Albert Page #2

Noooooo!

[rapid hopping thuds]

- Uh, Dad, what's Grandma's

little tree doing on the truck?

- You're seeing things,

honey.

- Not things.

Grandma's tree!

- Ah...

[brakes squeak]

[clattering]

- Uh-oh!

- Oh, bite my bark.

[suspenseful music]

[]

[dramatic musical buildup]

- Holy Blitzen!

Coulda sworn I covered those up.

- The tree was here.

I saw it!

- Maybe you're just hungry,

sweetie.

Let's get some lunch!

I see things

when I'm hungry, too.

One time,

I saw a giant fried chicken.

- Whoo!

That was close.

- I think I wet my soil.

[muffled]

Help!

Help!

[louder]

Help!

Help!

- Talking snow!

- Whoa! The outside

is a strange

and mysterious place.

[groans]

Ugh!

Someone's underneath!

[gasps]

[whimpers]

Cold, cold, cold!

[gasping breath]

Ohh...

Ohh...uhh!

Sweet relief!

I got snow in places

no cactus should have snow!

- Hey, are you okay, mister?

- Mister?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

like you don't know who I am.

I love it, the whole

not recognizing me thing.

Hello!

Cactus Pete!

Come on down

to Cactus Pete's

We'll show you

A prickly good

[off-key]

Time

[gasps]

You're on a sign!

- A sign?

How 'bout plates!

Cups, napkins--the menu!

- How 'bout

the toilet paper?

[laughter]

His real name's Roy.

He changed it

after he got the job.

[laughter]

[growls]

- What were you doing

in the snow?

- It's a brutal

and sadistic tale.

[festive Latin music]

11 months outta the year,

I'm the hottest tamale

in town.

[singer whooping]

[]

[somber music]

But as soon as Christmas

blows in like a bad smell...

[brakes screech]

They toss me out like trash

just so this pretty boy

can take my special spot!

[growls]

[quietly]

I hate you.

[sighs]

Check out those lights.

- That tree has nothing

on you, Albert.

[tense music]

[chuckling]

Well...

aren't you

mister shiny and twinkly?

- Albert's gonna be the

Empire City Christmas Tree.

Maybe you've heard of it.

- Well, you don't say?

The most famous Christmas Tree

in the whole dang universe.

- Guys, we should roll.

- Well, not the universe,

not the whole thing.

[chuckles]

Just the world.

- Oh, don't be modest, Albert.

- Yeah, don't be modest, Al.

You're the Empire City

Christmas Tree, Al.

Everyone loves you, Al!

- Oh ho ho ho, that's because

the truly perfect

Christmas tree,

like moi, radiates the--

Aah!

- I know all about

Christmas trees, jocko!

[mocking] "We need room

for our precious trees.

Let's throw the cactus outside.

It won't mind."

Well, I do mind!

I mind a great deal!

[nervous laugh]

We should go.

- Sharpen your needles, boys!

It's time to show our friends

a prickly good time.

- Ooh, whatever you say, Roy.

[blows]

[groaning]

Ohh...

[pffft]

- Destroy that tree!

[cacti grunting]

ALBERT:
Aaaah!

[dramatic music]

[]

[thump]

[base scraping]

[inhales]

- Aah!

- You gotta shoot back.

- Gene's right.

Make us fly, Maisie.

- Not what I meant!

ALBERT:
Aaaahhh!

[thump]

[thud, sizzle]

- Ohh...

[]

[growls]

- Head for the truck!

- Yee-haw!

Ow!

- Aah!

- Aah--ooh-ooh-wah-oh!

[dramatic music]

Maisie!

[gasps]

Aah!

[grunts]

Run!

Oh!

- Albert!

- Behind you!

- Yah, yah!

Ooh!

- Wow.

- Dang.

[]

[gurgling]

[ice cracking]

- Ha ha ha ha!

Now, that was a prickly

good time!

[laughter]

- O, Christmas tree

O, Christmas tree

How heavenly

are thy branches

- Leave Albert al--

- Hah. That's the best

you got?

