Alex & The List Page #6

I'm sure there's

better things on this menu.

Wh-Where's your chef from?

Seems like Northern Italy.

He's from Mexico.

So this is American food?

In that case,

I will have, um,

New York strip, medium rare.

Chicken parmigiano.

[Katherine clears throat]

I'm sorry, Katherine,

but in Italy...

I know, everything in Italy

is superior.

Guess we're not as persnickety

about our food

because we're so busy

being a superpower.

For example, in America,

we do not take a nap

from 2 to 4 p.m.

because we think it's lazy

and bad for business.

By the way, how are

the eyeglasses selling?

You're upset because

it didn't work out with Alex.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I know you, Katherine.

You're a woman

who needs to experience

the best in life.

And I can give you this.

I am never getting married.

I made that choice

a long time ago.

Makes my life a lot easier.

I'm gonna pawn it.

You'll regret it.

Antique rings aren't worth

what you think.

Nothing's worth

what you think.

Hey, Alex,

can I tell you something?

The reason you can't go

the distance

with Katherine is that...

well, she expects

more than a dog.

I mean, you love dogs

because it's a one-way street.

You know,

it's unconditional love.

Don't pawn this.

You don't wanna end up like me.

Who is this hot piece of ass

putting holes in my grass?

Katherine.

Welcome to my park.

Uh, she's allergic to dogs.

Well...

then she shouldn't come here.

Let's get you out of here before

your face turns purple and blows up.

Wait, I wanna

show you something.

It's a prescription.

It will reduce my allergy

by 90 percent.

And this you'll like.

There's injections too.

And you can do the honors.

I think you've gotten

very good at that by now.

[chuckles] They already

gave me my first shot,

and-and I think

it's starting to kick in.

Oh, my God.

- It was my grandmother's.

- It's gorgeous.

- [growling]

- [Katherine grunts]

- I kill you, b*tch!

- [Katherine screaming]

- Hey!

- [Katherine] What the hell!

- Hey!

- [Katherine] God, help me!

- Get off of her!

- [shouting in Russian]

Get off of her!

Look!

Stop it! Listen to me!

Stop it!

[Dave] I got her!

I got her! I got her!

Where the hell

have you been, Dave?

I thought you had strict orders to

keep this lunatic under lockdown.

You enjoying this?

Is this making you happy?

Alex just proposed to me,

and you've ruined it.

What a great friend you are.

Oh God, look at

my Louis Vuitton boots.

- Oh, no.

- I'll buy you another pair.

You can't afford them.

You always this much

of a b*tch?

[Anastasiya shouting in Russian]

Nyet! Nyet! [speaks Russian]

Dave, stop!

Just get her out of here!

All right?

I'll talk to you later.

I gotta deal with this.

Go! Get her out of here!

[shouting in Russian]

This is bullshit!

Oh. Okay. It's okay.

We got it.

- All right.

- Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't put that on.

[panting]

I'm not a b*tch.

[laughing]

Oh, no.

[Anastasiya moaning]

My God is alive,

and I believe that

he would see me through this.

And I would surprise you

when I'm out of you

to let you know that

you just messed yourself up,

not me.

I worry for you.

Much luck.

Alex, people judge you

by the friends you keep.

[Alex] Uh, it's "Replace male

friend who is a bad influence."

[Dave]

You mean me?

Uh, f*** her.

Honey,

you know I can't possibly

stay for this,

but Gary will be right here.

Look how beautiful it is.

- Hmm.

- No smell, no...

no residue of anything.

Hmm.

My mom went crazy.

She loved it.

My dad was so impressed.

I'll be right outside.

Okay.

I really need to talk to you.

Can it wait?

Of course.

Word of advice.

Stay soft.

- Okay, Gary.

- [door opening]

It's from the waist down.

Oh.

Ah, sit, sit, sit.

- It's all right.

- [Alex] Okay.

Not to worry.

I'm going to numb

the coronal skin

around the head

of your penis.

If you become erect,

it's perfectly normal.

One prick and we're all done.

Oh, uh... Hmm...

[clears throat]

[exhales forcefully]

[mutters]

My parents having sex.

My grandparents are having sex.

My parents are having sex

with my grandparents.

[thuds]

Did it hurt?

No, the mohel had, uh...

good hands.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Gary passed out.

[Gary retching]

Alex.

It's too late.

I'm a Jew.

Not quite yet, Shlomo.

Jesus! I have

to call you Shlomo?

It's my new second middle name.

[scoffs]

I need a drink.

[Katherine] Forget the cliche

of drinking with friends.

Pairing wine with food

and all that crap.

It's the sensual part of liquor.

Like being kissed.

That first sip rushes

to your thighs,

the warm release of pleasure,

and suddenly everything is okay.

I wanna share that with you.

[woman laughing]

[jazz music playing]

The main purpose of alcohol...

it's your lifeline.

It will help you

through anything.

Marriage, children,

work... women.

Scotch is the most

important drink.

If you're out with a coworker,

you order scotch. Neat.

Doesn't matter what kind.

If you're with a boss or client,

you ask for a Macallan 12.

Let me show you the difference.

[sighs]

Oh.

Now...

the Macallan.

Smooth.

You have a good palate.

[slurping]

Mmm.

I do feel that in my thighs.

She was right.

That's a saketini, cosmopolitan,

lemon drop, pomegranate martini.

- Hmm.

- All these drinks are pretty...

gay.

But for some reason,

women love it.

[sighs]

You know what my favorite part

of the day is?

Picking Nicky up from school.

There's this moment

where he comes

out of the classroom,

he runs over

and gives me that hug...

Hey. Hey.

It's my kid.

You can't poach

another man's family, Alex.

Go get your own.

I am.

I proposed to Katherine.

Bullshit.

I gave her a ring

with dog sh*t on it.

Good job.

Because you were starting

to piss me off.

Every time I open the door,

there you are,

on my couch, eating my food,

showing Nicky how cool you are

with the boxing and the magic.

But this is great.

Yeah.

Let's drink to Katherine.

Thank you, God, for Katherine.

[bottles clink]

[panting]

So...

you're Jewish,

a drinker, and getting married.

I guess so.

Well, who's gonna be

your best man?

- Me?

- [both laugh]

Uh, I don't know. I haven't

really thought about it.

Well, you better start.

Because now is when it starts

to get really fun.

All the attention

is gonna be on you.

I'm glad

I was the inspiration

for Katherine's list.

[chuckling]

I love you.

[both laughing]

- [Alex] It's gonna be okay.

- Yeah.

Really fun.

- Yeah.

- Just like you said.

I promise.

Hey, bud. You ready?

Yeah.

Be careful with my boy.

Okay.

[door opens]

[door closes]

It's like being in the cockpit

of your own fighter jet.

It's sleek

and technically advanced

with ultimate power

at your fingertips.

Once you feel that torque,

you will never go back.

You and Tucker deserve that.

It's respect on the road.

People will think twice

before messing with you.

That's the real beauty.

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