Alfie Page #2

She wants me to commit.

Translation:
Become domestified.

Now, it doesnt do to become

dependent on anybody in this life.

Change your nature,

youre a dead man.

Chilli, please.

Dont get me wrong.

Shes adorable.

Cute? Absolutely.

But is it ever enough?

I told you how we men are.

We want showstoppers.

And the problem is,

Julie hasnt got enough

of the superficial things

that really matter.

- I dont deserve you.

- Yeah, thats probably true.

Too bad I love you.

Thanks, babe.

- Alfie, Alfie...

- What?

Youre giving me the "Thanks, babe."

Youre giving me the "Thanks, baby."

- Calm down.

- Dont tell me to calm down!

- I know how you feel!

- Wait a minute.

- Youre gonna wake up...

- Max.

Hey, little man. Did we wake you up?

Yes.

Now, lads, learn from my mistake.

Never get involved

with a single mum.

See, they come with accessories,

some of which can be...

...unfortunately, irresistible.

Sights like that make you realize

we all have an expiration date.

And women do have a shorter

shelf life than men, dont they?

I think thats what Julie

was banging on about yesterday.

Elegant Limousine and Chauffeur.

This is where I make

my reasonably honest living.

Standards of elegance has taken

quite a pounding, wouldnt you say?

I know. Believe me,

its merely a stepping stone.

Currently parked on one

of those stepping stones

is my best mate and future

business partner, Marlon.

Black. Like Lonettes skin...

...which I will never again touch.

Im afraid youre not meeting

my man on top form.

See, Marlons got a problem.

lts called Lonette.

And very recently, it dumped him.

Oh, dear. Come on,

what was it this time?

Three a. m. begging, at her front door.

- Level of inebriation?

- Vomiting.

Right. So let me get this straight.

You were at her front door,

begging and vomiting?

And what,

she wasnt charmed by that?

Alfie? Why is there no Stoli

in car number two?

Ive no idea.

I gotta watch this guy like a hawk.

That little chaps name is Wing.

My boss and owner

of this tragic enterprise.

- Wipe that car good.

- Owner, that is, till me and Marlon

swing a loan and buy it out

from underneath his scrawny...

Hello. You miss bird sh*t.

Wing.

Hes barking mad.

Check out the way he talks

to the little woman.

Shes given him her best years,

cooked his chop suey,

helped with the business, and I bet

at one time he couldnt wait

to rip off her kimono.

And now look at him.

And Im supposed to respect

the institution of marriage?

Thats a great figure, man.

We swing that loan,

cash your IRA, I hock my Vespa...

Were gonna take Wing

by surprise with an offer like this.

I couldve predicted this. See,

Marlon and Lonette have reached

that critical 18-month Where are

we going, what are we doing,

whats happening here? crisis point

that rears its ugly head

in every relationship.

Lonette wanted ring, home, baby.

Marlon wanted another 18 months

to make sure nothing better

was coming his way.

I f***ed up egregiously.

I see youre making the most

of that birthday calendar.

By the time he realized hed made

a mistake and he wanted her back...

- ... it was too late.

- Hey, stranger.

Hey.

Carol.

- Carol. Hi, Carol.

- Hi.

You look wonderful.

So, Carol, well, its nice

to see you again. You be well.

Whats up with that?

Put it this way, the show closed

after one performance only.

- Do I even wanna know why?

- No. Come on,

it would be less than discreet

to tell you why.

Hair on the arms. Seriously.

Long, thick...

What are you talking about?

You dont have hair on your arms?

- Youre looking very lovely tonight.

- Thank you.

Dude, the iron door

has slammed shut, man.

Classic, isnt it?

Now that he cant have her,

he thinks he cant live without her.

Some people are funny.

Marlons predicament got me thinking

about my own situation.

Maybe... Maybe it was time

to stoke the home fires.

Anybody in the mood

for a little Alfie, straight up?

Oh, this isnt a good time, Alfie.

Got a lot on my mind.

Oh, God. Yeah, I really hate

when that happens.

Open up, baby.

You look seriously beautiful.

- Not tonight, Alfred.

- Whats the matter? Tell me.

I dont... Im just...

Well, I guess Im... Im just...

Im just seeing red.

I mean, the poor guy, hes dying.

Come on, havent you?

Youve tortured him long enough.

Alfie, he shouldve thought

about all that

before he was screwing around

with that ex-girlfriend of his.

Those fake-ass, $5 titties.

- Those are fake?

- Hello?

Wow, Im devastated.

Theyve got, like...

Alfie, youre supposed to be consoling

my devastation, remember?

I am. Look, he came back, didnt he?

Begging, crawling on his knees,

vomiting...

I dont care.

Im sorry, Im not that easy. I dont

forgive and I definitely do not forget.

- Is okay if I leave now, miss?

- Oh, s, Felix.

And hit the lights on your way out,

por favor.

I better go.

Its really coming down out there.

Yeah.

And Im wearing suede.

Youre telling the truth. Thats brilliant.

Okay. I got one. I never swam

in the Pacific Ocean.

- Me neither.

- Oh, sh*t. Okay.

Okay. Ive never seen

a James Bond movie.

Youre joking.

Not even a Sean Connery?

You serious?

Wow, I dont know

if thats magic or tragic.

Okay. Five ball. My go.

- Ive never made my own bed.

- Oh, bullshit.

No, I repeat, Ive never

made my own bed.

Well, what kind of mama you got?

Thats a good question.

Lets see. All right.

- I got something for you.

- All right.

Ive never had sex...

Ive never had sex

with two people in one night.

Six-five, your favour.

Gotcha.

So, Alfie, whats the most

youve had in one night?

Weve stopped playing the game,

havent we?

Am I wrong, or is there a little

innocent flirting going on here?

Driftin on a memory

Aint no place ld rather be

Than with you

Loving you

See, if I had that kind of talent...

And a song

- Go on, finish your sentence.

- If I had that kind of talent,

and I looked like you...

And a song

- ... I would be strutting my stuff

- Oh, yeah?

on a stage.

Trust me, what happens next

was the furthest thing from my mind

when l dropped by tonight.

But then l thought to myself,

You know what?

lf this will help her get past

her anger towards Marlon,

l owe it to both of them,

as a friend, right?

To do whatever l can to help.

l find that, lately,

even lying to myself comes easily.

The next morning, and l cant

get last night out of my mind.

Try desperately to focus

on something else, anything else.

Anything to get my mind

off my best friends incredibly hot,

best-ass-lve-ever-seen-in-my-life

girlfriend.

Alfie. Alfie.

- Alfie!

- Shall I pretend I cant hear him?

Dude.

- Hey!

- Too late. Too late.

- Dude, would you slow down?

- Hey, Marly, whats up?

Marly?

Hey, listen, I gotta talk to you.

You aint going nowhere

till you tell me

what went down last night.

- Down last night?

- Dude, dont mess with me.

What happened with Lonette?

Have you ever heard

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