Alex Strangelove Page #7

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Yeah, you f***ing idiot.

I thought you guys

were gonna try to meet girls.

- We are.

- It's fine, we are.

Yeah, we're just pumping each other up.

You're killing it.

We met so many girls before this.

There were a bunch of them here...

Holy sh*t.

Miss Sophie Hicks.

I'd f*** a cute little

f***ing furry panda bear.

I can't wait either.

I feel like

we really haven't talked in ages.

See you soon, Delbert.

They're at a frat party on Mickley Avenue.

Done.

You're... you're sexy.

I like touching your face.

What?

Nothing.

Can you take your shirt off, please?

Okay.

Whoa! Look at those honkers.

- Honkers?

- Yeah.

Or what, do you prefer "hooters"

or just good old-fashioned "tits"?

You're funny.

You are chewing gum.

Yeah. You want some?

I'm okay.

Okay!

It's lost it's flavor a little bit,

but that's okay.

I want you to f*** me.

Can do.

Oh, yeah? Do you have a condom?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, in my pants.

- Get it.

- Okay, yeah. Sure.

Don't overthink this.

Would Dell overthink this?

No, Dell would say...

Slurp my nutsack.

Shut up, Dell.

- Huh?

- Nothing. Found it.

She'd better be hot

She'd better be

the Mother of f***ing Dragons.

Claire, this is Alex we're talking about.

He and Dell are probably standing

by themselves in a corner,

talking about which Lord of the Rings

character they'd want to have sex with.

So, I'm all, "Fine, b*tch,

go and f*** any dude here.

I don't give a sh*t."

And she's all, "F*** you, I'm going home."

And I'm all, "Adios, slut."

You know what, bro?

I really do love her.

Hey, Dell.

Sophie.

Wow, you made it.

Wow.

Hi.

Oh, Claire Bear. Hey.

Sophie told me

this is where the action is tonight.

Funny, did she?

Sophie did not mention you'd be coming.

Where's Alex?

Man, that's a...

that's a really good question.

I don't really...

No, Claire, I've got to tell you,

I think he's really drunk...

I should go help her look.

See you, Dell.

Yeah.

Right. See you.

- Oh, f*** me, baby.

- I know.

- Oh, f*** me hard.

- I know, I'm trying.

- F*** me!

- Okay, here I go.

Hang on a sec.

Oh, come on, mister class president.

Just a sec. I'm trying.

- Maybe you're getting shy?

- No.

- It's okay.

- No, it's not okay!

You are a hot, sexy chick,

and I'm gonna ejaculate my erect penis

inside your wet vagina if it kills me.

- Excuse me?

- Okay, here we go.

Come on, little penis.

Get in there.

- Hey!

- Come on, little guy.

Jesus, get off me, you creepy weirdo!

Alex?

Claire.

Ever heard of knocking, b*tch?

Shut the door, this isn't a f***ing show.

Claire, wait!

Sierra?

- Dakota?

- You guys know each other?

You said you were going home.

Yeah, well, I decided to take

a little detour, f*** stick.

Well, obviously you guys have

some problems to work out. So...

- What'd you do to my girl, piece of sh*t?

- Not much.

Yeah, she's right,

I could barely get it up, so no big deal.

Wait, I'm naked!

Hey, guys.

- Get out of my way.

- Dakota, stop!

Hey, douchebag.

You want him,

you've got to get through me first.

I'm sorry, Dell. Thank you so much.

You see them jump, babe?

I'm the sh*t.

You're so hot, babe.

No, babe, you're hot as f***.

A Guyana banana leaf toad?

What?

Claire!

Claire!

Claire!

Dell?

What happened?

What do you care?

- Have you seen Claire?

- No.

And if I did see Claire,

why would I tell you?

Dell.

You're an evil person, Sophie Hicks.

Evil, evil, evil.

- Oh, I'm evil?

- Yes.

Yes.

Because I helped my best friend

find her bastard boyfriend?

No. No, you're evil

because you tricked me.

You know

that I've liked you since... forever.

And I know that I'm just a joke to you,

okay? I'm not an idiot.

Girls like you havethis ultimate power

over guys like me.

But it doesn't give you the right

to f*** with my feelings.

It's not cool, Sophie.

- You're right.

- It's not cool.

- I'm sorry, Dell.

- Not cool.

Hey, uh...

I want to show you something.

Oh, you... you kept those.

Of course I did.

I mean, I think they're

the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

I could send you updated versions.

Yeah...

- Let's take it one step at a time.

- Okay.

- Sound good?

- Sounds good.

Yeah.

Claire!

That's Josh's frog.

That's Josh's frog.

Come here.Come here.

No, no, no, no...

Don't jump.

No!

Oh God.

Dude. Oh, my God.

- Alex has a boner.

- Oh, my gosh.

Why do you have a boner, Alex?

I, I... No, I don't.

Are you a fag?

No, I'm not...

Alex has a boner. He's a fag.

Oh, my gosh, yeah.

Where you going, Alex?

Are you gonna cry?

Just let me go!

Oh, he's gonna cry, he's gonna cry.

Alex?

Jesus, what happened to you?

Oh, you know.

Just went for a little swim.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Claire...

I'm gay.

What?

I'm gay.

You called it.

I'm gay.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Claire.

Are you okay?

Hey, honey.

Did you have fun?

Sweetie?

Oh.

I got you.

Let it out.

Oh.

So...

The person you like...

It's a boy?

That kid Elliot?

And, um...

Did you just...

figure all this out?

I guess it's always been there. I just...

had to be honest with myself.

I just couldn't ignore it anymore.

Maybe you're just going through a phase.

No, I thought of that.

But, you know,

I thought I'd grow out of it, and...

thought I'd get over it.

You know...

I thought I'd meet the right girl.

But, uh...

You know, I met the right girl.

Alex, don't people know

who they're attracted to?

I mean...

isn't it just obvious?

It's different when...

When you're gay?

No, it isn't.

My cousin just came out and she's 12.

What are you so scared of?

Losing you.

I love you.

I'm sorry I was such a shitty boyfriend.

No.

No, you're the...

best gay boyfriend a girl could have.

That's funny.

You still want to go to prom with me?

Science and reason will tell us so

The blood in our veins

Are just chemicals

Better believe

I keep my demons to myself

Better believe it's getting harder

Wow, Alex, not bad for a gay guy.

You look beautiful.

I do, don't I?

All right, let's f*** this sh*t up.

Abbie Chevalier already puked

in the picture line.

Awesome.

- I licked the frog.

- He licked the frog.

Dude, tonight?

Yeah, only a little. I mean, just the tip.

It still counts.

- I will be right back.

- Where you going? Where you going?

Secret mission.

I don't get chicks, man.

Secret mission? What the f***?

Don't pretend like you don't know, Sophie.

I know you know.

I'll never tell, Delgado.

Never.

Alex.

Hey.

Hey, stranger.

- Hey.

- I invited him.

I didn't think you'd mind.

No, no, I don't, but...

Look, guys, I knew you'd never do this

yourselves, so here I am...

just passing the baton.

Claire.

I came here with you. You're my date.

I know, but Alex,

you've got to start sooner or later.

And...

I think maybe this is a goodfor me too.

Do you want to dance or something?

No, go dance with your fella.

But save one for me later?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

It's been a while.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I had to figure some stuff out.

And?

And...

Uh...

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