Alex Strangelove Page #5

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of all the options available.

Do you listen to Panic! at the Disco

while jerking off to pictures of vampires?

What? No.

Then you're not bisexual.

I...

It's just that there's this guy...

who I'm pretty sure has a crush on me,

and I guess I'm not...

- repulsed by the idea.

- Hm.

I see.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

- Aah!

- Oh, Jesus, dude.

- Is this what you want, Alex?

- No, not at all!

Oh, really? That's not what I was

hearing a minute ago.

You say you're into cock?

Well, here you go.

The finest specimen at Buchanan High.

Oh, pay this no mind, ladies.

I'm just proving a little point

to your student body president.

I'm not interested in your junk.

Put it away.

Oh, but I thought you were bi.

I'm not interested in your junk.

Your junk.

- Zip it up.

- I am.

See my point, Truelove?

How am I to believe

you're into slurping on nutsack,

when you won't look at mine?

- I'm not into slurping on nutsack.

- Right.

You know why?

Because nutsacks aren't sexy.

Look, it's a confusing time, man.

I mean, everywhere you look,

someone's omnisexual, or...

polyamorous, or gender queer,

or transitioning into God knows what.

And before you know it,

you turn into Sidney.

Hey, Sidney.

Are you into vagina or dick?

I'm attracted to the person.

Whatever the f*** that means.

Sorry, Sydney. I'm sorry.

It's like Mad Max out here.

You know, guys doing guys,

girls doing girls...

not that I object to that.

Girls turning into guys and doing girls

that used to do girls and guys. Aah!

Isn't anyone just plain straight anymore?

Which brings us to you, Alex.

I have a diagnosis.

Geez, I can't wait.

What you have is a man crush on a guy.

And the guy just happens to be gay.

That's how it is.

A man crush on a gay guy.

- Yeah.

- I never really thought of it like that.

And that man crush,

mixed with your epic neurosis

about f***ing your girlfriend

for the first time

is making you say crazy sh*t,

like you're bi.

Yeah, yeah, you could be right.

- Of course I'm right.

- Sure.

Hey, Helen.

- How are you?

- Great.

She's upstairs,

and she's not a happy camper,

so...

don't act like a dumbass.

Roger that.

Maybe?

Do you want to edit the platypus video?

I have to take my mom to an appointment.

Why are you so cool?

I'm serious.

You're a rockstar.

I don't know what I'd do

if my parents were that sick.

Probably not take themfor granted

so much.

Yeah, you would.

I still take my mom for granted

all the time.

I still make her deal

with my stupid teenage drama.

Yeah, you're the worst.

You suck.

Alex...

Maybe this whole hotel idea is stupid.

I mean...

I just don't want you to feel

any pressure whatsoever

to do something you're not ready to do.

Thank you,

but I want to do this.

I'm ready.

Okay, me too.

In fact...

I may talk dirty.

Well, then, I can't wait.

You're so stupid.

Magnum.

- Alex?

- Hey.

Elliot, hey.

- How's it going?

- Great, great.

Just browsing, you know.

Just sort of, um...

You know, uh, getting ideas.

Just checking it out.

Just seeing what options I have.

So, tonight's the night?

No, no, no, no, no, um...

Tomorrow night, so, yeah.

- Extra large?

- Yeah.

Wow, um...

Yeah, maybe a little bit optimistic...

on that one.

Boop.

Why don't you dance with me?

Where are we going?

Nowhere.

You're so goal-oriented.

Why don't you dance with me?

This is crazy. Who is this?

You're joking, right?

Okay, now you are coming to my house,

whether you like it or not.

What? Who is it?

Just a limber girl

Dance this mess around

Round, round, round, round

Oh

Everybody goes to parties

They dance this mess around

They do all sixteen dances

They do the Shu ga loo

Do the Shy Tuna

Do the Camel Walk

Do the Hip O Crit

Oh, hippy, hippy, forward hippy

Hippy, hippy, hippy, hippy shake

Oh, it's time to do 'em right

Hey

So don't that make you feel

A whole lot better, huh?

I say, don't that make you feel

A lot better?

What you say?

Well, I'm just askin'

Ooh

Whoo!

Amazing.

Come here.

Over there?

Yeah, over here.

Do you want to come

like a little bit closer?

So...

Um...

You know, I was thinking about

that monkey of yours...

Oh, Jesus.

- Wow. Uh, that was a nice surprise.

- What am I doing? Why did I do that?

- I'm really sorry.

- Don't apologize.

I should go. I'm gonna go.

- Hey, Alex, just calm down for one minute.

- Calm down?

I have a girlfriend,

who I am supposed tobe

losing my virginity to

in approximately 29 hours.

Wow, this is so not part of the game plan.

Sometimes you need to alter the game plan.

Look, if I led you on or something,

I'm really sorry.

Wait. No, no, no, you kissed me.

Yeah, like you didn't want me to?

"Ooh, Alex, let's go for a drive.

Oh, Alex, why don't you come to my room,

and I'll do a gay B-52's dance for you.

Oh, Alex, why don't you come

and sit on my bed?"

- Where you kissed me.

- Yeah.

I gave you what you wanted.

Alex...

You are one confused kid, you know that?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What? Alex.

You hear from Columbia yet?

No, you'll be the first to hear when I do.

I still think

you could have gotten into Yale.

Class President, for God's sake.

- Seems silly you didn't even apply.

- Yeah, well, I didn't.

Seems like the only way to guarantee

you won't get in is by not applying.

Ron.

- I'm just saying...

- Mm-hmm. Okay.

- You're shooting yourself in the foot.

- Thanks, Dad, that's super helpful.

Hey. Watch the attitude.

Why don't you get off my back?

Alex.

- What is going on?

- Nothing?

I just... I have

a really big test tomorrow.

In Physics?

Yeah. Physics.

Well, I'm sure you're going to ace it.

- Something's wrong.

- No, nothing's wrong, dude.

- She's been in there forever.

- She's been five minutes.

Oh, here she comes, here she comes.

Okay? So?

- You're all set, you little lovebirds.

- Thank God.

It's room 231.

Checkout is tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.

Just make sure to clean up your mess.

Shut the f*** up, fucktard.

No one thinks you're f***ing funny.

Who asked you, Princess Scabies?

Watch your mouth, cum weasel.

I left a meeting for this. You're welcome.

- Whore's Anonymous?

- Suck my anus.

As much as I love gonorrhea...

Okay, I think we're gonna go.

Oh, my God, Claire,

it was a pleasure meeting you.

Yes, it was.

And Alex, break your legs.

Thanks.

Good luck, my friend.

Whoo!

Now drive me home, woman.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Show me what you're capable of

Show me what you're capable of

Is it love?

Is it love?

Hola.

Ooh.

Holy crap.

What?

Uh...

Sexy, that's what.

I'm glad you approve.

Yeah, yeah, let's get under the covers.

What's this?

A little bubbly refresher

that I swiped from my parents house.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Mmm.

You're so beautiful.

You're not too bad, yourself.

Oh, baby.

Touch my balls.

What?

Uh...

Did you just say "touch my balls?"

Yeah, so?

What?

- I'm sorry.

- I was talking dirty.

I know, I know. It was adorable.

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