Alex Strangelove Page #3

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one more year to endure.

Yeah, that's why I'm getting stoned.

Okay.

Elliot.

Alex.

Gretchen.

Yeah! Hey!

I think we're here to corrupt you, Alex.

He's gone.

He's totally f***ing gone, Dell.

Don't yell at me, man.

It was a slippery little sh*t.

You owe me $1,100 bucks.

I'd be more concerned

about the environmental catastrophe

when that thing breeds.

That's not funny, dude.

Help me look.

Have you looked

next to the singing garden hose?

What are you talking about?

I, uh... yeah.

I think I'm going to go inside

and get a drink of water.

What is this weird vendetta that you have

against the cheerleaders at our school?

The cheerleaders at our school

phone it in.

I mean, if they were more

like the competition cheerleaders

that actually did gymnastics

and had real skills

and smiled so wide

that they looked psychotic,

I'd totally be into it.

- Okay, fine, you have a point.

- I definitely have a point.

Every time we have an argument, I'm right.

So the sooner you accept that,

the better our relationship will be.

- Okay. Kiss and make up.

- Yeah.

Aww, you guys are the cutest couple.

Mmm, I think so.

If only Elliot were straight.

- Shut up.

- Or bi...

Or poly.

Then at least I'd have a chance.

What's "poly"?

It's some new thing kids at our school

are experimenting with.

Polyamory.

Everyone except this one.

But, alas...

Sorry, wrong room.

Don't be silly.

- Come join us, kind knave.

- No, no, really, I...

Oh, hush. Oh, hush, hush, hush, hush.

We're gonna play Sound Ball.

Sweet, gentle Jesus.

You guys live together?

Uh, yeah, my dad sort of flipped

about the whole gay thing, so...

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, yeah, I mean, it wasn't a surprise.

He's kind of a redneck.

Plus, I posted a coming out video

on YouTube,

which did not help my case.

Did he kick you out?

It was a mutual decision.

Besides, I graduated, so...

Time for me to spread my wings, right?

And lucky for me, Gretchen has, like,

the coolest parents known to man.

Elliot can cook,

so we're totally keeping him.

And last week, he made this...

kick-ass osso buco.

I'm not even sure I know what that is.

It's really f***ing good.

Oh. Oh, God, no. Please, no.

No, no.

Remember me, b*tch?

I'm sorry.

God, he's good.

I don't know him. Was he in Pippin?

So, mister fancy class president Alex,

What are your craziest hopes and dreams?

Oh, I don't know how crazy they are.

Go to Columbia next year,

major in Marine Biology,

get married at some point, have kids.

Maybe move out west to...

Seattle, Arizona...

Wow.

You've got the whole thing all mapped out.

Yeah. What can I say? I'm a planner.

Alex.

Worms.

Eat us.

Eat us.

Delicious worms.

National Geographic photographer.

Hm?

Crazy hopes and dreams.

I guess.

I tell people marine biologist because...

because it sounds lucrative, but...

really, I just want to take pictures

of animals.

It's pretty nerdy, I guess.

- Okay, what's your favorite animal?

- Proboscis monkey.

- They live in the mango groves of Borneo.

- Wow.

- Yep.

- That's intense.

- Yes. Sorry, I'm a little obsessed.

- That's okay.

I like a guy with strong opinions.

Yeah.

There you are!

You little stoner.

Guys, meet my friend, Claire.

Friend?

Unh-unh.

I am his lover.

We do dirty things together.

Okay, little miss Chatty Cathy.

Sorry, was that TMI? I'm a little buzzed.

It's okay. We totally support

passionate love making.

- Oh, actually, we have not...

- Okay, I think we should go.

Yeah, let's go. Let's go home.

- We should get you home.

- Oh, I'm feeling a little...

- Let me get you home.

- Bye.

Alex, it was nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Bye.

Get away from here!

Okay. Where are we going?

- You're sexy.

- You're sexy.

A sexy...

sex man.

Screw the hotel, let's just do it here.

What? I don't know.

- Get in the tub, b*tch!

- Okay.

Are you serious?

- Is this the right atmosphere for...

- Shh.

- Oh, hello, Dell.

- Hey, Dell.

Hey, you don't look so good, man.

You feeling okay?

When I see your face

There's not a thing

That I would change

It's strangely beautiful.

I want to go home.

I'm sorry.

I did not mean to get so drunk.

That's okay.

You're pretty.

Even when you're sh*t-faced.

Thank you for washing

the gummy-puke off of me.

You're welcome.Thanks for letting me

borrow your sweatshirt.

I...

can't wait to have sex with you.

Mmm.

Me too.

Mmm. Come here.

Mmm.

Is Dell okay?

Yeah, he's just lying in the flower bed.

I think it's the best place for him

right now.

- Who are you texting?

- Oh.

You startled me.

How you feeling, party girl?

You okay?

Better than him, at least.

Who are you texting?

I'm texting that guy Elliot

from the party last night.

We were hanging out in the bedroom.

- The gay kid?

- Yeah.

He's going to this show in Brooklyn,

and has an extra ticket, so...

You know?

Whoa.

Brooklyn.

Look at you, hipster man.

Yeah.

You can come if you want,

but I think he only has one ticket.

I think I've got to lay low today.

But you guys...

rock it out.

Yeah.

And I can tell

When you get nervous

You think being yourself

Means being unworthy

And it's hard to love

With a heart that's hurting

But if you want to go out dancing

I know a place

I know a place we can go

Yeah

Where everyone

Gonna lay down their weapon

Lay down their weapon

Just give me trust

And watch what'll happen

'Cause I know

I know a place we can run

Yeah

Where everyone

Gonna lay down their weapon

Lay down their weapon

Don't you be afraid

Of love and affection

Just lay down your weapon

Lay down your weapon

- Dude, and that haircut? It was legendary.

- Amazing.

And the guitarist girl,

when she was playing

with her hair in her face.

- She was flipping it away.

- No fucks given.

- I've never been to a concert like that.

- Dude, I'm so glad you liked it!

Hey, I've got to say,

I'm glad Gretchen bailed on you tonight.

It was fun.

Actually, I have a confession.

Gretchen was never coming. I said that

'cause I didn't want it to sound weird

- that I invited you out of the blue.

- Oh.

Very sneaky.

So why did you just invite me

out of the blue?

I don't know.

Maybe I like the fact that you're obsessed

with that penis-faced monkey.

It's not penis-faced.

Alex, I looked it up.

- That thing has a cock nose.

- What? No. That's ridiculous.

The real question is,

what does that say about you?

Nothing.

I like other animals too, you know.

I like the octopus.

Excuse me? That's like a penis

eight different times.

It's like an entire creature

made of penises.

- It's like an "octo-cock."

- Maybe you just like reading into things.

Maybe.

So, I have a girlfriend.

I know.

I met her. She's adorable.

She is.She is.

Are you in love?

Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Definitely.

Have you guys, uh...?

That's not... That's private.

Come on, whatm are you a Mormon?

- No.

- Okay. So?

Well, if you...

- If you must know, we haven't quite...

- I knew it.

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