Alfie Page #5

the uh-oh moment.

When a certain little

something happens,

and you know youve just witnessed

the beginning of the end.

And suddenly you stop

and you think:

Uh-oh, iceberg ahead.

With Nikki, that was

the first of many...

...uh-oh moments.

lt began with petty arguments.

Followed by random bouts

of melancholia.

Major highs and manic lows.

This girl never knows

when shes had one too many.

And there had been constant displays

of erratic, reckless behaviour.

And thank you, no.

No, l did not have insurance.

But whenever l begin to feel

theres little reason to go on,

lm reminded that we still have

one very major thing in common.

lf only she didnt insist

on smoking before,

after

and during.

What time are you gonna

be home, honey?

Hear that?

What time are you gonna

be home, honey?

Thats dangerously close

to wife-speak to me.

Because Im making something

really special for din-din.

Din-din?

Ill call later.

Listen, are you sure you dont

think that colours a little bit intense?

- I think youre a little bit intense.

- Careful,

because youve got paint

all over your hands.

Plus, youre wearing my favourite shirt

to paint the house in, Nik. Dont...

Sorry, baby.

I gotta run.

No, Ive gotta run.

I bet that I can make it

worth your while to stay.

Im sure you can. But you know what?

Ive got that meeting.

- Havent I?

- Yeah.

You know youre in trouble when

a sight like that cant keep you planted.

When I was a boy

at St. Albans Secondary School,

the school took us

on this cultural trip

to observe art at one of the...

One of those big famous

London museums.

Anyway, when I was there,

I came across this statue

of a Greek goddess in marble.

Aphrodi... Aphrodite,

something like that.

Beautiful, she was.

Perfect female form.

Chiselled features.

Exquisite.

I stood in awe of her.

Finally, the teacher calls us

all over, and Im walking past it,

and on the way I notice,

in the side of this Greek goddess,

all these cracks,

chips, imperfections.

Ruined her for me.

Well, thats Nikki.

A beautiful sculpture...

...damaged...

...in a way you dont notice

till you get too close.

I lost the signal for a second there.

But I dont know.

Its just a lot of personal stuff

going on.

You know what I mean?

- Oh, I know.

- Welcome, Mr Alfie.

Good to see you, Elvis. Look, I hope

you dont mind me rambling on.

- Enjoy your evening, sir.

- Thank you.

As you can see, the lads

moving up in the world.

Its just that Ive got

this friend whos,

lets say, outstayed his welcome.

Absolutely right.

Its a lot tougher getting them out

than getting them in. I like that.

Youll never guess

who Im dropping in on now.

I wouldnt have believed it myself

a couple of weeks ago.

Why dont you just try being honest,

and tell your friend that the hotel

is under new management

and that they have to vacate

the premises. You know what I mean.

That kimono

does wonders for your dcolletage.

- Big word.

- Big dcolletage.

Why dont we have a drink and you

can tell me the rest of your troubles.

Instead of me listening to hers.

Thats a change.

You know, for someone

so very young, youre terribly wise.

Secret admirer?

One of many.

You would never think of bringing

a girl flowers, would you, Alfie?

It would only encourage them.

Im gonna make us that drink.

Whats your poison, sweetheart?

Ill have a spot of whiskey, please.

Midleton Rare, if youve got it.

I like dropping a fancy brand name

in now and again,

let her know she aint

the only one been around.

Why not make this

an absinthe afternoon?

Brilliant.

- No idea what shes talking about.

- Youve had absinthe?

Not recently, no.

Remind me, what is it again?

The Green Fairy. The French

impressionists liquid drug of choice.

And I got you some of those

little egg thingies you like so much.

I mention I like something once,

next thing I know,

I get it on a silver platter.

Perfect, huh?

Kind of pad I plan

to earn myself one day.

Understated elegance

with just a touch of the trendy.

Shes a regular fashionista.

You dont have to tell this one

which slingbacks go with which frock.

Owns her own cosmetics company.

Empire, actually.

Started out doing facials

in a fancy salon.

Took a handful of mud,

mixed it with a dash of papaya,

put it on the market,

and bingo:
All this.

This stuff is so illegal.

I smuggled a whole batch

of it back from Prague

in Listerine bottles.

Oh, I checked out

your business plan.

- And?

- Im impressed.

- You seem surprised.

- Not at all.

Because underneath

all that bravado

beats the heart of a guy whos a lot

smarter than he thinks he is,

but not nearly as cocky as hed like

everybody else to believe.

What are we...?

What exactly are we basing this on?

This insight into my personality?

That it takes one to know one.

What?

I was just wondering if theres

a clever little tattoo artist out there

who could change Pablo into Alfie.

Heres to clever little tattoo artists.

Jesus.

It made me feel

all warm going down.

Thats my job.

You know what they say.

What do they say?

Absinthe makes

the heart grow fonder.

Oh, great.

Check this out.

Have a look at the size of this tub.

Shes had two husbands,

both croaked,

and I have a feeling

this was the scene of the crime.

Come on, baby, lets get wet.

If she keeps this up,

were gonna be updating that tattoo

of hers a lot sooner than she thinks.

Remember how little Alfred finally got

what he wanted for Christmas?

Be careful what you wish for.

Theres something else.

Dozed off?

Yeah.

I tried waiting up for you.

- Your meeting ran late, huh?

- Very. Im knackered.

And wet.

But...

...I do want us to have

a little chat, Nikki.

Okay.

Sure.

Why dont we talk over

a midnight snack.

I made roast beef

and Yorkshire pudding.

That was your favourite

as a young lad, right?

And check the place out,

if you please.

- Your little girl worked her fanny off.

- I noticed. It looks brilliant.

Really smashing.

- So, Nik...

- Alfie, Ive been thinking.

Will you look at these

cute little potatoes?

Okay. I know I have been

a real handful lately.

I dont know, I think it has to do a lot

with me feeling displaced...

...and not totally trusting.

Sweetie, cutting to the chase.

I am gonna do better.

I promise.

I am gonna take my medication

religiously from now on.

And everything, everything

is gonna be easy and breezy.

Sound good? Honey?

So come, come and sit.

A feast awaits.

I already ate, Nik.

Of course.

No worries, well have leftovers.

I can whip up a little

corned beef hash for brunch.

Whats the matter, Alfie?

Nothing. I just...

Ive got a lot on my mind and...

- ... Im feeling a bit...

- What?

Cold? Distant? Remote? What?

Oh, Nik, this is a complete drag.

Everything happened so quickly.

- Im not the best at this sort of thing.

- What sort of thing?

I...

...dont know exactly how to say it.

Sure you do, Alfie.

Youve had plenty

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