Ali G Indahouse

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(Police siren)

(Tyres squeal)

(Helicopter passing)

(Police radio)

'You are now about to witness

the strength of street knowledge.'

(# NWA:
Straight Outta Compton)

# I'm comin'

straight outta Compton...

'When somethin' happens

in South Central Los Angeles

'nothin' happens,

it's just another n*gger dead.'

# Straight outta Compton,

crazy mothefucker named Ice Cube

# From the gang called

Niggaz With Attitude

# AK-47 is the tool

# Don't make me act

the mothefuckin' fool

# As I leave, believe I'm stompin'

# But when I come back, boy,

I'm comin' straight outta Compton #

- ? Y que mira?

- ! Si, gozale!

My friend saw you

with Ramon Camacho.

- It ain't true, Ricco.

- Shut up, ho!

It's time to teach you two a lesson.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Step back unless you want me

to bust a cap in your ass.

This is my hood

and these girls belong to me.

Belong?

That is a very sexist way

to talk about these b*tches.

Hola.! Ay que rico estas, papito!

Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ali.

J'habite in Staines.

(Hawks repeatedly)

You made me use me last tissue.

Me ain't got another one now.

Hijo su chingada madre.

? Te crees chingon, cabron?

No sabes que te puedo matar,

pinche canario.

You what? Speak to the hand

cos the face, it ain't listening.

! Matalo!

Ooh!

Sorry.

No!

Remember, life is the most

precious gift that Jah has given us.

(lmitates machine gun)

(Derisive laughter)

(Panicked shouting)

Unlucky.

You saved us.

I just really want to thank you.

- (Zip)

- ! Ay, Dios mio!

That's gonna need the two of us.

Here, let me help you with that.

(# Missy Elliot:
One Minute Man)

#... make you want me

# And I'm-a give you

some attention... #

That's very nice.

Yes, please.

Thank you very much. That's good.

(2 Pac whines)

Whatever.

(Licking)

Yeah, baby, play with the balls.

(Knocking)

- Ali, are you awake?

- For real.

Ali-Pally, do you know how late it

is? You're still in bed, all asleep.

- Sorry, Nan.

- (Growling)

# It's nice to get up in the morning

in the good old summertime

# Four and five and six o'clock

in the good old summertime

- (Snarling)

- # When the winter comes...

# It's nice to get up

in the morning...

# But better to stay in bed #

(Thud)

(Moans) That's better.

It's not nice to play with your

poopik when Nana's in the room.

- You're teaching your class today.

- Wicked.

Out of bed, choppy chop.

# Wicked, wicked

# Junglist massive

# Wicked, wicked

# Junglist massive

# Wicked, wicked

# Junglist massive

# Wicked, original...

(# Banging jungle beats,

ragga rapping)

# Booyaka! Booyaka!

# Booyaka! Booyaka!

# Booyaka! Booyaka!

# Booyaka! Booyaka!

# Incredible... #

(Drowned out by music)

- Yo, yo! Aight?

- Aight!

Urgh.

Respect.

So, what's going down

in Staines town, my n*gger?

N*gger, we just be kicking back,

sucking on some gin and juice.

Laid-back.

- Aight.

- For real.

Jezzy, is you wearing green?

I knew it. You is defected

to the lver Heath posse, innit?

- Let's stab him.

- Wait!

Me mum washed me yellow top with

my brother's blue football socks.

All right. But you tell that slag

that in the ghetto,

washing non-coloufast synthetics

at 60 degrees could be fatal.

Will you boys move?

I've told you it's a fire risk.

Hey, yo, yo, yo, what's the problem?

Four brothers chilling out,

maxing, relaxing,

it ain't too taxing.

Boof!

- Move!

- We'll sit on the bench. Yes.

(# Thumping bass)

The East Staines Massiv.

If it ain't the West Staines Massiv

outside their precious centre.

Booyakasha!

Wickety-wackety-sha! Boo!

Eastside is the best. (Kisses teeth)

Westside is the best.

(Lips squeaking)

- Eastside is the best.

- Westside is the best.

- Westside is the best.

- Eastside is the best.

Sh*t, I meant Westside is the best.

Anyways, you is on our tuf.

Once you pass

the Bumblebees Day Nursery,

just before the mini-roundabout,

then you is in the Westside.

- We don't care.

- Oh, yeah?

Your mama is so fat

that when she volunteered to clean

the cages at the zoo,

people them-a walk by and say,

"Look at that hippopotamus."

That ain't fair. It's glandular.

- Let's leave these batty boys.

- Your mama's a batty boy.

(# So Solid Crew: Ride Wid Us)

Oooh!

Slow down!

(Horn toots)

Stop!

- Eastside!

- He's gonna get himself killed.

Yo, yo, G, it's the LAPD.

Yeah? And?

Oh, man, you are one bad mofo.

I is feeling it. You rocking it?

- I'm feeling it.

- I'm checking it.

- I'm kissing it.

- I'm checking it.

(Sings drum'n'bass beat)

- Wicked!

- (Sings beat)

Wicked!

Wicked now, wicked now, wicked!

# Me got the chick-ahn,

me like the chick-ahn!

# Me got the chicken-wicken,

a-rockin' and a-pickin'

# Me got...

# A to the L to the I to the G,

Ali G, that's me, that's me

# A to the L to the I to the G,

that's G - that's me, that's me

# R to the I to the C

to the K to the Y

# That's Ricky C

Ricky C to the C to the C

# Ricky C... #

Wait. I is gonna be late

for me class. Let's go.

Crack cocaine

is destroying our community.

So when a brother makes it through,

they deserve our respect.

So let's big it up for Darren,

who's been clean and off the crack

now for eight years.

- Eight and three-quarter years.

- Whatever.

Me don't wanna say this but

most of you ain't never gonna see 11.

Booka!

Drive-bys.

- Look, he's crying. Homo! Homo!

- Hey!

We'll have none of that

language here. The word is batty boy.

(All chant) Batty boy! Batty boy!

Better. Everybody up!

Time to give out this week's badges.

First, big it up

for me main man Andy,

who has finally got

his Hot-Wiring badge

and his Advanced Swearing badge.

- Sh*t off, you hairy dog's cock.

- Respect.

Since you has got your fifth badge,

you has earned your second slit.

Hopefully one day

you'll get to be Tyrone's level.

If you gets any better,

we'll have to start doing your pubes.

- I don't have any.

- Well, I is got millions.

Now, remember -

without realness, we is nothing.

So, posse, keep it real!

(All chant) Keep it real!

On the streets, your homie

would take a cap in his ass for you.

So let's start with

a very basic trust exercise.

- One, two, three.

- Ali, can I have a word?

- Sure.

- It's about the centre.

I know how much these classes

mean to you

- and how much the kids enjoy them.

- (Groaning)

But the government's withdrawn

our funding.

They're closing down

the John Nike Leisure Centre.

You what? How is these kids meant

to make it out of the ghetto now?

- They'll have to go somewhere else.

- Somewhere else?

Do you know what this centre

means to them? And to me?

This is the spiritual home

of the West Staines Massiv.

This is like what Mecca is

to the Jews.

It's like what Kentucky is

to chickens.

And it was here when me

first felt me Julie's... (Whistles)

Ali, there's nothing you can do.

Now, you better go and tell the kids.

I ain't never gonna let them

close us down.

Keep it real, yeah?

(Woman) 'Dinner with

the Belgian prime minister at eight.

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