Ali G Indahouse Page #2

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'And the Deputy Prime Minister

wishes to speak to you.'

- Has he heard the poll results yet?

- Yes, I wish I hadn't.

Gallup puts us 22 points behind.

- And MORI?

- 23 points behind.

The youth vote's

deserting us in droves.

Focus groups say we're out of touch.

- We are.

- Don't be silly.

Will we lose this by-election?

We haven't lost Staines in 20 years

and we're not about to start.

We just have an image problem.

We have to find a candidate

who will improve that image.

Somebody young.

- Somebody ethnic.

- Somebody in touch.

- Exactly.

- You're right.

We need an intellectually superior

candidate to guarantee us victory.

- Easy now, Mrs Hugh.

- Booyakasha.

- Is me Julie about?

- She's upstairs.

Hello, baby, I's been missing you

so much today.

You is looking so fine. All I want

to do is pull your panties down...

Ali.

- Hello, me Julie.

- Stop feeling up Nina.

- I got confused.

- You're never confused with Tracey.

- Hello, Ali.

- Hello.

You know you is me only b*tch.

Ho. Lady?

When me close me eyes,

you is the only girl me think about.

# Gal flex, time to have sex

# Jump in my Lex, steam a blunt,

pop a vex

# Now you know that my style

is rated XX... #

- Ali, open your eyes.

- Sorry, there was something in them.

Because there's these fleas

going around,

two of them, coming in again

and they're in me eyes!

# Open up dem legs a-wider... #

You've been a very bad boy

and you need to be punished.

- Are you a bad boy?

- Yes, I am.

My skin is so dry.

So for being a bad boy,

I want you to rub oil into me,

paying special attention

to my breasts and my batty crease.

OK, I will do that.

But first, I want you to

take your hat off, you naughty boy.

But me never take me hat off.

You take that off

and I'll take these off.

OK.

Now I'm going to milk you.

- (Julie) 'Ali.'

- Give me one more sec.

- Behave, Alistair.

- J-Lo.

They is closing down the centre.

I is gonna go on hunger strike

until they save it... or until I die.

So just in case I do join Tupac

and Biggie in that ghetto in the sky,

I's come here to bone you

one last time.

Mr Johnson might have something

to say about that.

- Can I watch?

- I got not problem with that.

Ali!

Don't do nothing stupid, all right?

Hear me now.

She ain't really me Julie.

In real life I is going out

with someone much fitter.

But they do that

to make me more accessible.

Which means you girls think I will

knob you, even if you is a minger.

OK, you got ten seconds

till you start.

(Muffled) More! More!

OK, and go.

Mr G, why are you on hunger strike?

(Muffled) In the struggle for...

In the struggle for justice,

I is willing to lay down me life.

Just like

Martin Luther... Vandross did.

Local party chairman Alan Swan

has some names for the by-election.

This is a great honour.

I've always admired...

- The names, Swan.

- Right. Well, er...

There are three really outstanding

candidates that match your criteria.

Top of the list is Andrew Hamilton,

PhD political science,

studied PPE at Oxford,

gained a starred first.

Have you tried these new

chicken dippers?

- They're really good.

- What sauce are you going for?

I think it's barbecue.

(Roars and moans)

I can't take it!

(Ali roars)

Chicken dippers!

- Good, we can go home now.

- Oh, nips.

I'll get the keys, yeah?

Starting again from... now!

# Bring it! What? We right here... #

No.

# We right here,

this is ours and we don't share #

- What has we got here, then?

- I is doing a serious protest.

In that case, we'll leave you to it.

Oh, thanks.

There was just one thing, though.

(All laughing)

#... joint made this year

that'll knock till 2003

# Y'all gonna see

that the hottest n*gger out there

# Was and will be me

# Just like that

# I can go away for a minute

# Do some other sh*t

but bounce right back... #

(Disappointed groan)

Grow, Biggie, grow.

I has gotta get a semi lob-on.

Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Lopez lezzing off with the

big-thighed one in Destiny's Child.

Look here now!

Look at my massive beast!

(All screaming)

You filthy animal!

(lrish accent)

Oh, Shep, this rail is very dirty.

It's going to need

a lot of polishing.

(Moaning)

PhD in economics,

three years at Harvard, age 34...

Swan? Is there any reason

why there should be

an absurdly dressed,

half-naked man chained to a fence

being tossed off

by an old, blind council worker?

(Ali moaning)

Ignore him. It's the local idiot

making some pathetic protest.

Unchain him and bring him in here.

- But I'm trying to...

- Bring him in, Swan.

Straight ahead

at the top of the stairs.

# Freak me, baby

# Yeah, just like that

# Freak me, baby

# Come on, come on

# Freak me, baby

# Let me lick you up and down

# Till you say stop

# Let me play with your body, baby

# Make you real hot #

# Let me do all the tings

you want me to do

# Cos tonight, baby,

I wanna get freaky with you #

I'm Kate Hedges, the Deputy

Prime Minister's secretary.

Come in

and you can pull your pants up now.

Hello, I'm David Carlton,

the Deputy Prime Minister.

Hello.

I is Ali G, the dominating MC.

Making b*tches touch their punani.

- The number after two, it be...

- Three.

Not Ali A, not Ali B,

not Ali C, not Ali D,

not Ali...

E...

not Ali...

(Hums alphabet song)

F...

- but Ali...

- G.

Bo! Your rhymes is tight

for a honkey, yes, sir.

That's his full name and address.

Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?

I is recently gone on the dole.

- When?

- Eight years and three months ago.

It says here you claim disability.

Are you...?

Yes, I is actually spasticated.

I is got a terrible DJing injury

and still ain't got full mobility

in me mixing finger.

Fok-chickety-fok-fok-fresh. Ow.

Everything down there

is still working. Oh, yes. Yes.

Ali, erm... would you sit down?

Please, sit down.

- Would you ever become an MP?

- What for? It's full of pricks.

That's a little harsh.

I'm an MP, am I a prick?

- Yes.

- Let's try a different angle.

Is there nothing

you'd like to change?

Me'd wanna save the John Nike

Leisure Centre, obviously.

As the MP for Staines,

you could achieve that.

Would you stand in this by-election?

Me gotta be honest,

me ain't actually bi.

- Well...

- I mean,

obviously I done it with two girls.

Well, I seen it on the internet.

But me would never feel completely

comfortable being bummed by a man.

A lot of people say never say ever

but me feel strongly that me

exit hole should stay me exit hole

and never become me entry hole,

you know what I is saying?

Yes, yes.

Well, it's been

a pleasure meeting you.

David.

Later, sweetheart.

(Kate) David?

What are you doing? He was

the biggest idiot I have ever met.

- Choose him and we'll never win.

- I know.

There'll be a leadership crisis.

The PM will be out.

And who could possibly replace him?

Ali has two weeks

to lose us 18,000 votes.

Let's get him on the campaign trail.

(# Thumping hip-hop)

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