Alex & The List Page #3

I can pack this up

and be out of here

in ten minutes

if I have to be.

Jesus.

Look at the way we live.

This is so f***ed up.

No, it's not.

Hey, we are youthful-ish.

We're allowed to be like this.

After 40, it's starts

to get pathetic,

but we're still okay.

[chair squeaking]

[Mrs. Stern]

Katherine's got an eye.

[Mr. Stern]

I have an eye.

I pick out my own underwear

and socks.

Don't need

to pay anyone for that.

Dad.

You don't need to work.

Uh, do it as a hobby.

- I'm gonna be a designer.

- Ah.

You have a very

talented daughter, my dear.

Don't sell her short.

Do I have to work?

Yes.

You're a man.

Honey, you're never gonna have

to worry about money.

But your... husband should

be able to support a family.

Do you think that idiot with

the dogs is gonna support you?

I mean, what kind

of profession is that?

What's next, elephants?

What about elephants?

[doorbell rings]

Alex is here.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, I-I'll let you two, um...

Whatever.

We had to pick Nicky up

from school and then...

Lily demanded to come so...

Well, they should come in.

No, they're fine.

Um, I just wanted

to talk to you.

I'm not gonna do your list.

I know.

I never should have asked you.

It's not fair.

Uh...

No, no, it's not fair.

To expect you to do all those

things that I wrote down,

it's a lot.

Yeah, it is a lot.

Well, it's not. I mean...

I could do them.

I know. You could, very easily.

I believe in you.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, I could probably do them

perfectly if I chose to.

Of course.

But I don't want to.

Okay.

Hello, Alex.

Um, I just wanted to ask,

your friend and her son

are still out there.

Should I bring them

something to drink?

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'll go get them, Mom.

Hey!

Uh... you didn't say

anything to Alex?

About what?

Our bedroom conversation.

I didn't say anything about you.

Okay.

Look, just promise me,

you'll never tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him,

but you were the inspiration.

I would never have thought

to do that without you.

No, no, no.

I was not the inspiration.

I'm not the inspiration.

You wrote the list, okay?

I didn't tell you that part.

You don't have to worry

about it. He's not gonna do it.

He's not?

Because I kinda told him

that he should.

- You did? Really?

- Yes.

Shouldn't we get your son

out of the hot car?

Yes. Yeah. Yes.

[laughing] Oh, God.

That's a really good idea.

Oh. Okay.

This is so embarrassing.

Oh!

I look like a rat.

I have Nicky set up

in front of the TV

in the den with a treat.

- Thank you.

- He's so darling.

Katherine showed him

her old room,

her stuffed animals.

So, Gary, you excited

about the big day?

What big day?

- Your wedding.

- He's thrilled.

Alex, do you have a minute?

Something to drink?

I'm having scotch.

No, I'm okay.

Are you?

Alex... [sighs]

Katherine showed me

the list.

And I want you to know

I wholeheartedly support

your choice not to do it.

Look around.

This is her world.

It's not yours.

She expects a lot.

Too much from men.

But...

it's not her fault.

It's mine.

Let me help save you

from the pain

of trying to fit in

with all of this.

You're a dog guy.

That's fine.

We don't have any dogs.

We did seven IVFs

to get one kid,

and he never complained once.

Each time, he had

to sit in a little room

and jerk off to some 1980s porn

that other men

have jerked off to.

- [Lily chuckles]

- Jerking off.

Been there.

[both laugh]

And then he had to put

the cup in a paper bag

and walk it across the room

like a child carrying his lunch

and give it to his secretary.

- [Lily laughing]

- Paper bag.

[engine revving,

tires screeching]

What the hell was that?

This is gonna be

very interesting.

[opera playing on stereo]

[exhales]

- [keys jingle]

- [music stops]

Oh!

[laughing]

Wow, that's a beauty!

- Thank you.

- Come on in.

[speaking Italian]

- [laughing]

- [Mr. Stern] Everyone,

may I introduce

Dr. Antonio Rosenblatt.

Best optometrist

on the West Side.

Buongiorno.

Rosenblatt?

Yeah, my father is Jewish.

My, uh, mom is from Florenzia.

[gasping]

Fascinating.

Interesting.

Well then, you're not

actually Jewish

'cause you're mother isn't.

No, no, I'm Jewish.

Who is this

beautiful little man?

He's mine.

I'm the mother.

Lily.

[clears throat]

- Does he like cars?

- Oh!

Loves them.

Well then, we'll take you

for a ride later on then.

I would love that.

- And, uh, my daughter Katherine.

- Hey.

Oh, wow.

[laughing]

What? That's my thing.

I do the magic tricks.

[speaking Italian]

Do not show your hand,

okay, Alex?

Be strong.

That big, overly Italian guy

isnt' a threat.

[Alex] Not a threat? Come on.

Look at you.

You can't even help yourself.

Please, please take me for a

ride in your European car later.

- [Lily] Okay, stop.

- [Alex] Your penis must be gargantuan

just because you're Italian.

Suddenly, I don't care

about my husband and my child.

- Run away with me.

- Alex, stop.

Stop. There's just something

about Italians, okay.

- It's hard to explain.

- Oh God.

All women react like this.

I mean, look at him.

- [speaking Italian]

- [Lily] Oof!

[Lily] But it doesn't

really mean anything.

[indistinct conversations,

laughter]

Good coffee goes a long way.

Katherine, I'm doing the list.

Well, my friend,

you have seven cavities,

receding gums...

- Ah!

- ...and cracked enamel.

I'm not even sure

I can save that one.

Also, your front incisors are

a bit rabbit-like.

- I'd like to file those down.

- [Lily snickers]

Sorry.

Rabbit-like.

Teeth whitening comes last,

after all these

other procedures.

Uh, well, I appreciate

your concern

for the health of his teeth.

The reason we came here is

for the teeth whitening.

I'd like to discuss what kind

of white you'll be using.

White.

Well, there are other shades

and intensities and...

different variations on white.

I-I'll show you.

I thought this might come

in handy.

See, um...

eggshell white might be

a nice one.

Yeah, no, that's really nice.

Uh, what about polar bear?

Mm, that might be

a bit too dingy.

How about something

a little closer to, ooh,

nebulous white.

Ooh, that...

that is a very nice

neutral white.

- Yeah, exactly.

- I think you're right.

- Polar bear.

- [chuckles]

Is it polar bear or nebulous?

- I think it's nebulous.

- Definitely nebulous.

[machine whirring]

[dentist]

Open.

[groans]

[machine whirring]

[grunting]

You conquered a lifelong fear.

I'm so proud of you.

[slurring]

I'm so proud of you.

Definitely less, uh,

rabbit teeth.

[laughing]

It's outstanding.

Look, it's outstanding.

Outstanding, huh?

You don't need this.

Yeah, yeah, Oxycodone.

You definitely

don't need all these.

Yeah, I'll take a few.

- [door bumps]

- [Katherine] Oh God.

[Alex laughing]

[Katherine]

It's for my parents really.

You know my dad.

It would make things

less complicated.

Many people

stereotype Jewishness.

Characterize them as nitpicky,

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