Alfie Page #4

- I dont have a choice.

I used to pee. Now I trickle.

- Im Joe. Whats your name?

- Alfie.

So how you doing, Alfie?

- Hanging in. You?

- Shitty.

Yeah, me too. Me too.

- I like the bolo tie.

- Oh, thanks. I have a collection.

You know, when youre old,

you learn to be patient.

Yeah.

Used to be I never

had time for nothing. Go, go, go.

- I know that feeling.

- Yeah.

My wife was always hawking me

to take a little vacation. Hawaii. Reno.

I always said,

Next year, Evie, next year.

I got too much on my platter.

I always thought

Id have more time.

Then one Sunday night,

she takes the pot roast out of the oven.

Yells, Soups on,

and slumps to the kitchen floor.

Just like that.

Dead as disco.

Jesus, Im sorry.

I tried picking up the pieces.

Even went to Waikiki alone

on the 8-day cruise package

she was always yakking about.

Couldnt get Evie out of my mind.

Theres two things

I learned in life, kid:

You find someone to love,

and live every day

as though it were your last.

Shes all yours, Alfie.

Enjoy.

You all right, son?

Yeah. I hope so.

Look, if you ever get bored

or feel like schmoozing...

...give me a holler.

- Youll never call.

- Maybe I will.

All right, good. Well go to a bar

together, hit on some chicks.

Damn right.

Thanks, Joe.

Hey.

Im sorry about Evie.

We...

...werent all that fond

of each other...

...but we were very close.

- If you know what I mean.

- I think I do.

Ive been thinking a lot lately

about God and death.

And how, if what they taught me

in Bible class is true,

Im really in for it.

But I wont be partying

with Lucifer any time soon,

because my test results

were negative.

Im gonna live! Im gonna live!

I ruined my Prada lace-ups

and I dont care.

Dont think Ive forgotten my oath

to completely change my life,

because I havent.

Carrot-apple with a dash

of wheat grass.

Yep.

Health is now priority number one.

Business plan

moves onto the fast track.

- If you say so...

- Tonights preview at St. Ambrose...

No, I definitely dont want to talk.

Okay, hold on, what else have I got?

Okay, yeah.

All right, if we must, we must, but...

New slate. New beginning.

- Whats your name, driver?

- Alfie, sir.

Wait here, Alfie.

Do you know how long

youre gonna be, roughly?

- You got someplace to go?

- No, I was just gonna nip off

- and get a cup of tea.

- Look, why dont you just stay put.

Yea or nay?

A definite yea, I think. Really.

Stunning.

Wouldnt you say so, sir?

Im sorry, didnt I ask you

to wait by the car?

I reckoned I should help

the lady with her packages.

Definite yea?

I think.

With one minor...

- May I?

- You may.

Adjustment.

Bullfighter. Another lifetime.

Dont ask.

Fifty, if shes a day.

But dont they say 50

is the new 40,

and is she not living proof?

I mean, have a look.

Beautifully preserved.

And cleavage

like the Holland Tunnel.

- Better?

- Much.

You are so right to trust Chanel.

A pair of hot-pink stilettos,

and youre good to go.

- Well, arent you Mr Full-Service?

- We try.

- Hes getting a little pissy, isnt he?

- Oh, its fine. Its good for him.

- Is your husband a lot older than you?

- Hes not my husband.

Hes wearing a wedding ring.

Well, I never said he wasnt

somebody elses husband.

- Grab the stuff from the trunk?

- You got it.

Cheers.

Maam, if you require

my services in the future.

Happy Christmas, sir. Maam.

Now that, my friends,

is a real woman.

Smart and sexy and...

You noticed the little flirt

going on between us, huh?

Makes me think,

if a woman like that,

of that calibre

should take notice

of a bloke like me,

then, perhaps...

Perhaps Im selling myself

a bit short.

ln a flash,

l have my New Years resolution.

Aim higher.

Catastrophic. Doomed.

Desolate. Cataclysmic.

Bought him a word-of-the-day

calendar for Christmas.

Big mistake.

Holiday season,

busiest time of the year.

I try to run a business.

- Whats the problem, Mr Wing?

- Your soul brother.

He quit.

ln the letter Marlon left me,

he called me his best friend...

...but apologized for bailing

on our business scheme.

He said his whole thing now

was to make Lonette happy.

They decided,

on the spur of the moment,

to move upstate,

and l had a standing

invite to drop by any time.

Somehow Lonette

convinced Marlon

it would be too painful

to say our goodbyes in person.

And to make matters worse,

it all dovetails into

the second loneliest night of the year:

Christmas Eve.

A night that brings on all those

familiar festive feelings

of hopelessness,

anguish, despair.

Not a great time to be flying solo.

Thats why Im of the belief

couples should never split up

between Thanksgiving

and January 2nd.

Always have a relationship to see

you through the holidays. Always.

The downside, of course, being gifts.

Personally, Ive always

suspected that everyone else

is having a far merrier

Christmas than I am.

Not that Ive ever actually

had a Christmas.

Thats a whole other Dickens story.

Taxi.

Excuse me.

Im sorry, mate, its against the law

for me to carry any more than...

Thank the Lord.

A Christmas miracle.

All right, hop in.

Thanks for saving us.

I was freezing my little tush off.

No worries. You know,

its pretty full back there.

- Why dont you...

- Good idea.

Why dont I?

Hey, watch the champagne.

All in.

- They dont get out much.

- You wanna watch out, you guys.

Youll end up with a lump of coal

in your stocking.

Youre English.

I love English.

- Whats your name?

- Alfie.

You wanna abuse

a little substance, Alfie?

No, thanks. Im trying to quit.

All right. One hit.

Merry Christmastime

Theres an expression

the Yanks use, Go with the flow.

So, yeah, I got a dose

of the holiday blues.

But when a girl of this mind-blowing

calibre invites you to a party,

its time to get going

and start flowing.

Maybe its the late hour.

Maybe its the heavily

spiked eggnog.

Maybe it was simply

a mutual desperate desire

to have ourselves

a merry little Christmas.

Whatever the reason, hooking up

has never gone more swimmingly,

and l find myself saying

something highly out of character:

Im renovating my apartment

on the Upper West Side.

But, say, you could...

...crash at my sublet,

if you want.

See you through the holidays.

That sounds inviting.

And so it came to pass,

that after all those years,

little Alfred finally got

what he wanted for Christmas.

The 12 days of Christmas

were flying by

at a surrealistic pace.

Yeah, its been quite the ride.

The package was irresistible.

A showstopper with

a new-school brand of sexiness.

Who wouldnt get off on the way

she makes heads turn?

Plus, we have so much in common.

- Shes sweet, fun, original, exciting,

- Adore you.

full of surprises.

Oh, and did l mention,

she makes a cracking good bed.

l began to wonder,

could this be the one...

...who finally holds my attention?

Happy New Year!

ln every doomed relationship,

there comes what l like to call

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