Alex Strangelove Page #6

---

It's not supposed to be,

it's supposed to be sexy.

I know, I'm sorry. I've just...

- I've never heard you talk dirty before.

- Well...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um...

Do you...

want me to touch your balls now?

Never mind.

It's not sexy when you say it like that.

Mmm. I'll play with your balls.

I'll also suck your cock.

Oh, okay.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, this ain't so bad.

- What did you say?

- Uh, nothing, nothing.

Okay, let's do it, let's do it.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

- You have a condom?

- Yeah.

Okay.

Hang on a second.

Hold on, hold on.

Crap.

Oh, no, that doesn't sound good.

I might need a second.

That's okay.

The condoms are...

Yeah.

Hey, in the meantime...

why don't I do

a little something-something-something?

Alex.

- Is that in the right general area?

- Yeah.

Oh!

Yeah, right there.

- Oh, ah-ha! That wasn't so hard to find.

- Yeah.

- Okay, stop talking, Alex.

- Don't know why everybody...

Yeah.

- How about if I speed it up a little?

- Don't talk, just do it.

Okay.

- I want you inside of me.

- Okay.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

Semi-ready, if that makes sense.

- Yeah, let me help.

- Okay.

Okay, I'm ready.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Let's do it.

Wow.

We are officially having sex.

Yes. Stop talking.

Kind of weird, huh?

What?

It's kind of weird having sex

with your best friend.

Why is it weird?

Just...

No, it's not weird.

It's just... I just meant

we were friends before, and...

Now we're dating.

Right.

Mmm.

- What's weird about it?

- Nothing.

Nothing, it's not weird.

It's a...

It's a poor choice of words.

Let's just keep going.

You know what? Forget about it.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

You don't seem into this

and I want to know why.

I am into this. I just...

- What?

- We just...

Are you not feeling well?

Are you nervous?

- Are you gay?

- Oh.

The gay card. Nice.

Why is that

the automatic assumption when...?

When you're not into havin sex

with your girlfriend?

Gee, I don't know.

I want to have sex with you.

- You could have fooled me.

- Okay. Fine.

I'm gay. I'm a big gay homo

because I'm smart

and I'm a little neurotic and...

And you don't want to have sex

with your girlfriend.

Why are you so obsessed with sex?

Why is everyone so obsessed with sex?

Have you ever stopped to think

that maybe I like someone else?

No, I...

never stopped to think that.

That came out wrong.

Who is it?

I can't tell you.

Claire.

You have to leave.

- Claire, please.

- Please go.

- Should I just pick...

- Get out of here, Alex!

Hi.

I don't want to bug you, but, um...

you got a letter from Columbia.

Can I be alone, please?

Sure.

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Alex.

Sorry.

Yay or nay to classic streamers for prom?

- Yo.

- Yo.

Hey. What?

Hey, giving me the silent treatment?

So?

So what?

Come on. Don't play dumb, dude.

I think we broke up, actually, so...

- Whoa.

- I'm f***ing over it, Dell.

The whole thing.

F*** sex, f*** love, f*** it all.

I'm... I'm out.

Lost and separated from the herd,

it is just a matter of time

before the baby elephant

dies of starvation.

Whoa, whoa!

F***.

Dell.

So, your brilliant plan

was to stage a home invasion,

with monkey masks,

kidnap me and take me to a frat party?

I advised against the monkey masks.

What? I love the monkey mask.

I figured a little monkey mask action

would shake you

out of your funk, Truelove.

Never thought you'd go all Liam Neeson

and smash my face in.

Wow, jeez, I guess your foolproof plan

had a flaw in it.

What else were we supposed to do?

You never would have come

if we'd just asked you.

- I'm still not gonna come.

- Goddammit, Alex.

Let me give it to you straight.

You are so far up your own ass,

and it's f***ing depressing.

Excuse me?

You're coming with us to this party,

which has booze and slutty girls and...

Booze and slutty girls.

And you're gonna let your little

constipated hair down and enjoy yourself.

In case you forgot, Dell,

I just broke up with my girlfriend.

Okay? So I'm sorry

if I'm not in the "Let's party" mood,

and honestly, I'm really, really sick

and tired of this,

"Let's get you laid, Alex" routine.

I'm not into it.

Whoa, who said anything

about getting you laid, Truelove?

Clearly, that's impossible.

In fact, I never want to hear

about yourflaccid

little micropenis ever again.

I don't give a sh*t if you get laid

or if you don't get laid,

or if you're bisexual, asexual, pansexual,

or if you join f***ing NAMBLA.

And as for Claire,

I'm sorry you broke up.

But it was kind of inevitable.

What do you mean?

Everyone breaks up

when they go to college.

You guys just got a head start on things.

Hey...

I'm sorry to be harsh, dude,

but... but it's the truth, all right?

And... and you know what?

F*** it.

Right now, the only thing

we should be giving a sh*t about

is like having fun before we all go

off to college and forget...

that this is actually

a really great time in our lives.

So, sack up, Truelove,

and meet us out in the car in three.

He has a point.

Right, Josh?

Poor little elephant.

F*** this noise.

We've wasted enough time

on that granny turd.

I'm in.

Get in the car before I kick your dick in.

Now that I'm thinking about it,

Claire has been holding me back.

I can't be with one girl for the rest

of my senior year.

I should be playing the field

with the ladies, plural.

Know what I'm talking about?

Get some notches on the bedpost.

Bust some nut.

- Yeah, let out some population paste.

- Yeah.

Have a cream dream, baby.

Yeah, get some b*tches pregnant.

- Sorry, I was trying something out.

- It's okay.

Oh, my God,

it's the whole nutsack brigade.

Alex, how was

your little hotel f*** festival?

- It could not have gone better.

- Actually, Claire and I broke up.

And now, I'm looking for sluts.

You know of any?

Do I look like your regional pimp?

More like an employee.

Delbert, I'm choking on the vomit

of your hilarity.

- Oh, they have clinics for that, actually.

- Will you guys get a room?

Now I'm choking on vomit.

Let's party!

Oh, yeah!

Come, on baby, come on.

Yeah!

You're sexy.

You are sexy.

You're a sexy little sex kitten.

What are you, like, 12?

No, I am of the legal sex age

in the state.

I looked it up.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You want to see what's upstairs?

F*** yeah.

Frankly, I don't even know why

we bother with high school boys.

I, personally, haven't touched one

since freshman year.

I mean, sure, Alex is maybe smarter

than the average boy,

but he's still just as useless.

I don't get it.

I mean, Alex has always been

weird and shy about sex,

but I never got any sense

that he was interested in anyone else.

Well, something's definitely going on.

We could stalk him.

No question, dolphin. I'd f*** a dolphin.

I'd f*** a unicorn.

No way, it can't be imaginary.

- Why not?

- Why not?

Because then I'd f*** Arwen

from Lord of the Rings.

Dude, Arwen's an elf, not an animal.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes