Albatross Page #3

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made you special,

and now I get to skip

all that

religious indoctrination

and do something proper.

Did your dad

really say that?

What else did he say?

Nothing.

I hope you don't mind me asking,

but what happened to your mum?

She jumped off the flyover

at Shoreham...

'cause my dad

didn't love her.

That didn't kill her, though.

She squeaked around

in a wheelchair...

for a couple years

after that.

And then when he didn't

come back and save her,

she overdosed

on sleeping pills.

Why didn't he come back?

Where is he?

Dead... disabled, divorced.

F*** knows.

God, Emelia, that's awful.

So is this what your book's

gonna be about?

No.

It's about bestiality.

Emelia?

Do you want to come up

to Oxford with me?

For my interview?

We could go

for a couple of days.

Stay over.

I'll pay.

What, and hang out

with a load of geeks?

F*** that.

I'd rather chew off

my own arm...

and club myself to death

with it.

Uh, sorry.

I was looking for Beth.

Yeah, I can see that.

Looking... long and... hard.

What, is that quits now?

Oh, that's right.

Go back to your

procrast-urbating

I'm done with my answers.

Are you?

No.

Stop cheating.

How can you write

like that?

Well...

I found these miraculous...

clawlike appendages

at the end of my arms,

and they were ideal

for clutching blunt instruments...

such as this, a pencil.

I meant, wouldn't it just be

easier to use your laptop?

I'd be lost without mine.

I don't have a laptop.

I come from

a no-parent family.

We spend most of our money

on gravestones

Ah.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you could use

Posy's computer.

Maybe I could.

I forgive you.

Your shoes are massive.

There you are.

Yep, here I am.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd finished

for the day.

Um, I was wondering

about Oxford.

Um, and I wondered

if the offer still stands...

for me to come

with you.

I thought you said

you didn't want to come.

Of course I want to come.

You don't have to.

I don't mind.

I'm not bothered.

I want to come.

Well, the offer's

still there.

I'd love you to come.

Wicked.

Cup of tea?

Yeah, great.

What's that?

It's a doggie bag, Granny.

Is it Bonnie's food?

No, Granny, um...

doggie bag,

as in leftovers.

Bonnie's dead, remember?

Bonnie's dead?

- Bonnie's dead!

- Yes, yes.

Well, well, when?

Why didn't somebody tell me?

Oh, Annie...

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't somebody tell me?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

The usual, boring.

I was wondering...

if you would like to go

out to dinner.

I can't, darling.

I've got tons to do.

Oh, come on.

It's Friday night.

I'm onto something here.

Really, I...

I can't just stop now.

Fine.

Starve then.

You're not going

to need that today.

Um...

You're going on

afield trip.

Hmm, what about the Shrew?

She's in London with Posy

for an audition, so... let's go.

Are you following me

Or am I following you?

Tell me, how do you do

What you do

Come with me.

'Cause the truth is

I never thought two

So where are we going?

You'll see.

Could ever come

Close as we do

You are very quiet.

Have I bored you to death?

No... the opposite.

It's just...

My dad was never around

to talk to about him...

Arthur.

All I have are a collection

of his books my mum gave me.

That's your experience,

Emelia.

That's you.

And it's your experiences

that shape you as a writer.

When I wrote The Cliff House,

it was me.

It ripped everything I had

from my soul.

It devoured me.

And it's left me

with nothing.

But, f***, it was good.

Even if you do

say so yourself.

If I could bottle you up

in an essence or two

I would sip you forever

and never need you

'Cause I howl at the moon

and the sun and the sea

But I wish I could tell

what this spell is on me

And I don't know how you do

what you do

But Shakespeare has nothing

on words like you do

Don't know how you do

what you do

Please do it to me

Thank you.

That was one of the best days

of my life.

There was no one at the desk

when we got in,

so we helped ourselves

to our key...

only to find that the room

wasn't cleaned.

It's not on.

No, it's not,

but I left my husband

manning the fort today,

and you know

what men are like.

No.

In the book,

the rooms are clean.

Look.

Here and, uh, here

and here.

"The room sparkles. "

It says it.

Where have you been?

Meeting a new editor.

I'm Jonathan Fischer,

the author.

Hi...

Actually, the room

was sparkling...

with energy and atmosphere.

Yeah, right, yeah,

of course.

The room is through here,

if you would like to take

your Wife for a tour.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Let's go.

Come on, Margaret.

Bring the cagoules

Jonathan,

how could you not have noticed

that that bloody girl...

didn't turn up?

Oh...

didn't she turn up?

You said, "bloody"

Bethany!

Oh, yeah

Ooh

Mr. Big Stuff I

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff I

You're never gonna get

my love

Now because you wear

all those fancy clothes

Oh, yeah

And have a big, fine car,

oh, yes, you do, now

Do you think I can afford

to give you my love?

Oh, yeah

You think you're higher

than every star above?

Mr. Big Stuff I

Dad?

Have you seen Emelia?

No, isn't she here?

And why ask me?

I only asked

if you'd seen her.

She just didn't show up

for work this morning.

That's all.

Hmm...

Oh, thank God.

I thought I was going

to be arrested.

Why?

What have you done?

Oh.

Well, I am 17.

Unless there's some strange

local bylaw I don't know about,

and kissing's

been deemed illegal.

Well, anyway, got other things

to Worry about today,

starting with a showdown with

the Shrew 'cause of you.

Why, what-what's going on?

What's she said?

All right,

keep your Wig on.

It's about yesterday.

Somebody was supposed

to cover for me.

You're not very good at this,

are you?

Are you coming

to Posy's party?

It's a P party, but...

Um...

So she can come

as a princess.

You can come as... a pervert.

Or a... pedophile.

Finish your food, Posy.

Emelia said

to give peas a chance.

I love Emelia.

She's great,

isn't she, Dad?

Yes.

Yes, she's great.

So can she come

to Posy's party on Saturday?

- No.

- Of course she can come.

What on Earth are you

talking about?

It's bad enough

that Beth's decided...

she's going up to Oxford

with her.

It's not like she's

one of our kids.

Of course she can come

to Posy's party.

I'm finished.

Fine, get down.

Can I watch

Sex and the City?

Thanks, Dad.

Aw, unh!

Hoo!

Where do you want me

to put this?

Oh, just there,

anywhere.

It's fine.

Unh!

Hey!

Hello, Peter.

Why are you wearing

that massive coat?

To stash this.

And I'd have felt self-conscious

on the bus wearing this.

Oh, my God,

you look amazing.

Aww, unh!

Bethany.

Better go and help my mum

before she has

a nervous breakdown.

Wait here.

Ooh!

Hiya.

Hi.

Ooh!

You look unbelievable.

Um, is that appropriate

behavior for a man of the cloth?

I can't help it.

Oh, well, it's not

the sexiest of outfits.

Was Piglet taken?

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