Alex Strangelove

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The great white shark,

a vicious predator...

ruled by instinct.

Jordan Kovalenko,

star running back and vicious predator...

ruled by instinct.

The Roseate Spoonbill,

at first sight a bit strange,

but then she spreads her wings

and becomes the picture of elegance.

Molly Ellington Kent,

pure, bespectacled,

eighth-grade awkwardness.

But on the first day of ninth grade,

Molly spread her wings and took flight.

And the males of her species took notice.

The peacock spider.

He flashes his colorful abdomen

to attract the females.

Owen Sheridan.

He flashes his colors in order to...

Well, you know, you get the message.

When it comes to mating,

I'm not really sure

what kind of animal I am,

mostly because, well,

I haven't had sex yet.

I'm not opposed to it,

I just haven't found the right girl.

Maybe that means I'm a penguin guy.

They're sweet, a little awkward,

and they mate for life,

which I think is kind of romantic.

I've always been a romantic.

My guy friends are definitely

a bunch of horny monkeys.

Proboscis monkeys, to be exact.

Goofy, rowdy, and obsessed

with the size of their...

uh, noses.

So to be clear,none of us are winning

any football trophies,

but we're not totally D-list.

In fact...

The next president of Buchanan High is...

Alex Truelove.

Yeah, that's my actual last name.

I've taken plenty of sh*t for it

over the years.

Eventually I owned it

and used it for political gain.

But it hasn't done much

to help me with girls.

I mean, who'd want to go out

with a cephalopod-obsessed,

Type A wildlife nerd?

Don't be dangling this

out of some damn window.

This is a $1,200 piece of equipment.

If you bust it doing something stupid,

I'll take it out of your deposit.

Okay?

Okay, great.

So now let's talk about batteries.

Everybody's favorite subject, right?

- These batteries. Run the battery down...

- Excuse me.

Sorry for spying.

Is that a blue-ringed octopus?

Wow.

You know your cephalopods.

So please, I beg you...

I want you...

Always take the lens cap

off the lens.

...to be my video production partner.

- Oh.

- If you don't already have one.

Truelove?

Quit trying to pick up the new girl.

Pay attention.

Thank you.

- Now, my future Fellinis...

- Truelove?

Yeah. You can call me Alex, though.

You can call me

your video production partner.

Partner.

Take the lens cap off...

That was the beginning

of Savage Kingdom High,

hosted by Alex and Claire.

Well, it's mating season

here at Buchanan High.

And just like

a colony of randy African hippos,

the kids are getting it on.

The Piranha Patrol is at it again.

Let's see who survived

the latest social feeding frenzy.

What began as a high school video project,

became a semi-popular web series

dedicated to the savage kingdom

that is the modern American high school.

Here we'll find the library lemurs

camouflaged in their natural habitat.

Follow me.

Look, I've discovered a nest.

It's rare to find so many in one place.

A substantial herd.

Who are the naked mole rats

of Buchanan High?

The answer might surprise you.

Holy sh*t. We already have 28,000 views.

I told you a topless video would kill.

What a weird, pervy world we live in.

What?

Do you want to come

to the homecoming dance with me?

Oh. Um...

I mean, I know it's like

a lame high school ritual,

but, I don't know, we could rig

the Homecoming Queen election

so that you win, and then

we could pour pig's blood on you

and you could burn down the gym

in a telekinetic rage.

Darling.

And the best part is...

we won Homecoming King and Queen!

Does this dress make me look fat?

After that, we went

to every high school dance we could.

But just as friends.

Your chariot awaits.

What's wrong?

My mom is in the hospital.

She's at Harrison Methodist, right?

Aren't they like

a really cutting-edge cancer hospital?

Yeah.

Yeah, so she's in good hands.

I guess.

They're gonna do a bunch of tests.

It just sucks.

Yeah, it sucks.

You look cute, Sid Vicious.

- I'm sorry, I ruined the night.

- No, you didn't ruin anything.

Come on, we can have

our junior prom right here.

It's all good.

Did we just ruin the friendship?

I don't care.

The next day

I went to the aquarium with Claire,

my official girlfriend.

I kept waiting for her to turn and say,

"Just kidding, you're clearly too dorky

to be boyfriend material."

But she never did.

And now...

Senior year.

I think this could be

the girl I'm gonna marry.

As for sex, it hasn't happened yet,

but any day now.

Any day.

First time Kelly kissed a boy

Glow in the dark arrow in the heart

First time Kelly kissed a boy

Hey, hey, hey, dudes,

I have a question for you.

Okay, where is the craziest place

you guys have ever done it?

Like, sexy time.

The back room of Cookie Eclipse.

Like at work?

Yeah, the smell of chocolate chips

was wafting through the air.

Sounds magical. Josh?

Inflatable dragon.

Like one of those bouncy castles?

Inflatable dragon.

That's all I'm gonna say, man.

Wow.

- Hey, boys.

- Hello.

Perfect timing.

I'm collecting some scientific data

for a research project.

Wait, do we have a research project due?

When is that? Is that AP History?

- When is that due?

- Oh my God.

Where is the craziest place

you guys have ever done it?

- Oh.

- Hmm.

That's easy, we have not done it yet.

What? It's true. I've been trying

to de-virginize you for eight months.

You won't let me.

Okay, see you inside.

Wow.

- Guys. Guys, look...

- Dude. Oh, my God.

Dude, you were just like stripped

of your penis before our very eyes.

Balls too.

Ballsack included.

Your dick is gone, though.

Yeah, it dropped right off.

Gone in a poof of dick glitter.

No, we just want it to be special.

Oh my God, you're gay.

- That's very funny.

- No, no, no, really.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It's the 21st century.

Everyone's gay.

Are you gay?

- F*** no!

- Well, neither am I.

Homophobes.

Can't we just get past this whole

horny, teenage boy archetype.

Quite frankly, the idea that it's gay

to think of sex

as something that's meaningful and special

is offensive.

That's the gayest sentence

anyone's ever said, dude.

Okay, so what is it?

Am I gay, or did my dick fall off?

Your dick fell off.

Good luck being gay with no dick.

- May I help you?

- What was that?

What? I was just answering

Dell's question.

No, you weren't.

You totally threw me under the bus.

And not like any bus, like a giant,

hulking tour bus for Beyonc.

- Don't be dramatic.

- I'm not.

But you made me seem

like a prudish, sexophobic freak.

Well, isn't that kind of true?

No.

What?

That is so not true.

- I never wanted to wait until marriage.

- Shh. Okay.

- Not that specifically.

- Well, then what specifically?

Okay.

Why is it every time we're,

you know, like, going at it,

you always put the brakes on

at a certain point?

Well... I don't know.

I just... We've never really talked

about going past that point.

- Maybe we should just go for it.

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