Alex & The List

1

[dogs panting]

[panting]

Whoo!

[cell phone ringing]

Sh*t.

[lively chattering]

[man]

You know, I think that...

- They asked me to, right?

- No.

You know?

The hill?

It's good you're late.

You're getting too thin.

Eat something.

Where is she?

I became completely gluten-free,

which for me was

a definite journey.

Wait, was this

because of an allergy?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

Oh, that's good.

I'd be so concerned.

There's a lot of food

that has gluten.

[blowing softly]

You're spectacular.

And you're sweaty.

[chuckles]

- [dog barking]

- Stop it.

- Stop it.

- [dog continues barking]

Stop it!

Stop, stop, stop it!

Oh! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Sorry. Stop it.

- Oh!

- [conversations stop]

He's brilliant with dogs.

He coaches them professionally.

May I?

- Oh, my.

- Here we go.

- [whimpering]

- There we go.

[guests] Aw.

All right. You see, she...

She thinks my shoe hitting

the floor is an act of God.

Now she associates that

unpleasant noise with barking.

- [whimpers]

- She's actually really sweet.

No one has ever called

my dog sweet.

- [chuckles]

- You must be Alex.

Uh, you must be Victoria.

- [Victoria] Yes.

- [growling]

[stifled sneezing]

[clears throat]

[Victoria]

Are you all right?

Yeah, just a little allergic.

I'll be fine.

You are going to come with me.

I'm going to show you off.

- [sneezing]

- [Victoria] Hello, everybody.

Really see it. Picture it.

Picture a coin.

Picture a coin.

There we go.

[laughs]

What would be really great...

is if it were something...

[woman gasps]

...that I could give

to my lady.

- [man] Oh!

- [laughing]

You know, I'm starting

to like your, uh,

bizarre, insane...

sometimes pretentious friends.

Well, you know,

there's some very talented,

powerful people here.

- Yeah?

- [chuckles]

There he is. Hey, buddy.

- [Alex chuckles]

- How you doing?

Dave, what a sight?

Oh. Uh-huh.

Oh. Hey.

This is a great party, really.

- Okay. Thank you.

- [woman laughing]

[groans]

You do realize that

he presses up against me,

he rubs back and forth, pressing

his chest into my b*obs, right?

He-He's just really excited

to see you.

[chuckles]

I'll talk to him. Again.

[laughing]

[coughs]

Hmm. I'm getting myself

another martini.

Anyone want anything?

A Sapphire and tonic.

Cosmopolitan.

Alex, how about a real drink?

Are you fine with your

non-alcoholic gay cranberry thing?

[Lily]

It's not gay.

When one person doesn't drink,

it's such a buzzkill.

It brings everyone down.

[whispering indistinctly]

- Hmm.

- Okay.

I look like a piece of sh*t

next to her.

[chuckling]

No, you don't.

I do.

[sighs]

Was I charming and likable?

Captivating.

I think I am in love with her.

Wow.

That's huge. You hate women.

True. I come from a long line

of women-haters.

My grandmother

didn't like women,

my mother didn't, and I don't.

But Katherine,

I mean, she has

a beautiful voice,

a nice laugh,

no irritating quirks,

and a good enough personality.

She's perfect, right?

And I love that

she doesn't despise me

like your other girlfriends.

Remember Robyn?

[exhales]

I will never forget her.

She looked at me with that

homicidal glare in her eye.

Yeah. She was a great cook.

She was.

Well, I mean,

why isn't Katherine

with one of these

handsome, wealthy guys then?

Because she doesn't want

the good-looking studs.

She wants you.

She loves your old-fashioned

sense of chivalry.

You're a gentleman.

All right.

- Check this out.

- Hmm?

Oh...

Oh, my God. Alex.

It's stunning.

It's my grandmother's.

[softly]

Wow.

When are you gonna

give it to her?

[door opens]

What's going on in here?

Uh, um...

Michael's had

too much to drink.

They have to do this shot

exactly at nine o'clock, so...

[clears throat]

Yeah, I'm on another

IVF cycle.

- The seventh one.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, at least you have Nicky.

I know, but, um,

one is just not enough.

You'll see.

You know what?

Let me do it.

I bet I can do it better.

I bet she can.

I mean, I'm sure this is fun

for you in some way, but...

[Lily and Katherine laughing]

[clears throat]

[Katherine]

All right.

[Katherine]

Oh, you poor thing.

Make sure you blow on it.

[Katherine]

Okay.

[Katherine blowing]

[Lily]

Just stick it in.

[Lily groans]

[Lily]

Slowly.

I have to ask you, Lily.

How did you know

that Michael was the one?

That is a very good question.

And I think I know

where you're going.

Okay.

I discovered when you have

to make a tough decision,

you do it from the heart.

I know, most people think

the heart is purely

an emotional organ,

but it's not.

It's actually quite cold

and unemotional.

It's logical,

but it knows what's best.

More than the brain sometimes.

You just... you have to know

what you want in a man.

You could even write it down.

[Michael]

He is not going to propose.

Yes, he is.

[laughing]

He's a child.

Hangs onto you

like you're his mommy.

Runs to you when there is

the slightest crisis.

[laughing]

I can see why you only

dated him three times.

Actually, it was four.

And he pretends Nicky's his son.

He's my boy.

He's lonely.

He doesn't have any family.

I know he doesn't.

And I want him to get there.

- Hmm. You smell good.

- Hmm.

You know Katherine's not gonna

put up with this.

Why do you?

Because I have... this.

You and Dave are so different.

Yeah. He's one of those friends

you inherit from childhood.

There for life.

I'm sorry.

I know he's crude.

But he looks out for me,

and I look out for him.

[chuckles softly]

[dog growling]

[barking]

[toy squeaks]

Come here, buddy.

Come here.

Use it up, buddy.

Use it up.

Use it up.

Hey.

[taps floor]

Mail?

Good boy!

Good boy. Bring it here.

Bring it here, bud.

Good boy.

Remember Katherine's brother?

Gary?

The weird guy.

He's getting married.

Maybe I could bring you.

Come on.

You ready to go to work?

[sniffs]

[whimpers]

[Alex] Does he ever

walk around like he's drunk?

Yes.

[whimpers]

Prolonged staring

where nothing distracts him?

Sometimes.

Bang his head against the wall?

Yes.

Does he eat his own feces?

Not that I'm aware of.

[dog whimpers]

Well, Gumball here,

he's experiencing anxiety.

- We're gonna find out why.

- [whimpers]

Take a deep breath.

[exhales]

We're just gonna go

in one smooth movement.

- All right.

- It's all good.

- Smooth.

- Smooth.

- Smooth.

- Smooth.

Smooth movements.

It's all good.

Just like...

Look, he's fine.

- Enzo's good. He's good.

- What if he bites me?

He's not gonna bite you. I promise you.

He's not gonna bite you.

- Okay.

- He's not gonna bite anybody.

- Promise?

- I promise you.

Let's do it.

[Alex]

Good boy.

Good boy.

Isn't that the one that bit you?

Sure is.

You never cease to amaze me.

Wanna grab an early bite?

Can't. I have a date.

- Can I come?

- [laughs]

I'm proposing

to Katherine tonight.

Oh. I hope she doesn't say no.

- I've never had anyone say yes.

- Hmm.

- [kids shouting]

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