Albatross Page #4

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Aw, unh!

Hoo!

Uno, dos, tres

Quatro, cinco, seis

Siete, ocho

Aw, unh!

I'll go out first.

Don't come until I'm out

and away, okay?

I won't come at all

after that performance.

Joa.

What were you doing

in there?

I spilled fromage frais

on my ecclesiastical smock.

Where's Beth?

Definitely not

in the cleaning cupboard.

That's for sure.

F***.

You stop right there,

young lady.

What's going on?

I have just found,

in your underage daughter's

bedroom,

this...

at a children's party.

You are weeks away

from your exams,

and you've started

drinking alcohol?

You still have to work.

Keep it together, Beth.

Oh, who bloody cares?

You want to be a dropout too,

do you?

Like that ghastly girl that

you've been hanging around with?

Emelia is amazing.

You're just too...

bloody stupid to see it.

While you are living

under our roof...

and you are only 17,

Bethany, you will live

by our rules.

Tell her, Jonathan.

I mean, it's hardly

a terrible crime, Joe.

It's Beth

we are talking about...

Her idea of rebellion is staying

up late for News at 10:00.

Shouldn't we just be grateful

that she's showing some spark...

for the first time

in her life?

In fact, I applaud that

she's being more like Emelia.

At least she's getting

some spirit about her.

Gobsmacking

Utterly gobsmacking

Parent of the year award.

On, thank God.

I actually thought I was gonna

have to go with my mum.

Well, don't worry.

I'm ready.

Come on.

What do you think

he meant by "staircase"?

Seriously?

Can't recognize stairs?

Don't think

you'll get in here.

Don't say that.

Ah, hello.

Staircase 12.

Ah.

Oh, my God.

I have never seen so many

ugly men in all my life.

I mean, look at them.

Looks like they wear

their brains on the outside.

Obviously, I chose

The Queen's College...

because of a lifelong

fascination

with the Jacobean playwright

Thomas Middleton.

I assume you know why all of

the colleges are built in quads?

Is it so that geeks

only have to look at each other...

when they open the curtains

in the morning?

And what are you hoping

to read?

Wasn't it to keep

the gownies safe from attack...

from the townies?

Good girl.

I do like a lady

who does her homework.

Bet he f***ing does.

And so when he asked me

how I knew,

I said, "Well, sir,

as Sherlock Holmes always said,

Elementary, my dear Watson".

It was quite funny, 'cause his

name was also Watson, you see.

Holmes never said that.

I'll think you'll find

that he did in his books,

but I Wouldn't expect you

to have managed to squeeze in

much Conan Doyle

during your romp

around the chick-lit bucket

at Asda.

And I think if you'd

actually read Conan Doyle,

you'd find out

that you're wrong.

In 1892, he used the words,

"it was very superficial,

my dear Watson,"

and in the following year,

he said simply, "Elementary".

He never, ever

said them together,

you f***-trumpet.

Emelia, I am trying

to get a place here.

- Yeah, but he was

a pompous twat.

All right, sorry.

Come on, We'll go out

for a drink.

Ugh, shared showers

are rancid.

I swear there was a pubic hair

doll in the plughole.

Ah, look at you,

hot patootie.

I look ridiculous.

No, you don't.

I just don't want to

be embarrassing.

You're not embarrassing.

I'm not your mum.

Doesn't bother me

what you wear.

Wear what you want.

You look amazing.

- To Oxford.

- Oxford.

Shall we have another?

Interview's not until Friday.

Yes.

Tell you what.

Let's get them

to get us another.

All right.

Come on then.

My sister and I were wondering

if you'd like to buy us...

a couple of pints... of wine.

We're sisters.

Yeah, she said.

Go on then.

Yeah

Pick up that sound

Yeah

Pick up that sound

Yeah

Pick up that sound

Pick up that sound

They did it again

They did it again

They did it again

Yeah

Pick up that sound

Pick up that sound

They did it again

They did it again

They did it again

Emelia.

Mmm?

Mmm...

How did this happen?

Just stick your fingers

down your throat.

Honestly, you'll be fine.

I do it all the time.

Oi!

Can't you read?

Get off of that grass!

What are you doing?

I'm going to do it

for you.

What?

The interview.

It's been moved to today,

but it's fine.

I'm going to do

the interview for you, as you.

Today?

How do I look?

It's today?

When today?

Well, there was a notice

stuck to the door.

It said 2:
00, but...

it'll be fine.

I can bluff this for you.

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on,

pass me my notes.

Come on.

It's all right.

Don't panic.

Who gives a f***

about an Oxford comma?

I've seen those

English dramas too

They're cruel

So if there's any other way

to spell the word

it's fine with me,

with me

Bye.

So hoW'd it go?

Touch and go on all fronts.

I did offer, though.

Can you imagine?

I know.

It was a stupid suggestion.

You know absolutely nothing

about medicine.

I dunno, I've taken some

drugs in my time.

Why am I not surprised?

But you did it, Beth.

I mean, you just went

right ahead and did it.

You look absolutely

ridiculous, by the way.

Who gives a f***

about an Oxford climber?

I climbed

to Dharamsala too

I did

I met the highest lama

His accent sounded fine

to me

Where did you get

that book from?

Oh, I borrowed it

from one of the rooms.

Do you know there's one

in every drawer?

You don't have

to be embarrassed.

I do know what it's like,

you know.

I mean, my great-grandfather is

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Don't know why you keep

going on about it.

I mean, unless you're actually

Arthur Conan Doyle,

it's just a pointless hindrance,

isn't it?

My dad's

Jonathan A. Fischer.

So what?

Hello, darling.

Come on, give me a hug.

Emelia, are you coming back

for dinner?

Um, no, thanks, Mr. Fischer.

I've got to get back home.

But I'll see you on Monday.

Okay, see you then.

Bye.

She ate it all.

She's not doing too badly.

What are you doing, Emelia?

I'm eating my dinner,

same as you.

Surely you can't find

fault in that.

No, I mean with your life.

What are you going

to do with yourself?

What do you mean?

I'm writing a book.

I'm a Conan Doyle.

It's in my blood,

for goodness' sake.

And I'm really good at it.

Emelia... life is not

a fairy tale.

What is that

supposed to mean?

Look, I'm just saying,

it's not all

that's in your blood.

Don't... waste your life

like your mother did.

Don't cut yourself off because

of some fantasy you have.

It's too late to start

with me now...

just 'cause your own

daughter killed herself.

Where have you been?

No.

No?

No what?

That's not the answer

to that question.

No, I'm not into you

any more.

All right.

Bye then.

Babe?

"In my younger

and more vulnerable years,

"my father gave me some advice

that I've been turning over...

in my mind ever since. "

it's an odd first line,

given the absence

of a father character.

It's good.

It's very good.

Don't worry.

A little overwritten.

Sometimes you get very confused

by the use of a simile.

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