Alex & The List Page #4

stingy, scheming merchants.

Misers collecting diamonds,

counting money.

Uttering phrases like,

"Shalom, mazel tov, Oy vey"

Constantly hearing about bagels,

violin playing, haggling.

The complaining,

guilt-inflicting Jewish mother.

The spoiled, materialistic

Jewish-American princess.

The often meek but nice

Jewish boy.

You sure you're not

anti-Semitic.

That all spilled out

of your mouth a little too easy.

I take umbrage at that.

I am just a concerned friend

who can't believe

you're doing this for a woman.

[breathes deeply]

Hey, remember.

No more Christmas,

no more Easter Bunny.

Think about it.

[blowing]

Do you know

what it means to convert?

Uh, you...

become a Jew.

It's a little more complicated

than that.

I've known the Sterns for...

over 20 years.

I've watched Katherine grow up.

Yes, she's spoiled,

and she has a good heart.

And she certainly knows

what she wants.

Do you?

Sometimes.

You know that

it is my job

to dissuade you from converting?

I'm committed to protecting

the Jewish religion

and the Jewish people.

My personal feeling is

to welcome people

to this beautiful faith.

But...

if they are not serious...

or they have

stereotypical ideas, beliefs...

Oh, no, no. No, no.

I-I am serious.

I am totally serious.

I don't want to harm any Jews.

I would protect them all

if I could.

I respect Jews.

I... I've watched Jews

my whole life.

The entire Holocaust

was terrible.

Ho-Horrific.

It makes me sick like...

uh, and... but...

They've done so well

for themselves in Hollywood now.

I mean, they make

all those great...

movies and...

That was the stupidest thing

I have said.

I'm sorry I said that.

I'm babbling.

What about your family?

Gone.

I'm sorry.

I like you. You're honest.

You didn't come here

and tell me

what you thought

I wanted to hear.

You didn't try to fool me.

I'm not very good at that.

- All right.

- [taps desk]

Let's start with the basics

and move on from there.

And I think you may be surprised

at what you learn.

Okay, Rabbi.

Do I call you Rabbi?

Yes.

Did you know

rabbi means teacher?

We educate people

in how to connect to God

and to spirituality.

I like that.

The process takes

about six months.

Uh, that's actually not...

gonna work because I need

to be Jewish in three weeks

for Gary's wedding.

We'll deal with that

when we get to it.

But for now, you need to study.

You'll also have a mikveh,

a ceremonial baptism.

And you will need

to be circumcised.

Oh, I am. I, uh...

I believe you.

It's a ritual circumcision

by a mohel.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

Okay.

[sighs]

[Lily] When I came here,

I hated all American sports,

especially baseball.

I mean, it was torture.

I didn't get it, at all.

Then, I started

to get to know the players.

This one's married.

This one's single.

This one's good-looking.

I started to see the pictures,

the split finger fastball,

the cutter, the sinker,

change-up.

I began to understand

the strategy.

I decided to change

how I felt about baseball.

And now, I'm more passionate

about the game than Michael.

And then, there is football,

American football.

There's no other sport

that makes grown-up men cry,

brings them to their knees

more than football.

It taps into our most

primal instincts.

So, allow yourself to enjoy

the epic struggle,

the spectacle that is football.

[crowd on TV cheering]

Come on, run it down

their throats.

Time to air it out. Go long!

[laughing]

[TV announcer

talking indistinctly]

Maybe he should

dump it off short.

- No.

- Pssh, of course not.

Good try, Alex.

Brady likes to stay aggressive,

move it down the field.

Yeah, except the defense

is expecting that.

They have

their nickel package in.

[Mrs. Stern]

That's true.

Brady better be careful.

That was a good try, babe.

Okay. Third and one.

Run it off tackle.

Get the first down.

[TV commentary continues]

Or... maybe he should fake it

into the line and go deep.

Oh, that's bold, Alex.

[commentator] ...fires

into the end zone. Touchdown!

[all cheering]

Outstanding, Alex.

Good. Good work. Good...

Hey, come over here.

Sit by me.

Katherine, give him some room.

[commentator 1]

What a touchdown by 22.

[commentator 2]

He's a great football player.

Unfortunately, earlier in the

season, he took a big hit.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised

to see him bootleg it here.

Hey, I got my own John Madden

next to me.

[knocking]

[TV commentary continues]

He's so surgical

in that position.

Changing up tempos like that. His

guys giving him passing lanes.

Hey, Brady's got ice water

in his veins.

No-flinch mentality.

Damn you, Brady!

[Mr. Stern]

I'm taking you to a game.

Jesus.

Fifty-yard line, ten rows back.

How the hell did you get these?

Go get yourself a drink.

Oh, I brought you

something to drink.

Wow! 1967 Bordeaux.

Antonio, you didn't need

to do that.

Alex, uh, why don't you open it?

Or do you need some help?

Tell you what.

You go ahead

and open it yourself.

You might wanna decant it first.

Although it's probably lost

all its fruit by now.

Katherine, go get him.

Patriots are the forces of evil.

Alex, please.

Don't go.

[sighs]

You know I didn't invite him.

My dad did.

He is stalking you.

He's an optometrist.

That's not a real doctor.

The real doctor is

an ophthalmologist.

Mr. Antonio Rosenblatt

is a pretend doctor.

He sells glasses.

What a scam.

And you, oh,

"Yes, may I please have

some of your special wine."

Because everything Italian

is automatically incredible

just because it's Italian.

And by the way, I'm pretty sure

he's not Italian.

He sounds French to me. I don't know

why anybody else doesn't hear that.

How'd you know about

the wine and the football?

Because when I say I'm gonna

do something, I do it.

Hundred percent.

I like that.

All right, uh...

I guess I'll go get back

to your dad.

I don't wanna be rude

or anything.

I don't wanna be a dick.

Where do you think you're going?

I guess it is only the beginning

of the third quarter out there.

My dad's never leaving

that game.

And that score is pretty tight.

Really tight.

We have a good 32 minutes.

[Katherine]

This next one is very fun

and a no-brainer.

Upgrade wardrobe.

You have this great,

perfect body for clothes.

Let's show it off.

[laughing]

Hmm.

[cell phone ringing]

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

It's Victoria.

Uh-oh.

Wardrobe emergency?

Yes. One of our big clients

who no one can stand,

apparently, she hates the dress

I pulled for her.

I'll get back soon as I can.

I'm so sorry.

But there's so many

beautiful clothes here.

Have fun.

[Katherine]

Mix and match.

Do whatever you want.

It's gonna make you look

so handsome.

[Alex] I was finally getting

comfortable around Mr. Stern.

Like we were bonding.

We were watching football.

And then this Antonio guy

comes in.

He ruined everything.

Ruined the whole moment.

What do you think

I should do?

Tell him to go away.

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