Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Page #3

Like reindeer in the sky

You can fly, you can fly You can fly

Anthony?

I feel like no one understands me.

I do. I get you.

You do?

Yeah. Come on, you're amazing.

Really?

You think I'm amazing?

Honestly, I love you so much.

I love you, too.

I love you more.

No, I love you more.

And don't get me started

on that cute little butt of yours.

What?

What?

Why are you "what" -ing me?

What's your problem?

- Excuse me?

- You know what? You're so annoying.

Why can't you just chill out?

For one second?

You're exhausting.

Are you kidding?

Sorry, Celia. That was my idiot brother.

Celia?

Seriously?

Now she won't pick up!

I'm worried about Alexander.

I mean, of all the years for

everyone to bail on his birthday.

He's been so moody

since I had Trevor and started work.

Don't worry about it. He's 12.

Everybody's moody at that age.

How's he already 12?

I know. Just happened.

That's the problem.

Everything is just happening so fast.

Yeah.

This house is like a train station.

Everyone's coming and going...

and Trevor's first word was "Fommy."

- Maybe I misheard that.

- I don't think you did.

Honey, come on.

I got the kids covered.

I got the house covered.

You're killing it at work.

Things have never been better.

Oh, please.

- Never been better?

- It's true.

Ben...

you've been unemployed

for the past seven months.

Aren't you stressed out?

Yeah. A little bit.

Why aren't you freaking out more?

What good would freaking out do?

Then I'd just be freaked out

and unemployed.

Tomorrow I'm gonna nail that interview.

Big day tomorrow.

It's 12:
01, Melvin.

It's my birthday.

You ever feel alone in the world?

I just wish they understood!

I just wish they knew

what it felt like...

to have a terrible, horrible,

no good, very bad day!

Shouldn't you guys be up?

Who hit snooze?

- What time is it?

- Who hit snooze?

- It's morning. It's morning.

- Okay, okay. Go, go, go.

- I have to take a shower.

- All right. Okay, okay.

All right, okay. All right.

Does anyone know where the diapers are?

I'm in here!

Honey?

Wow! You look terrible. Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

Peter Pan can't have a cold, Dad.

Okay.

Come...

Harsh.

Bro, I gotta take a shower.

I gotta get to school.

Celia won't call me back.

No! No way, not today!

Get out, dude.

Get out!

Why today? This is the worst day! No!

I am so late. Emily?

I'm coming in for a razor, honey.

- Mom!

- Mom!

- Mom, get out!

- I'm sorry!

Sorry. Sorry. I'll wear pants!

Mother!

- Good morning.

- Speak for yourself.

- Dad?

- Yeah!

Trevor's peeing! Where's his diaper?

I'm looking!

There's the birthday boy.

Okay, come here.

Okay, you know what?

I want you to have a great day.

You are the captain of your ship.

Steer your ship with positivity.

Come on!

What is wrong with you people?

Anthony!

Dad, are you okay?

Look, you're older already.

I'm sorry, honey, I have to run.

I have a huge event...

and my foot is killing me.

I'm already late.

Ben, put a diaper on it.

We'll celebrate tonight, okay?

I'm trying.

Emily!

Emily? Emily!

You left the light on

in my car all night.

The battery's dead.

I'm the one who had to rehearse

in a cold car, and now I'm sick!

Peter Pan!

- What happened to your head?

- Ben, we gotta go!

It's a zit. Is it that bad?

You should put a Band-Aid on that.

Ben! We have got to go!

You are my ride. Let's go, people.

Alexander, into the car.

We have got to go!

Everybody, out of the house!

Broom it out!

Get out of your comfort zone.

Push it. Push it.

You miss Bumble Bee, don't you?

Why is Anthony driving?

I feel sick enough as it is.

I need practice for

my driver's test today.

Okay! Then can we at least

change the music, please?

That's good. Leave that!

You like that? Yeah! That's good.

Wonderful.

I can't believe I'm sick.

I cannot believe that

this guy is 12 years old.

Thanks, Dad.

This is not gonna work for me.

You're gonna have to get around there,

make a left on Brookwood.

- There's no room.

- Get aggressive!

We have places to be.

You're doing great.

Mom, do you mind? Please.

What? Because of this morning?

It's not the first time

I've seen your penis, Anthony!

- Mom saw your penis?

- Yep!

I've seen yours too, Alexander.

I've seen every penis in this car!

Every penis.

Come on!

Excuse me, sir!

Excuse me, sir,

in the ironic Mini Cooper!

You're gonna have

to put down the latte...

and move or I am gonna

come and do it for you!

Sir, I am gonna come... Thank you, son.

Easy, hon.

Nice and slow. Nice and slow, sweets.

Gently, gently.

There you go, honey.

Move, move, move.

Go, go, go.

It's okay, baby.

Mom's gotta go. Have a good day.

Do you have lunch money?

- Yes?

- Got it.

Love you.

Mom!

This is not gonna work.

This is not gonna work!

Let's go! Fold in.

Woodwinds, make a window!

Come on! Let's go, kids!

The bell is ringing! Go, march, march!

Move it on in there. Fold in. Hustle!

Excuse me!

Excuse me! Okay, come on!

This day is so cursed.

Everybody move out of the way.

Just move out of the way.

Make a window!

- Go. Here.

- All right.

Goodbye. Take your stuff.

Have a good day, honey!

Here we go, boys.

Celia!

Celia, wait up! What's wrong?

You haven't

answered your phone since last night.

Why do you care?

I thought I was so exhausting.

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to my idiot brother.

- Whatever.

- I tried calling you back!

I really didn't feel

like talking to you.

I just don't think you understand...

the emotional responsibilities

that come from having a girlfriend.

Wait, are you breaking up with me?

What about tonight?

I don't even wanna go.

Sorry. Morning!

Good morning!

Try calling again!

Sorry I'm late.

I had a little car trouble.

My husband had to drop me off.

- What happened?

- This happened!

And not just the cover. No.

15 times throughout the book.

But it must be

some horrible mistake at the printer!

I don't know, Cooper.

You're the one who did the final proof!

We can't have that in a children's book!

We just pulled the plug on publication.

So, that's good.

But we have an even bigger problem.

Celebrity readings. Dick Van Dyke!

I've been calling all morning,

but I can't get through.

Oh no. I will get down there.

I will fix this. I will take care of this!

He won't read it.

You can count on me!

Abby, great. I need to borrow your car.

It's a work emergency.

I ride a bike, actually. It's good

exercise and good for the planet.

Just tell me where it is!

Dude, I've been looking

for you everywhere.

Have you heard about Philip Parker?

I don't wanna hear anything

more about his amazing party.

No. It's canceled.

What?

Yeah! He woke up with chicken pox.

He texted me this picture.

These things are everywhere.

They're even in his butt crack.

So, his party's not on?

No! So everyone's

coming to yours again!

- Really?

- Great, right?

His pox is your gain.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Becky!

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