Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa Page #6

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- Oh, sorry.

- All right.

- We go?

- Yeah.

Oh, er... by the way,

thanks for not taking the gun.

Oh... that's fine.

You're listening to Pat Farrell.

This is Willie Nelson,

Always On My Mind.

For someone who's always on my mind,

my late wife Molly.

Maybe I didn't love you

Quite as often as I could have

Maybe I didn't treat you...

- Does that man look 59 to you?

- I didn't look.

- I just put his name into Google Images.

- This is Pat Farrell.

That is a Pat Farrell.

Do I have to do everything?

Ma'am, you better hear this.

It's taken from the

transcript of the broadcast.

0100 hours. "Partridge:

I wish this was abroad because it would

make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.

Farrell:
What's Banged Up Abroad?

Partridge:
You don't know Banged Up Abroad?

Farrell:
No.

Partridge:
Everyone

knows Banged Up Abroad.

Farrell:
I don't. What

is Banged Up Abroad?

Partridge:
You seriously don't know

Banged Up Abroad?

You have to be shitting me.

Farrell:
I've never even heard of..."

Just get to the bit where they stop

saying Banged Up Abroad.

"Side-kick Simon:

I once banged up a broad.

Partridge:
That's the best you've got,

even with a gun to your head?"

He's got a gun to his head.

I remember once coming to

in a skip in the middle of the afternoon

with my underpants in my mouth.

And then I realised:

"Oh, these are not my pants!"

Oh, I can laugh about it now

but, you know, back then...

Sssh, ssh. What's that?

Move into position, over.

It's the police.

If you like canaps that are on the

turn, we've hit the motherload.

Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure.

Whatever happened to circles?

I mean I've heard of a square meal

but that's ridiculous.

I was just saying

I've heard of a square meal.

Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.

OK.

- We think it's the police.

- Wait.

- That definitely came from in there.

- That's just a cupboard.

- It's not even an outside wall.

- Careful.

- No, Jason...

- I'll protect you.

It's not an outside wall.

Look, I'll show you. Look.

- Michael?

- Aye, aye, Mister Partridge.

What are you hiding in there for?

I found myself a place of concealment,

like when I was on manoeuvres.

Take your light off.

You're blinding everyone you speak to.

- Now it's ashing.

- Sorry.

Michael. You look like some

sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.

- How long have you been here?

- All night.

- What did you eat?

- I had me lunch box.

- Where did you go to the toilet?

- No.

I had me lunch box.

Thank God it's got a smoky finish

with an airtight seal.

I tell you what. It

seals in the freshness.

No, Michael. It seals out the freshness.

What is going on in here?

Michael's just visiting

us from the cupboard.

No need to get shouty-shouty.

Did those Goredale bastards

put you up to this?

- No.

- No, no. I've been in here a few nights.

- No, one night.

- No, a few nights.

A few nights this week

and the week before.

- Why?

- Me brother wanted the bed to himself.

Ah, yes.

Michael suffers from night terrors.

He thrashes about like a big salmon.

What's in the box?

Er... Michael... Michael

let himself down.

I'm really sorry.

I done a sh*t in the box.

Well, get rid of it.

Throw it out the window.

Fall back! Fall back!

Armed police!

- Identify yourself!

- Identify yourself!

Alan Partridge.

Who the f... Alan Partridge!

You know who I am.

I haven't been off the TV that long.

- "Identify yourself."

- Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.

Yeah, tell them to stop

pointing their guns at me.

- Lower your weapons.

- Yeah, lower your weapons.

Take your hand off your gun.

Take your hand off your gun.

And the other hand.

I can wait here all day.

Do as he says.

Thank you. Why do you have to

turn it into a competition?

Just because I won. OK.

OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.

I told you I've got a

very sensitive tummy.

Who are you talking to, Alan?

I've got Pat on the end of

the line in both senses.

I'm tethered to the building via

this rope and relaying messages

from Pat via this state-of-the-art

Sennheiser 1,000 head set.

Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm

telling them that now.

If you'd listened, you'd

know I'm telling them.

- Pat says Hi".

- Hi, Pat.

And hi to your fellow officers.

Hi. Hi, Pat.

Alan, listen. Pat works with us here,

this can all end well. OK?

- I give him my word.

- OK, just... Yep.

OK. Pat, you've got to...

you're rambling.

You've got to be more concise.

What do you want? I want a helicopter."

That's just an example, by the way.

Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.

That might not

be possible, Alan.

But let's dialogue.

What else can we do for him?

Pat says, "F***ing stupid pigs.

What the hell's going on?"

Pat, listen to me. That

was not an attack, OK?

We just had to dispose of a box around

the corner in a controlled manner.

Pat would prefer it if you

spoke through me, as would I.

Marlin says they deployed

a remote RV fitted with a disruptor

to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know

what you're talking about. He's quite angry.

He's honking in my ear

like a mad Irish goose.

- Aha!

- We love you, Alan!

Um... do you mind? It's

not a radio road show.

- I'm trying to host a siege here.

- We love you, Alan!

Get away. Who said that?

What's it like in there?

Ah... scary, stressful, lots of shouting.

A bit like being married again.

And there's a crazy person

running around with a gun.

So it's a lot like being married again.

And er... when I saw a guy with a shotgun

in his mouth begging for mercy then...

You're ahead of me.

You're ahead of me. A lot of you are.

He's still got his hand on his gun.

He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.

- I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.

- Alan.

I'm not retreating,

Pat's tugging me off.

No, come on.

- We're better than that. Guys, seriously.

- Alan, wait!

By the way, there's an extra hostage.

Meant to tell you that.

In a surprise development,

DJ Alan Partridge

appeared outside the building,

while tethered to a rope.

Footage of his address is already

one of the most viewed You Tube videos

since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".

Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page

lists one of his interests

as hand-to-hand combat,

has been acting as mediator between police

and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.

As people around the world ask,

who is Alan Partridge?

That was a majestic voice.

You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned,

Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.

You are listening to...

- ..the partridge and the poacher.

And, what I believe is a world first,

I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,

broadcasting live from

a siege at gunpoint.

Pure class, Alan.

And today, we'll be asking,

what was better in the olden days?

OK, Pat, shoot.

I mean, you know, start speaking.

- Terry in Necton.

- Egypt.

- I'm liking this.

- They used to build the pyramids,

now they can't get you

a taxi to the airport.

Terry, I like the way you think.

Please call again.

- Will do.

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