal.

And if Pat hi-tails it to

Cedar FM and they follow,

you've got a grey exodus on your hands.

A grexodus.

Hm. That prejudices box doesn't

seem quite so cool any more, does it?

Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well.

I didn't know that.

I did not know that.

- The point is...

- You were talking about Pat Farrell.

Pat Farrell is a great guy.

He's always the first to speak up

at union meetings,

being a member of a union.

He's also Irish, which again, weirdly,

a plus point, if you like swearing.

He's often on his show:

"Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".

Some Irish people say Feck off"

isn't as bad as "F*** off"

but I think that's bullshit

or bellshit.

- The bottom line is, he swears too much.

- This is all very interesting...

I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words.

Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys,

seriously.

I can condense that to three words.

Just sack Pat.

That completes my presentation.

Gentlemen, I'll leave

you to your biscuits.

Gloves.

Oh, f***.

Glove.

Shape

The way you want it to be

Ahhh! That was soft rock

cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.

And this was Mid-Morning Matters.

Where once again,

- mid-morning... mattered.

- Mattered.

Supposed to do it in sync.

- Always leave a gap.

- Sorry.

Simple. Very simple.

You're listening to Shape -

The Way You Want It To Be.

Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long?

It will take long. OK.

Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.

I'm not happy about it, but...

I'll have to go along with it, won't I?

The... The problem is that the phone

rings even when I'm speaking on it,

so it sounds bloody weird.

In fact, I think it just did it then.

Did you hear it? Yes?

Yeah. He heard it too.

OK, well, I'll leave it with you.

Mm-hm. Yep.

Yep.

All right. Thanks, Susan.

If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone,

there'll be hell to pay.

They wouldn't even let me say goodbye

to my listeners.

Just gave me 30 minutes

to clear out my locker.

Well, at least I'm getting

their mugs dirty.

Thanks, Alan.

You always stuck up for me.

Not like the others.

Well, I'll let you get back to... Geoff.

- Who's Geoff?

- Geoff Susan.

Oh, yes, of course.

Ahhhhh...

I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?

I mean, I think he knew his days

were numbered.

More of an assisted suicide really.

I just ew him to Switzerland

and filled out a few forms and...

...sloped off to the airport.

I've got to be honest, Lynn,

I'm feeling pretty crummy.

Pat's Irish, isn't he?

To be sure.

Why don't you donate

50 to Sinn Fein?

Perfect.

Love that noise.

Keep me away from the sausage rolls.

I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.

- I noticed.

- What the chub, or the clothes?

- Ipad.

- My-pad.

Not that funny, Lynn.

CALVIN HARRIS feat. KELIS:

Bounce

- I used to go with prostitutes.

- Brilliant.

Cocaine - that was a trigger.

Cocaine, prostitutes.

Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er...

luminous green bile.

Yeah, I was withdrawing.

I've got my minder with me.

- Lynn?

- She might not seem tough

but I once saw her stamp on

50 cockroaches in a minute.

He didn't see. He was in the next room.

- It was in Wales.

- It's true, yeah.

All I could hear was crunch, crunch,

crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.

I thought she was country dancing

whilst eating cereal.

I thought it was the End of Days.

They were legion.

Lynn likes The Bible.

I've never understood moths.

They only come out at night,

yet they're attracted to light.

I don't know why they just don't

come out during the day.

I've nothing to add to that.

If you substituted buttery...

Could you go and get me

some sausage rolls?

If you substituted buttery for moth,

I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.

Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say:

"I wandered lonely as a moth

to eat some jumpers in a drawer"

"As if that wasn't bad enough,

it ate my sock upon the moor"

Yeah. It's just... I don't know why

a sock could be on the moor.

A mitten, maybe.

I actually spewed up some

of my stomach lining.

I don't know if you've ever done er...

done any horse, have you?

- I've ridden a donkey.

- No, no, no, I mean heroin.

I know what you mean.

No, I've not done heroin.

- If you can read, read a book.

Citizen Kane. Black and white.

I haven't seen that.

I tell you what, the best film for me,

ever, is still The Godfather.

- Ah, amazing film.

- Perfect film.

"I'm gonna make him an offer

he can't refuse.

- Amazing acting, though.

- Great acting.

I tell you what's even better-

a lot of people are shocked when I say

this - the camera angles.

- Alan, I need a word.

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