Alfie Page #3

the word knock?

- What went down?

- What? Nothing happened.

- We had a few shots.

- Missus give me silent treatment.

Little she know, not hearing constant

blah, blah, blah is gift from heaven.

You keep it up. Keep it up,

mate, itll work.

Alfie, what happened?

Oh, f*** a duck, man. Look, I...

- I drank a lot last night.

- Drunk.

Well, I...

I really... I dont remember.

- Dude, you did something to her.

- No.

Oh, yeah, you did.

Because she shows up at my house,

at 4 in the morning,

saying that she wanted me back.

She even said

that if I needed more time,

that she understood completely.

How f***ing crazy.

Chalk one up for the blokes.

Thanks to me, Marlon won the game.

Which means hes off scot-free,

and so am I.

This is a bloody miracle.

Thats fantastic. Fantastic.

- Come on, what did you say to her?

- Look, look.

- Its all good.

- Come on, what did you say?

I asked her to marry me.

You know youre my best man, right?

Moral of the story:

No good deed goes unpunished.

New word for the day?

Resilience:

The ability to readily recover

after disappointment or loss.

Capacity to spring back.

Understand, its not

about replacing Julie.

l just wanna get back

to the simple life:

Women who mean nothing to me.

So lve struck up a friendship

with a nightclub hostess called Uta.

Hello, Uta.

Now, as a heat-seeking bachelor,

I have to live

by some very simple rules.

Alfie Elkins credo or philosophy,

which is probably best summed up

by the only advice

my father ever gave me.

He said, Son, whenever you

meet a beautiful woman...

...just remember, somewhere theres

a bloke whos sick of shagging her.

- Can I help you, man?

- G and T, please.

Explain to me what everyone sees

in that Eurotrash?

I think its incredibly unfair

that its acceptable for men

to be sexually experimental,

then with a woman,

if she wants to try something...

A kiss or a threesome.

You know, that theyd be judged.

I wouldnt judge them.

And I think if you two were to kiss,

I would... I would just...

I would just see it

as a thing of beauty.

Although lm living every guys

Rat Pack fantasy,

something feels a bit off.

And throwing myself

back into the old lifestyle

isnt going quite as smoothly

as ld hoped.

Sorry.

Im sorry.

You carry on without me.

Oh, my loves, I...

I dont know what happened.

This is so unlike me.

Yeah, you... You two just...

l used to think

there was nothing worse than death.

Then, from out of nowhere...

...the unthinkable.

Now I really dont get

what everyone sees in you.

It just keeps on happening

and happening.

Or more accurately, not happening

and not happening.

This never happens, Uta.

Honestly, never.

Honestly.

Not the word around town...

...peewee.

Mr Elkins? Miranda Kulp.

Miranda.

The penis doctor is a he

with a little bit of she thrown in.

So I understand youre experiencing

some erectile dysfunction.

I am experiencing a little... A little...

A little bit of... What you just said.

Not to worry.

Thats my area of expertise.

So have you been under any unusual

emotional stress lately, Mr Elkins?

Stress? Emotional? Me? No, never.

Well, unless you count

that recent chat I had with Julie.

I cant see you anymore, Alfie.

- Why? You angry?

- No, Im really not angry.

Just, you know,

we want different things.

And I cant have you traipsing

in and out of Maxs life.

Youve changed your hair,

havent you?

You have, havent you?

No, you have.

Youve changed your hairdo.

You cut it?

It looks gorgeous.

- Thanks.

- How come...?

How come you never had it like that

when we were together?

I really gotta go.

Well, I guess...

...you need these back.

Thank you.

Alfie?

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. No worries. Im always okay.

Alrighty, lets take a gander

at that penis of yours.

I see.

Well.

- It seems we have lift-off.

- It seems we do.

Wunderschn.

What a relief.

Well, I mean, if he can give me

a stiffy, I should have no problem

keeping it up for the target

demographic, shouldnt I?

Well, there doesnt appear

to be anything physiologically wrong,

so, in short, we can be

fairly certain your problem

- was simply stress-related.

- Translation:
Julie-related.

Like I always say, if they dont get you

one way, theyll get you another.

However,

- I did feel something a little kooky.

- Kooky?

There is nothing to get upset about,

Mr Elkins.

I thought I felt a lump...

...on your penis.

But with any luck, it will be nothing.

The words lump and penis

in the same sentence.

Theres something

you dont hear every day.

And so young Alfred

got an early Yuletide gift.

A penis biopsy.

I get my test results in three days...

Well, five.

Five counting the weekend.

Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

How am I gonna stop myself

going completely bonkers?

Ill be fine.

Ill be fine.

Im a young man.

Shift focus, Alfie. Shift...

Lets go, kids. Lets go.

Move along, children.

Look straight ahead.

Come on. Do not look at the man.

Look straight ahead.

In the meantime, perhaps Im safer

hobbling on home.

Alfie, dear, whats wrong?

You look like death warmed over.

No, Ive just... Ive got a bit of

a football injury, thats all,

Mrs Schnitman...

Hello, Mrs Liberman.

You two look lovely.

Where you going?

- Shopping. You need anything?

- Im fine.

Hello.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Ladies, this is my friend Lonette.

Shes lovely. Good for you,

dating an African-American.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, girl.I missed you.

Dont mind us. Were not here.

You kids keep talking.

- Very nice to meet you.

- See you, Mrs Liberman.

Shop till you drop, girls.

So how have you been?

Im pregnant.

lt seems to me

the problems you worry yourself

sick about never seem to materialize.

lts the ones that catch you

unexpectedly

on a Wednesday afternoon

that knock you sideways.

l offered to face the music

with her...

...but she wanted to go it alone.

We both knew that if the baby

was born with any white-boy features

it would mean the end

of Lonette and Marlon.

Not to mention your host

for this evening.

But standing in the cold,

l find myself having regrets.

Thinking thoughts like,

Heres another kid youll never

get a chance to know.

Your own.

Didnt take long.

Bloody hell, youre freezing.

How do you feel?

Empty.

That night in the bar, I thought

I was getting something for nothing.

Doesnt seem to have worked out

that way, does it?

Oh, man.

lf everything turns out okay,

maybe this little brush with mortality

is a sign.

l should think about making...

Making some changes.

Possibly.

- Next week.

- Excuse me.

Did I just...? Did you just look at me?

Did I just notice you turn away?

Look, if you know the results

to my tests, and theyre telling you...

- Mr Elkins.

- Please. Please.

Mr Elkins, for the millionth time,

sit down.

Mr Belson, I have a cancellation

on Tuesday at 11:30.

Im gonna be fine.

- I just feel it.

- Thank you. Goodbye.

Ill just be a minute. Or ten.

- Its all right. Take your time.

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