Albatross Page #2

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Yes.

Mum says that's what

dossers say.

Hmm.

Actually, um, I'm also

writing a novel.

Are you?

That's cool.

Yeah, but, um, got quite a lot

to live up to, though,

as you can imagine.

I mean, you can't exactly

go looking under "Conan Doyle"

and come up with some

airport read...

called Dirty B*tch, can you?

That's exactly

what I should have done.

Nothing to me,

all this university education.

What a shame

you didn't realize that...

before you wrote

Mental Interiors.

You might still have

a publisher.

You should take it on board,

Mr. Fischer.

"It is with bad sentiments

that one makes good novels".

That's Aldous Huxley,

Mrs. Fischer.

Who does this belong to?

It's not mine.

It's Emelia's.

Well, where is Emelia?

What are you doing?

Was having a break.

Don't be smart.

Get in.

Emelia!

Emelia!

F*** you very much.

What?

I said, "Thank you. "

Like, I just sang it.

Thank you

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Certainly not waitressing,

if that's what you're thinking.

Hello, Pokey.

It's Posy!

I know.

Sit in my section.

I'll move someone.

How's your novel going?

Oh, well, you know.

Posy, would you like

a milkshake?

Yes.

I'd like to have-

Uh, ladies first.

I'll be back in a moment

to take your order.

Excuse me?

I am a vegetarian.

That isn't something

to boast about.

Mmm, thank you!

I need a spoon.

So what can I do for you?

Actually,

I was just thinking-

You know, if you get that

down on paper,

it's called writing.

You can have that lesson

on me.

Actually, I was thinking

I might be able...

to do something for you.

Seriously.

I could teach you

creative writing...

if you're struggling.

Just you and me

writing?

Yes.

Sounds fun.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, Annie, you scared

the wits out of me.

Granny, it's Emelia.

Not Annie.

Mum's dead, remember?

Don't stay up too late now,

will you?

There's school tomorrow.

Granny, it's only 4:00,

and it's Sunday tomorrow.

And I'm working as well,

to tide me over for a bit.

Yes, yes.

Of course.

Basically, yeah,

I go like,

"So who's your sexual fantasy?"

Yeah?

And instead of saying like,

you know, Pamela Anderson

or something,

he goes, "A mermaid. "

I was like, "A mermaid?

That is half fish you want

to shag, you sick f***. "

He goes, "Yeah

Pretty much is

with most girls, innit?"

I think my granny's dying.

All right.

When my granny died, yeah,

my brother,

little Tommy, yeah,

starts singing,

"Burn, baby, burn,"

as she's going

in the oven.

F***ing priceless,

calling my nan "baby"

Babe?

Babe?

Well, I... I haven't actually

acted professionally...

for a few years now,

no.

Um, I was in a really

popular coffee commercial.

Um, I used to be

Joa Saunders.

I'm the one who married...

the novelist

Jonathan A. Fischer.

So, um, I was just calling

because I'm looking...

for new representation.

Right.

Yeah.

Yes, all right, I will.

I'll, um-I'll call back

when I'm in something.

Thanks.

Morning, Mrs. Fischer.

How's it hanging?

You're late.

And I want to have a word

with you.

What are you doing with things

that are left in the rooms?

Oh, well, uh...

The bed, I'm making.

The carpet, I've...

I've been walking on that.

And the curtains,

recently I've taken

to swinging on them.

Is that okay?

I mean the things that people

leave behind accidentally.

Are you stealing them?

No.

I haven't found anything

that's been left behind.

What's been left behind?

Well, the man who vacated

room three on Tuesday...

couldn't find his teeth.

Are you actually accusing me

of stealing

a set of old man's

false teeth?

What did you think I was going

to do with them?

These not look like mine?

I know that you live

with your grandparents.

Yes, and they both

have their own teeth.

If things get left behind,

they come down

to the lost property box.

I know.

I read the memo.

It was... fascinating

You should have been the writer

in the family.

Emelia,

you are this close

to getting fired.

Come in.

Hi.

Give me one minute.

Let me just finish

what I am doing here.

Sit down.

Sorry about that.

A moment of inspiration

can be lost in far less time

if you don't indulge it.

But I... caught it.

So hello.

Did you just fake that?

No.

Yes.

So Where's your Work?

I didn't bring

anything with me.

I understand if

you're not ready to show me...

what you have

written so far.

Wherever you've been,

I went there first.

I'm not sure

I'd own up to that.

So can you at least tell me

what your novel's about?

Do you have anything

to drink?

No.

Can't you just

go downstairs?

I mean, there must be something

downstairs.

So you haven't told your family

about our lessons then.

No, I haven't.

Hmm.

I do have a story actually.

It's about a naughty pixie.

Emelia, come on,

this isn't school.

Good, because I got expelled

from school.

I really wouldn't let your

daughter anywhere near me.

She's 17.

That's old enough to know

your own mind.

Is this a lesson on subtext,

Mr. Fischer?

Okay, let's start with text

and subtext then.

I suppose that's something.

And please don't call me

Mr. Fischer.

It makes me feel old.

I don't want to eat it!

I don't like it!

You haven't even tried it.

Come on, you have

to eat some.

No, she doesn't.

You don't have to eat it,

Posy darling.

Beth, don't force-feed her.

You would have made me

eat it.

Well, We've learned

from our mistakes.

How's the book going?

Hello?

Emelia!

Can I go out

for the evening?

Well, it's a school night.

Yeah,

but I'm on study leave.

Technically,

it's a school night.

You can go out.

Be back by 10:
00.

Great.

Show some f***ing backbone,

you total tool.

Don't start, Joa!

You'd slept with half

of Basingstoke by her age.

Lucky f***ing Basingstoke!

Wow, look at that.

Wow.

That's amazing.

Boy, I wish I had a camera.

Take a picture

on your phone.

I wish I had a phone.

Anyway, we should grab

what we can...

before they realize

it's wrecked here.

Oh.

Huge men's T-shirts.

Not as good as these.

Women's shoes.

Oh, those are revolting!

Look at the size of them!

Why is everything

so massive?

Here, you should have this.

We can't actually

take them.

They might belong to someone.

No, you can claim it,

provided notice is given...

so the rightful owner

has a chance to come forward.

We are taking all your

stuff, okay?

We're having the big T-shirts

and the shoes, all right?

Is that all right with you?

Ha-ha!

Aah!

What's that?

It's a joint.

Do you want some?

No, thanks.

Where on Earth do you get

hard drugs from?

Are you for real,

Pollyanna?

Can I try it?

Yeah.

It's just a rollie, though.

I just wanted

to see your face.

How come you're not doing

your A-levels?

Surely you want to get out

of here like everyone else.

My dad thinks

you're really clever.

I was doing A-levels.

I was at The Holy Family,

but I got kicked out.

I'm quite pleased actually.

'Cause my mum always said

that being a Conan Doyle

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