Alex Strangelove Page #4

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But we're going to.

I booked a hotel room next week, so...

Yeah, something like that.

- Yeah.

- You're not nervous at all? Like, at all?

No.

I'm freaking stoked.

I'm totally, totally stoked and thrilled.

I can't wait.

I wish it was happening tonight.

I don't believe you.

All right, well,

perhaps I am a little bit...

- terrified of the whole thing.

- Yeah.

- Thought so.

- I...

I know I'm not like mister alpha male guy.

I'm listening.

I love Claire.

I really do.

- Yeah, but do you want to rock her body?

- Yes. I would like to.

I would very much like to rock her body.

Okay, then go forth and conquer.

Just here's the thing.

I'm a virgin.

What? No.

But Claire isn't. None of them are.

What do you mean? Are you saying

no girls in high school are virgins?

No. I'm saying that girls know their sh*t.

You know, they have websites

dedicated to their vaginas.

They Snapchat their bazongas

with their friends.

Bazongas?

They shoot gnarly sex videos

with their boyfriends,

and then post them online.

They watch Game of Thrones.

Okay, you might have a point.

I'm just... I'm worried

that I'm not gonna measure up.

What? Dude, Alex, you can't worry

about that stuff.

I do, I worry about that kind of stuff

all the time.

You know, what if I'm not as good

as her last boyfriend?

Or what if I can't find the, um...

You know, the frigging...

- The little...

- Clitoris.

The clitoris. Yes.

See, I can't remember the name of it.

You know, I'm like totally

not an expert on this, um,

but I've found that...

when you are in the moment,

things just fall into place,

and it just happens.

You shouldn't worry so much, Alex.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

So, wait, you've slept with girls?

I tried. It never really worked out.

Right. But you said everything

just fell into place.

Yeah, with guys.

I mean, that's how I knew I was gay.

Right.

Right. But how did you... how did you,

like, know you were gay,

and not bi or something like that?

How do you know you're straight?

I don't know. I guess I just knew.

I guess.

You guess?

Yeah. I don't know.

You're a dork.

- I'm not a dork.

- Yes, you are.

A dork is what you call a whale's penis.

That's the term for it.

And the shitty thing is,

guys like my dad,

they're giving Jesus a bad name, okay?

Because from all that I know,

Jesus was amazing.

I mean, I don't know,

he helped out the poor and sick, okay,

he loves you unconditionally...

I just think all those kids

with their WWJD wristbands

need to ask themselves,

"What would Jesus actually do?"

Call me a "f*ggot loser"?

Did your dad call you that?

It's not really worth getting into.

What I don't get is...

how do you know

if you're like a good person?

I feel like if you're asking yourself

that question,

you're probably a good person.

At least you're trying.

You're a smart kid, Alex.

Mm-hmm. 3.94 GPA.

I don't mean like that, you nerd.

I mean, like...

that you're insightful.

I don't know.

Most of the time

I just feel like I'm confused.

Maybe you think I'm insightful

because you're special.

- Special Ed

- Rude.

Ooh, cat-like reflexes.

- That was good.

- Oh!

You're strong.

All right, you win, you win.

Well, um...

I guess, like, I should be...

"on the road," as they say.

As who says? Willie Nelson?

Yeah, Willie Nelson.

That was really great.

Shhh. Shh.

Don't ruin the song.

Now your sad eyes reveal

Just how badly you feel

'Cause there is no

Easy way down

The view from the cliffs

Must have been exciting

Wow.

And up to the peaks...

I want you to know something.

You were bound

What?

There's a girl on your front porch.

Wow. That would be...

- That would be Claire.

- I thought so.

- She just came out of your house.

- Gee. This is...

This is...

It was a pleasure hanging out with you.

Yes. Nice doing business with you.

Perhaps we can hang out again.

Perhaps we could.Perhaps we could.

- Thank you for the ride.

- Yeah, sure.

- Uh, text me...

- Bye-bye.

...some time.

Jesus, how long you been out here?

Not long.

- Did you guys have fun?

- Uh, yeah, it was fine.

You were gone a long time.

Uh...

- Yeah, we got some food after the show.

- How romantic.

- Not really.

- Did you guys make out?

What? No?

Why would you say that?

Calm down, I was joking.

I like you. I like girls.

I want to sleep with girls,

you in particular.

That's a relief.

Geez, I can't wait to sleep with you.

What is your problem?

Nothing, but it's midnight and you show up

here like this crazy stalker person.

Excuse me?

I can't have one night to myself?

Okay.

I don't know what your deal is,

but you're acting like an a**hole,

so I'm gonna go.

- Claire...

- And just for the record,

I was with my mom at the hospital tonight.

She's okay, but I got really depressed

hanging out there,

so I thought I'd come here.

Big mistake.

Claire...

You know, it's not always about you, Alex.

Claire.

Okay...

Hi, interweb.

No new episodes

of Savage Kingdom High today.

In fact...

I'm alone, because...

frankly, my counterpart

is on my sh*t list.

Can someone please explain

modern high school boys to me?

They are so...

oversensitive,

and high-strung, and selfish,

and just like rude.

My mom made me watch this old movie

the other day,Sixteen Candles,

and in it, themain girl

is in love with a senior, Jake.

And Jake is hot. Like hot, hot.

And he's kind of a tool, but he's...

sweet and dumb,

and I'm like, "Yes, that is what I want.

I want a Jake."

I mean, Alex is...

straight A's, class president,

pretty decent dresser,

like perfect boyfriend on paper,

but he is more high-maintenance

than all of my girlfriends put together.

And it's not like he...

Oh my God, Mom.

Sorry, I just...

I may not be the best person

for relationship advice.

Clearly, your father would agree.

But my sense is

that Alex is a pretty decent guy.

It's just, sometimes he acts like...

he's stuck in a marriage.

You know?

Like I'm constricting him,

and all he wants to do is hang out

with his dumbass friends.

Sounds like a teenage boy to me.

Teenage boys suck.

That they do.

But so do college boys

and middle-aged men.

Old guys are okay, I guess,

except for the...

cranky, racist ones.

Maybe I should become a lesbian.

Believe me, I've thought about it.

So, what do I do?

Just forgive Alex for being a dick

and move on?

Or you could stay mad.

But what I do know is...

we're not gonna be on this earth forever.

And...

being angry is an exhausting way

to spend your day.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Oh, I heard what you were saying

about Jake in Sixteen Candles.

You'd be bored with a Jake.

You're too smart.

Whoa.

Okay.

Gay Flakes.

Heter O's. Gay Flakes.

Bi.

I'm bisexual.

- Say what?

- I'm bisexual. I think I'm bisexual.

- No, you're not.

- What?

You're panicking, dude.

You're wigging out about the hotel,

and you're trying to come up

with an excuse to cancel it.

No, I'm just taking advantage

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