Alex & The List Page #2

- Sir!

You kid is playing

with your dog's sh*t.

You might want

to clean that up.

[dog barking]

[muted conversations]

- [slow jazz music playing]

- [waiter] Here's the appetizer menu that you wanted.

- Just let me know if you need anything.

- [man] Thank you.

[waiter] I recommend

the calamari.

So this dog...

Uh... Yeah, he, um...

Anyway, he's just... he's like

getting more and more anxious,

and I think he's gonna

have to go on

anxiety medicine

or something like that.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah.

- That's really serious.

Alex, you're the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

You take me seriously.

You listen to me.

You think I'm smart.

You make me laugh.

I thought about this.

Methodically. From my heart.

I wrote it down.

And what I'm trying to say is...

let's go the distance.

Oh, and don't take

any of this as criticism.

These are just

well-thought-out suggestions.

Think of them as observations.

Like, um, this first one.

Get teeth whitened.

Don't be embarrassed by it.

A lot of people have

this problem.

Yellow, dullish looking teeth.

It can make one look

a little older.

I get them done

every six months.

As you know.

This next one is very fun

and a no-brainer.

Upgrade wardrobe.

You've this great,

perfect body for clothes.

Let's show it off.

And I'm a soon-to-be designer.

Okay, three,

I'm very excited about.

Like sports.

I mean, come on,

let's be honest.

Gary did not quite turn out

to be the son my dad wanted.

I was the one who grew up

loving sports.

Loving sports.

Football, basketball, baseball.

Soon as I hear

Al Michaels' voice,

I go straight back

to those halcyon days

where my dad and I are

arguing and cussing,

and he's downing a whole bottle

of California Red

and throwing the remote

at the TV.

[laughing] I mean,

you are a sports guy.

Just you like the ones that

aren't on the major networks.

Like Snooker. Just,

you know, if you just try

to like the sports

that other people know about,

my dad...

will be yours for life.

And that's something we can do

together every Sunday night.

With my dad.

[inaudible]

[jazz music continues]

And, Alex, really, if there is

anything you want me to change,

anything you want me to change,

I-I will do it.

I don't want you

to change a thing.

I really think we can have one of those

great relationships of all-time.

You know what would really be

the icing on the cake?

No.

If we could finish this...

in time for Gary's wedding.

[chuckles nervously]

- [pounds table]

- You know what? That's perfect.

That's perfect.

You know why? Because

everybody's gonna be there.

All your friends,

your relatives,

your family members.

Everybody that's important

in your life.

No, I just... I want...

them to see the kind of couple

that we can be.

Yeah. No. Of course, that's...

obviously...

what this thing is about.

Showing all of them,

all those important people

how great you are.

No, I'm sorry,

how great we are.

Right?

You know what?

Let's treat this like a game.

Right? Come on!

[exhaling]

[cell phone ringing]

[yelling]

You remember that Russian girl

I was emailing a while back?

One who loves dogs?

[TV playing indistinctly]

[sighs]

[laptop chimes]

[woman with Russian accent]

Hello, my love, Alex.

You are ray of light

on my heart.

Yes, I give to you pardons

that long you not writes to me.

[Lily]

"You imagine dream today

"has dreamed me.

It was such bright and fine."

[chuckles]

"I am at home.

"You enter my room,

and I feel your aroma."

[laughing]

"You cautiously place me

in a sofa

"to unbutton me.

"The dress and your soft hands

start to caress

my breasts softly."

Oh! "And our bodies

merge as a whole

"and you compress me

so strong.

"Then we start

to be borrowed love.

About as I would like that

this dream appeared the truth."

What the hell are you doing?

I thought you stopped

emailing the Russian

two weeks

after you met Katherine.

I did stop.

You were doing that

out of loneliness,

and you're not

the lonely guy anymore.

What's wrong with keeping

my options open?

Options? Uh, what are you

talking about?

She's a nurse from Ivanovka,

in the Kirov area.

That's interesting.

Wait a minute.

What happened?

[Lily]

Did she, um,

say anything as to how

she came up with this?

Uh, something about the heart

being smarter than the brain.

Oh my.

Jesus!

I mean,

this is really incredible.

I just didn't expect this.

I know. The audacity of it.

I mean, it's humiliating.

No. No, it's not humiliating.

It's actually quite brilliant.

It makes me sound like a loser.

Well, what she's saying is,

she wants to marry you.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

I don't... I don't see that

in any way at all.

No woman would give a guy

a list like this

unless she wanted to be with him

for the rest of her life.

Hmm?

And every woman has a list.

She just wrote it down.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

That's my dad's root beer.

Oh, Michael's home.

Let's see what he thinks.

This ought to be good.

She expects Alex

to become a Jew?

People convert

all the time, Michael.

And Judaism is

a beautiful religion.

Why is number seven crossed out?

That's "Replace male friend

who is a bad influence."

You mean me? F*** her.

- No, no. Dave.

- She means Dave.

We crossed it out,

so he's not gonna do that one.

Okay.

"Get teeth whitened."

What about Alex's

lifelong dentist phobia.

That's no joke.

- [Michael] Very serious.

- We'll help him through it.

Look, Alex.

[Michael sighs]

If a woman gave me this list,

this is what I would say to her:

"You do know

if I make these changes,

"I won't love you anymore.

"I love you because

you love my faults.

"If I fix them,

"I'd have to raise my standards,

and you won't make the cut.

Now do you really want

to hand me that list?"

Wait a minute.

Men expect women to be perfect.

Like, all the time.

You expect us

to have perky tits,

firm asses, and perfectly

symmetrical facial features.

And then you expect us

to have your kids,

and then have our bodies

go back to looking great.

And we're not allowed to age.

Not a sag, not a wrinkle.

So do not tell me

Katherine did anything wrong.

How's he gonna pay

for this sh*t?

Well, remember the money

his parents left him.

This could be good

strategically.

If you do Katherine's list,

you'll have leverage over her.

She'll owe you.

Oh, honey,

always so Machiavellian.

Alex, if you don't do this,

you'll regret it.

[Dave] And why is

number seven crossed out?

Uh, it's "Replace male friend

who's a bad influence."

You mean me?

Oh, f*** her.

No, no, no.

She means, uh, Michael.

Oh, okay.

Look, dude, Alex,

everybody has some weird sh*t.

I guarantee you she does.

Like what?

How about that

she gave you a list?

This is my life, okay?

I'm never gonna find

another girl like this.

Yes, that's one hundred

percent true.

[groans]

[chair squeaking]

[sighs]

What's with

the plastic furniture, man?

It's inflatable.

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