- Aah!

[crash]

- Maisie!

- Ha ha.

How's it feel...

knowing there ain't gonna be

no stinking Empire City Tree

this year?

- Let me get back

to you on that.

- Man, I hate Christmas.

Ooh!

[groans]

Ohh...

- Yes!

[truck engine turns]

- Next stop,

Baker's Hill!

Ha ha ha!

Wait, no! No, no, no, no!

- Wait, wait, wait!

Wait for us!

[panting]

No! No...

[somber music]

[dark music]

- I'll get us a new ride

faster than you can say

"Every wish comes true

if the wisher who wishes it

wishes hard enough!"

- Where'd you dig her up?

Come on, let's go back

to that cozy, wozy

wonderful store.

- You're a quitter.

- I'm a realist, pal.

Even if she does find us

a truck, which she won't,

what are the chances it's

gonna take us to Baker's--

[engine turns]

- Yoo-hoo!

Baker's Hill anyone?!

- Maisie, ha ha ha,

you're amazing!

- Unbelievable.

- I'm the best,

I'm the best!

Aw, yeah!

I'm the best!

Ooh-ooh!

I found a truck! Ooh, yeah!

Let's go!

[ominous Latin music]

[]

[soft music]

Oh, boy! This is gonna be

the best Christmas ever!

Can you feel it, Albert?

- Whoa!

[chuckles]

There are stars in the sky

and snow on the ground.

It's everything Christmas

should be.

[sighs]

But something's still missing.

It's me!

[upbeat music]

Bows top presents

perfectly

Snow's like frosting

on a tree

The stockings

and the sleigh bells

Are a lovely touch

But there's room for

improvement in everything

And Christmas

is missing a certain zing!

It's a matter of time

until I get to shine

And then everyone will see

The best thing that can happen

to Christmas

The best thing

that can happen to Christmas

The best thing that can happen

to Christmas

Is me

- What about Santa?

- Yeah, he's pretty great.

- And the nine flying reindeer?

- Uh, there were only eight.

- When it comes

to Christmas

You can't have too

Much

- There's more to be merry

and sing about

The timing is right,

and the moment's now

- The star of the evening

might not be the star

But, actually, the tree!

- The best thing that can

happen to Christmas

The best thing

that can happen to Christmas

The best thing that can happen

to Christmas

Is meeeee

Yaahhh!

[whack]

- Ha ha ha! The best thing

that could happen to Christmas

is me...

beating the sap out of

the shiniest, twinkliest,

Christmas tree in the world!

- Whoa! What's happening?

[tense music]

[Cactus Pete groans]

- "Bakers Hill.

Paper--Paper Mill?"

[all exclaiming]

- Aah!

- Aah!

[buzzer blaring]

Oh!

- I don't wanna die

in screaming agony!

[whimpering]

Hold on to something big!

- At least we got rid of

Cactus Pete!

- Think again!

Ha ha!

- Albert!

[bang, crunch]

- Maisie!

Hang on, I'm comin'!

[banging, crunching]

- Oh!

- Wrong again.

You're goin'!

- Oh!

- Ha ha!

Oh, boy.

- Ah...aah!

[dramatic music]

- Yes!

Pete, I know a way out.

But I need your help.

- What's your plan?

- Gene can flip the switch!

[groans]

- This is not a plan.

It's--aah!

[intense music]

- Hurry up, Gene!

- Hurry!

[grunts]

It's stuck!

- Albert!

- I'm sorry, Maisie!

I'm sorry!

- At least I'll take you down

with--

Aah!

[buzzer blaring]

[dramatic musical buildup]

[]

[wood cracking, crunching]

Ah...

- Albert!

- Maisie!

- Aah!

Aah--

[thud]

[panting]

Finally!

[dark music]

[]

[hinges creak]

[]

[dramatic musical flourish]

[]

- Let the auditions begin!

- Hmm.

This could work.

- We can't have Christmas

without a tree.

- Bring it, Boo!

- If it's up to me,

this one will be

[straining]

The Christmassy-est--

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