Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa Page #3

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- Camera angles?

It's rather delicate.

Remember when you took me for that

Christmas meal at the ice rink?

You remember that woman

disinfecting the boots?

The one that took a shine to you?

I went home and you and her...

Well, it's... none of my business.

It is none of your business, but for

the record, went back to her place,

watched Air Crash Investigation,

then I fell asleep in her big armchair.

A perfectly normal woman.

Well, she's here.

Lynn, get rid of her.

She's a drunk racist.

- I'll tolerate one, but not both.

- Fine.

But you said I could pop by any time.

I know, but my career's

hanging by a thread.

- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?

- No, no.

You just wanted sex, you used me.

Well, maybe you used me.

L-I didn't have much of a say

over what went on that night.

Didn't hear you complaining.

- I couldn't speak.

- See you round mine again, then.

I... don't know, I'm... I'm...

- What's wrong with my place?

- Well... all those dogs barking.

But it's their bedroom too.

May I have a word?

You're talking clap... crap!

I sound like a f***ing Chinky

when I'm pissed!

There we go. All done.

- What did you say to her?

- I told her that God loves everyone.

Even sluts.

- Good night, Lynn.

- Night, Alan.

Hello?

V funny. Tee-hee.

Very impressive.

Oh, they must have left in a hurry.

Something weird's happened.

All right, you freaked me out, so just...

pack it...

There you are!

Pat? Agh!

I'm down.

You...

You step to me?

Simon.

Er...

Yeah, all right.

I'll go on without you.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

- I need to commandeer this vehicle.

- What?

- There's a mad man with a gun.

- Um...

- He's Irish!

- Get in.

Why do you sit so close to the wheel?

I could steer with my balls!

- Where's the nearest police station?

- Just here.

Oh... thanks.

Are you Alan Partrid...?

Assault, battery, kidnap,

chronic thuggery,

brandishment, actual bodily harm,

grievous bodily harm...

- ..harm.

- Just stick to what you saw

and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.

- You mean aitch?

- That's what I said.

Nearly, you said haitch.

"Ha" is the sound of the letter,

aitch is its name.

One is ha, the other is aitch.

Neither is "haitch".

- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

- Mr Partridge?

- Something else we need to talk about.

- Oh...

- You're not in trouble.

- Oh, fine.

I've never been in a police car before.

May I lower the window, please?

Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha

Papa arriving at the school building.

- Officer.

- Mr Partridge.

- You were at the police station.

- I was just in the car with you.

- If you want to follow me, please.

- Huh.

- This way, please, sir.

- Yep.

Let's do it.

Mr Partridge, this is the Gold Commander

of the operation.

- Seriously, is that what you're called?

- On this operation, yes.

I'm Acting Chief Constable

Janet Whitehead.

- An honour.

- And I'm Martin Fitch.

Send.

From Scotland Yard's

Hostage and Crisis Unit.

Here to lead the negotiation.

Er... little bit awkward.

Who's in charge?

Make no mistake, this lady is in charge.

So here's the situation.

Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.

He's willing to give us three hostages but

only if he can talk to us through you.

Now, we need to know why Pat has done this

so we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion.

Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.

Sorry, wrong person.

Come here.

OK. Now, are you on any medication?

Er... Just some cream.

I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but

that's the only thing about me that is.

Do you suffer from any nervous

conditions, such as panic attacks?

Do I look like I suffer

from panic attacks?

I've had one panic attack in a car wash.

It was a perfect storm

of no sleep, no wife,

and angry brushes whirring towards me.

By the time the giant hair dryer

came on, I was in the footwell.

Does the idea of weaponry trouble you?

Er... no. I've fired several ries,

at fun fairs, and won prizes.

But I've never fired one

in anger, or at a cat.

We'll have you fully briefed

by the tactical firearms team.

Cool.

We'll keep in regular phone

contact with you when you go in.

Very cool. Sorry, go in?

- What, into the building?

- Mm-hm.

- To speak to Pat in person?

- Yes, is that not what you...

- Erm...

- Everything OK?

I'm just a little nervous about

going into a car wash... er... siege.

So what do you say, Al?

Will you help us?

Yep.

Guys, none of us choose

the hand we're dealt...

- You know...

- We do need an answer, I'm afraid.

Do you have another siege to go to?

It's my understanding that if you say

yes, you're allowed a few words.

- So you are saying yes?

- I was leaving that to the end.

- If you'd like to come with me.

- Sure.

Can I get a copy of that?

- Let's keep this simple, shall we?

- Roger, that.

- No heroics.

- Ten-four, good buddy.

Do not physically engage him.

- Fight a gun, ee a knife, yeah?

- Where do you read that?

Big fans of you guys in TFU.

If I had my way, all police

officers would carry firearms.

I think that firearms should remain

in the hands of specialists.

I was going to say that only specialists

should be allowed to fire them.

If you think I've just made that up,

you can call my assistant.

Alan! Read my lips.

If you jeopardize the safety

of any of my men,

or any of those hostages

because you've not been listening to me,

I will take off this police uniform

and I will make you pay for it.

You want me to buy your police

uniform off you?

No. I'll give you a f***ing good hiding,

is that clear?

Yes, that's clear. Yes.

That's clear.

You're close to me.

Now, you're a smart bloke,

I know you can handle it.

- I know you won't disappoint me.

- I won't.

I aim to please you,

and I... I hope to impress you.

- Good man.

- Yeah, you're a good man too.

Right, well, Dom will fill you in.

He has to say all that

sh*t for the insurance.

- Right.

- Tell me this much, mate.

- What's your favourite siege?

- Iranian Embassy.

Same. Why?

They used the sound of a pneumatic drill

to disguise the noise of them removing

bricks from a neighbouring wall.

- So they could smash through and...

- Take them out the game.

It's just a great siege.

Right.

Do you want to see my gun?

Does erm... Yes, please.

Let's clock the Glock.

You'll have to move quicker than that.

- Any last messages for your kids?

- Oh... Er...

No, they don't speak to me any more.

Yeah, "Why don't you

speak to me any more?"

I wouldn't know the answer, would I?

So just um... just...

tell them I love them.

Pat, Alan's coming in now.

- Greg!

- Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.

- They let you go as well?

- I'm relieved to be getting out of there.

- Aren't there still women in there?

- Yeah, well...

I think it would be a bit sexist

to let all the women go out first.

Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.

Thanks.

Pat?

Pat?

Pat?

- Prepare to die.

- I'm not ready to!

Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.

It's me - Pat.

God, you...

I just thought a little jokey costume

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