Alex Strangelove Page #2

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- Yeah.

You know, I mean...

- I'd like to.

- Yeah, I know. Me too.

Okay, so when?

Let's get a hotel room.

- What?

- Let's do it.

Let's get a hotel roomnext week.

Deal?

Okay, I don't think

you're supposed to shake on this.

- Okay. Deal.

- Okay.

I'm gonna sex you so good

you wont know what time it is.

Wow.

- I like that.

- Yeah?

I'm gonna sex you like a tornado on fire.

Nice.

I'm gonna sex you

like a gorilla would sex his...

fuzzy, furry gorilla...

life mate.

- You should workshop that one.

- Yeah, it's not as good.

The Golgi apparatus is responsible

for the manufacturing and shipping

of the molecules produced by,

and synthesized in,

the endoplasmic reticulum.

But the most amazing thing

about all of this...

is Alex Truelove

is going to have sex next week.

What?

Hot...

sweaty...

ass-slapping intercourse...

of a sexual kind.

Just try not to f*** it up.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, read pages 121 through 140

for tomorrow, guys.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Okay?

I found my dick.

I'll be the judge of that.

Not that it's any of your business,

but Claire and I talked

and we're planning

a little date next week.

A consummation, if you will.

"Consummation"? Are you my grandma?

- I need your help.

- It's called "bumping uglies," Alex.

Your sister's help.

Or "vaginal humping"

if you want to get technical.

- Dell!

- What?

I need Hillary to book me a hotel room.

You predator.

You have to be over 18 to book a room.

- So get Josh to do it. He's 18.

- What?

No, no. I want to keep this

under the radar.

Is she still in town?

Oh, she's in town

for the foreseeable future.

Fun fact, she got kicked out

of Northside Community College,

- if you can believe that.

- Okay, will you talk to her, please?

Since it's for a good cause. Yeah! Yeah!

- Yeah! Yeah!

- Oh!

Yeah, congratulations, Truelove.

You will be a man soon.

Well, that makes one of you.

Okay, sidebar. Sophie Hicks.

Ooh, baby

Do you know what that's worth?

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

They say in heaven love comes first

We'll make heaven a place on earth

Dell has had a mad crush

on Sophie Hicks since elementary school.

In the sixth grade,

he thought it'd be a brilliant move

to take some 11-year old beefcake selfies

and send them to her for Valentine's Day.

Of course, Sophie couldn't keep

a treasure like that to herself,

and it wasn't long

before the entire sixth grade

was enjoying Dell's photo shoot.

Thus branding him "Delgado Beanpolio"

for the rest of his life.

But he didn't care.

Dell has always been an optimist.

Sophie Hicks.

You know you love me.

Yeah, let me sleep on that one.

Are you inviting me to sleep with you?

Sophie, that's so forward.

In another dimension, Delgado.

Another dimension.

A man can dream.

So, I'm thinking

we go full Great Gatsby for prom.

Some hardcore Jay and Daisy action.

What do you think?

Hello?

Condoms.

What?

I don't have any condoms,

so we should stop off at the Rite Aid

before we do the whole hotel thing.

Oh, God, Alex,

please do not freak out about this.

I'm not freaking out.

Yes, you are. I know you.

You will stress out and get all uptight

and scrunch up your face,

just like you are doing right now.

You shouldn't worry so much.

It's not sexy.

Excuse me? I'm plenty sexy.

Wow, what a... what a crazy party.

You're awesome.

Yes.

Has anyone ever told you

that you have beautiful breasts?

So perky and well-proportioned.

You should take off your bra.

Oh, you want me to take off your bra?

Okay.

Oh, nice.

Boobies.

Mmm.

Does that feel good?

Do you like that?

I want to throw caution to the wind

and make sweet love to you.

Long and sensuous.

I want to slide my hard cock

into your wet p*ssy.

- Alex?

- What? What?

Claire's here.

Great.

Who were you talking to?

No one. Myself.

My monkey.

Okay.

Hey!

Okay, so Dell does not know

that it's a Drama party.

So don't tell him anything.

What's up? What's going on?

I got in.

To Columbia?

Oh, my God. That's awesome.

Congratulations. Amazing.

You got into Columbia?

Ron, Claire got into Columbia.

- Congrats, Claire.

- Thanks.

So when the hell

are you gonna hear from Columbia?

He's gonna get in. I applied early.

That's the only reason I heard.

You sent in the essay about Scout camp?

Nope, I sent the one

about the autistic kid at the rec center.

Ooh, that's good. Autism is good.

I'm sure you're in.

It's a good thing we have autistic kids

to help us get into college.

Okay, Mr. Sarcasm.

You'll be whistling a different tune

when you and Claire are walking across

the Columbia quad together next fall.

Dad, just don't jinx it, okay?

I'm stressed out enough already.

Okay. Well, we are very proud

of you, Claire.

Oh, thanks.

I can't wait to visit you two on campus.

Shut up, Dell.

I don't even know if I got in.

And Claire, FYI, I will be trying

to hook up with your roommate.

So, let's just try

and get that out in the open

so no one's uncomfortable later.

Okay, duly noted, Dell.

Willkommen!

Wait, is this a Drama party?

- Hey.

- Hi.

Here. You're welcome too, my boy.

Hi!

You were so good!

You're killing me. You're so good.

You sure you don't want

anything stronger to drink?

We're completely surrounded by Drama kids.

This is Amaro,

the Italian digestif, my friend.

- What do you have against Drama kids?

- They only have sh*t like "Amaro"

to drink at a party.

Trust me, it's strong.

That's why I'm sipping it.

One day, Truelove,

I'm gonna get you freakin' hammered

on good old-fashioned beer,

and then you'll realize that cutting loose

is actually fun.

Acting dumb and puking your guts out

sure sounds like a lot of fun to me.

Don't knock it till you tried it.

Greetings, Buchanan Drama geeks.

This party is about to begin.

Please tell me you brought me beer.

Beer?

Where we're going, we don't need beer.

It's a frog.

It's the Guyana banana leaf toad.

Wait. That's an extremely rare species.

Hell yeah. Do you know how hard it was

to get one over the internet?

You smuggled an illegal exotic animal

into the country?

Illegal, exotic,

and highly psychoactive, baby.

I owe you and Claire a huge thank you

for your weird-ass videos.

Otherwise, I wouldn't even know

that this guy exists.

So...

Who's first?

No.

No way, we're not licking this frog.

Oh, we are so licking this frog.

Dell, wait, that is dangerous,

and toxic, and...

And delicious.

All right, I can't watch this.

I gotta go pee.

Sh*t.

What happened?

Uh...

You lost the frog?

You... you dumb sh*t!

God help us.

Shut the door.

Shut it.

Sorry to be so gruff, but honestly,

I don't want to advertise this

to the entire world, okay?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Come on, join the cool kids.

Hey.

- Do you guys go to Buchanan?

- No.

Actually, I go to Northridge

and I met Sophie at drama camp.

He doesn't even go to high school.

Yeah, I'm a juvenile delinquent.

Really?

No. I graduated last year.

Tragically, she's still got

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