Alex & The List Page #5

I shouldn't punch him?

Only policemen and Marines

are allowed to punch.

Only what?

Policemen and marines

are allowed to punch.

[laughs]

That's a good point.

We're oddballs, huh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I think we need to be more

like Steve McQueen.

Yeah.

[sighs]

[men grunting]

Grunters.

What the hell?

Look at that lame f***.

Alex, my friend!

Who's he?

That's the Jewish-Italian

optometrist.

Clearly sounds French though.

[Michael] The one who wants

to get into Katherine's pants?

That's the one.

Look who dropped by, Alex.

Great.

How about we play a match?

Terrific idea.

That's all right.

I think we'll come back.

Absolutely. Let's do this.

[chuckles]

Yea-oh!

Kick their asses.

F*** me! F*** me!

[grunting]

- Ooh!

- [laughing]

You know, Katherine is

a very special woman.

She deserves the best.

Oh, she's more than satisfied

with what she's got.

No, she's not.

What'd you say?

What'd you say?

My serve.

[grunting]

Oh!

- Ooh!

- Ooh.

[groans]

Sorry, that was an accident.

Ah, you're okay.

Just, uh, walk it off.

[groans]

[laughing]

[sneezes]

[whirring]

[creaking]

[dog barking in distance]

[thudding]

Oh, Jesus.

[Russian accent] Transfers you

the greetings, my love!

[dog panting]

What the hell is she doing here?

- Did you tell her to fly over?

- No, Dave, I didn't.

She must've misunderstood me.

Look, I gotta get out of here.

Just keep here here until, uh...

until I get back.

I don't know how long

that's gonna be.

No problem.

Does she speak English?

Your dog, it likes a stroke.

Okay, we're good.

Don't worry. I come back.

Dave...

good guy.

[loudly]

What do you do in Russia?

I work as the seller-advisor.

To me I like

when people thank if

I in what that have helped them

and on them faces smile.

Listen, do not mess with her.

Hey, buddy, this is your thing.

Now go.

[slaps ass]

Beat it.

To keep our relationship fresh,

we should go out every week,

explore the city,

do different things.

It would be like

a first date each time.

[Lily]

Special night out every week.

I haven't had one in years.

I've earned it. She hasn't.

All right, fine. Give her

the damn special night out.

Just...

Just wait.

I know you wanted

to go out, but...

Alex... it's beautiful.

- Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm gonna go check

on the fillets in the oven.

Fillets? Wow.

Um, why am I not sneezing?

Oh, I de-Tuckerized

the whole place.

Yeah, he's gone for the evening.

There is no CSI

that could find any evidence

of canine DNA in here.

[softly]

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'll be just one sec.

[sniffs]

[sniffs deeply]

[exhales]

Hmm.

It's from California.

Heaven. How did you find that?

I have my ways.

I don't know

how you pulled this off.

[clattering]

- [dog barking in distance]

- What's that?

Holy sh*t.

What's going on?

No, no, no. Anastasiya.

Go. Back. Dave. Now.

I come to here.

Alex tell me.

- Do you know this girl?

- No, absolutely not.

But you know her name.

Okay, I kind of know her.

Are you having an affair?

Oh, my God, no. No.

I was hurt after

you gave me the list.

I went online just to talk

to somebody.

- She's from Russia.

- I'm from Russia.

I never told her to come.

- He said come.

- No, I didn't say that.

[speaks Russian]

I don't understand

what you're saying,

but you need to get your ass out

of here before I mess you up.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

- [gasps] What! Stop!

- B*tch!

- Hey!

Russian girl. Think you're trying

to find an American husband.

- Baby, what are you doing?

- Why aren't you protecting me

- from this lunatic?

- I am. Just...

- Get out of here. Now.

- But you said come.

- Dave.

- Alex, what...

[shouting in Russian]

So sorry about that.

[Katherine panting]

Okay. I know that was...

weird.

A Russian off the Internet?

How tacky.

I told you,

it was a mistake.

All right? I'm an idiot.

Katherine, look,

I'm doing the best I can

with this stupid list thing.

In fact, I'm pretty sure

no other guy in the world

would put himself through this.

You know, I went against

all of my instincts

as a man to please you.

Oh, stupid list?

You know who inspired

that stupid list?

Your good old friend

you can't seem to live without.

Remember my little bedroom talk

with Lily?

You nailed it. What a wonderful

special night out.

[Lily] I didn't tell her

to give you the list.

Okay? I told her that you have

to know what you want in a man

and maybe write it down.

Well, that's great.

So you were

the inspiration then.

Okay, yes!

Yes, I was the inspiration,

- if you want to look at it that way.

- Great.

I was just trying to help you get

moving 'cause you just sit there.

- You never make a decision.

- Stop acting like you're my mom.

- Stop interfering.

- You need me to interfere.

Oh God.

Oh, I'm sorry, Alex.

I'm sorry.

God, I just can't keep

my mouth shut.

And I do interfere.

It's pathological.

I can't help myself.

Oh God.

It's just that

it's too much fun interfering.

It makes me feel like

I'm part of it.

Now I f***ed up your future

with the perfect girl.

No, no. No, no, you did not.

She put chocolate on you

because of this?

No, the crazy Russian.

The crazy Russian,

she flew in here,

found my address,

I don't know how.

She scared the crap out of me.

Uh, Dave was supposed

to be watching her,

but she just burst in the middle

of the dinner with Katherine,

starts demolishing the place,

and rubs chocolate

on both of us.

And now Katherine thinks I've been

having an affair with this girl.

- [Alex] It's not...

- [both laughing]

That's the funniest thing ever.

You should see the dress that...

I want to know exactly

what's so funny,

but I already took my pill.

So, Lily, come to bed.

And, Alex, you'll stay

in the guest room.

Okay.

Good night, honey.

[both laughing]

[shushing]

It's pancake day.

Okay.

This Russian sounds wild.

- Oof.

- I wanna hear every detail.

But, Alex...

I think under the circumstances,

everything is fair game now.

Who knows

about Katherine, right?

Who knows what the hell

she's doing.

If I were you, I would take

a look at this Russian.

[Russian accent]

A good look.

[laughing]

Test the waters.

For 28 years,

I am living with Mama.

She works in an agriculture.

She looks after birds.

From what you become happy?

What to give

to your face a smile?

Alex, tell to me.

Uh...

dogs.

I love for them!

[classical music playing]

[indistinct conversations]

Have you ever been in love?

Many times.

But with each relationship,

your idea of love changes.

And I think that's a good thing.

I will have

the chicken parmigiano.

That-That's not Italian.

Of course it is.

[Italian accent]

Chicken parmigiano.

[both chuckle]

Uh, no, I mean,

an Italian would never take

a chicken, fry it,

and put a lot of sauce

and melted cheese on it.

That's just not

an Italian dish.

It is to me.

I think it's delicious.

It's our best-selling dish, sir.

Well...

I wouldn't order it.

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