Alfie

Youre lucky, you know.

l rarely allow anyone into my flat.

I know, I know, I know.

Humble digs.

Not exactly what youd call

a "panty peeler."

Do you know what I mean?

But it suits me just fine.

To be honest, I rarely spend a night

in my own bed anyway.

You see, heres my theory:

For most women, if a guys

a good provider

and generally a nice chap, six-pack

abs really arent a deal-breaker.

On the flip side, however,

even though the PC boyfriend

sat next to you

with his arm slung around

your shoulder will deny it...

And he will deny it. For us boys,

its all about F.B.B.

Face. B*obs. Bum.

Im just being honest.

Its been said that clothes

speak the international language.

And I have to admit,

Im a bit of a fashion whore.

Unfortunately, today Ive got work,

and I have to tone it down a little bit,

but thats all right. Gucci.

End-of-summer sale.

Very understated.

And I can easily spice it up with...

What? No, no. I know

what you are thinking.

If you ooze masculinity,

like some of us do,

you have no reason to fear pink.

Smashing.

Now, in the cologne department,

most men overdo it.

Americans practically spray it on

with a crop-duster.

My rule:
Nothing above the neck,

though I do like a little splash

on Big Ben.

You never know

where the day may take you.

Almost forgot.

New word for the day.

Ostentatious:
The attempt

to attract attention to oneself.

Who? Me?

Oh, blimey. Im so rude.

I havent introduced myself.

- Im...

- Alfie?

There you go. Alfie.

Are you the little elf that left these

mocha bonbons on my doorstep?

No, no, no. You must have

a secret admirer, Mrs Schnitman.

You are such a doll, Alfie.

But Im supposed to be on a diet.

Oh, on a diet?

- A diet.

- You?

- Yeah.

- Now, I dont mean to be forward, Lu,

but you should know by now

that a full-figured girl like yourself

- is every guys secret fantasy.

- Stop it.

So shes a tub of lard.

The ships already sailed,

so why not make her

feel good about herself, right?

- Oh, Lu?

- Yes, angel?

Im working the night spot,

and my apartment is a horror show,

so Im sorry if I keep you up

- with the dust-busting at 2 a. m.

- Oh, dont you worry.

- Ill give it a quick straighten.

- Oh, no, no, you dont need to that.

Nonsense.

I like doing things for you, Alfie.

Im a blessed man

having you in my life.

Thank you.

Keys are in the usual spot.

Now, back home, youre always

hearing tales about some bloke

migrating to the States and winding

up with buckets of money.

So not long ago, l packed up

my bucket and headed west.

Now, I must admit,

I had a second motive.

Id always been told that the most

beautiful women in the world...

...resided in Manhattan.

And when it comes to shagging birds,

its all about one thing:

Location, location, location.

God, l love this city.

All right, girls.

Just look around. l mean,

every one of them, unique, special,

like snowflakes.

And with such a plethora...

Calendar word meaning "abundance,"

of gorgeousness and diversity,

well, how could a man ever choose

to settle down with just one?

I myself subscribe more

to the European philosophy of life.

My priorities leaning towards

wine, women...

Well, actually, thats about it.

Wine and women.

Although, women and women

is always a fun option.

So...

...to live life to the fullest,

I require only enough

to cover my modest expenses.

Ive no desire to be the richest stiff

in the cemetery.

I think this might just be my

favourite position.

I know it was President Kennedys.

He was such a great leader.

Of course, JFK used the old

bad-back excuse,

but if you ask me, he knew

it gave you maximum pleasure

with minimum exertion.

What is it about the back of a limo?

Obligatory cuddling.

Thousand one,

thousand two...

Cripes. Hey, Ive gotta get cracking.

Ive got a 10:
00 pickup.

You better hurry up.

You dont want to keep her waiting.

Quite the number, isnt she?

Yet, she tells me her old man

hasnt shagged her in six months.

Six months. I mean, thank God

there are gentlemen like me around

to pick up the slack.

Just look at her.

Legs like a racehorse.

Perfect yoga bum. I give her

my highest grade:

A-minus.

Where did we tell the old man

we were going tonight?

- A movie.

- Treasure, please, no, no, no.

Stop messing about.

Youll ruin my presets.

- Sorry.

- What movie?

I dont know. Whats the difference?

The difference is, the more detail

you give, the less interested hell be.

It wouldnt matter what I said.

It would never occur to Phil

that another man

- would ever look twice at me.

- Dor, darling,

you fishing for a compliment?

No.

You should know by now they only

come from me when least expected.

Now, come and have a mint so Phil

doesnt smell the Alfie on your breath.

I dont care if he does.

Theres one thing that puts me

off marriage:
Its married women.

Dorie doesnt know it yet,

but you wont be seeing

much more of her.

Ive got that all-too-familiar feeling.

Sooner or later, shell be wanting

a little bit more than Im able to give.

Wouldnt it be great if I was

going home with you tonight

instead of Phil the Pill?

Yeah.

lts definitely time

to stage a disappearing act.

So next Tuesday,

same time, same place?

Im sorry, love, its Fashion Week.

Im booked double shifts.

- Ill call you the instant things let up.

- Okay.

In the meantime, I left you

a little souvenir to remember me by.

Oh, Dor?

Your derrire looks really rather

ravishing from this vantage point.

See?

A compliment when least expected.

What can I say?

Happy as a pup with two tails.

And I think Ive done old Phil

a bit of a favour too.

Of course, hed be the last to see it.

Never expect any thanks in this life.

You know what I mean?

So Tuesday...

...10:
03 p.m.

Do I drag myself home

to a cold flat, empty fridge,

or nip across town for a hot bath,

warm body, breakfast in bed?

Decisions, decisions...

Yeah, l think lll pay a visit

to my semi-regular,

quasi, sort of girlfriend.

My sweet Julie.

Let me guess.

Unexpected last-minute fare.

Yeah. She had me going

up and down for hours.

That supposed to be funny?

Because it is so very...

Not.

Hey!

Im not kidding, Alfie!

Im not kidding. I hate you sometimes.

You have a very ostentatious way

of showing it.

Yeah, I sure do.

No, darling. Can we hit pause?

I just need a second to unwind.

Oh, I nicked half a bottle

of Stoli from the limo.

How do you want yours,

on the rocks?

I just want my usual, Alfie. Straight up.

No, Im so totally knackered.

Ill make it up to you in the morning.

Cross my heart.

But tonight, all Im good for

is a bite to eat, hot bath

and a nice long sleep.

You know, this isnt

a Holiday Inn, Alfie.

Whats that again?

Where were you tonight? Really?

Youve got to open a restaurant.

Thats seriously delicious.

Thanks, Alfie. Its just chilli.

Hey.

A little eye contact, please.

We have something here,

or am I just a glorified booty call?

Hey.

Hey.

Heres what shes really saying:

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes