Ali G Indahouse Page #3

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Easy, rude boy. Me name be Ali G

and me is here representing Staines.

Can me count on your vote?

- Definitely not.

- Hairy muff.

Seeing as I is here,

could me interest you in

a quarter of Moroccan black?

It's well good sh*t!

Dave, it's your turn

to sh*t through the letterbox.

Our anti-bullying programme

has won lots of praise.

Instances of bullying in

this school are at an all-time low.

Jonathan used to suffer terribly

from bullies.

I ain't surprised. Look at him.

Hey, fatty bum bum. Hey, fatty bum

bum. Want another cream cake?

Boiiing! Boiiing! Boiiing!

(Laughs)

He is well fat, though.

All you mothefuckers,

f***-f***-f*** f***ers!

Vote for the G, the mothefuckin' G.

Me, the mothefuckin' G.

All the b*tches in the house say yo.

Vote for me

cos me know what you lezzers want.

I is a big supporter of your cause

and I is got many of your videos.

If you vote for me, me give you me

pledge to lower taxes on strap-ons.

(Jeering)

Why is you getting so eggy?

Is you all on?

Ladies and gentlemen, to commemorate

the town hall extension,

we're asking all the candidates

to lay down a brick.

Ali, would you lay one for us now?

- What, here?

- We would be honoured.

- In front of everyone?

- Yes.

(Groans of disgust)

Not bad.

This is absolutely vital.

with one day to go

we are eight points behind.

Listen. Did you get the manifesto

that I sent to you?

- You got a roach?

- Er... For real.

(# Reggae)

- You got another roach?

- Yeah, for real.

(Ali) Yeah.

(Ricky) Wicked.

Yes. It was very helpful.

Come with me.

Good luck. Don't hold back.

(# News theme)

In the most crucial by-election

of the past decade,

we're joined by ex-Environment

Secretary David Griffiths

and newcomer Ali G.

This debate will help you

make up your mind.

Ali, if elected,

what would you do for Staines?

Me'd save

the John Nike Leisure Centre.

You can't mean your sole policy

is to save a centre that's barely

used and a terrible drain on funds?

What are your other policies?

- My other policies?

- Yes, you must have some.

Well...

I think it is well important

to reduce inflay-tee-on

and also to invest in the nehuss.

(Ali) The nahuss.

- Oh, the NHS.

- You're reading from my sheet.

No, I ain't. I is thought of them

things meself, you copied from me.

It wasn't me.

Then perhaps you'd tell me

where you stand on the ERM?

No problem. Me thought

their first album was wack.

Me hate all indie music.

The voters deserve better, you're

making a mockery of this debate.

What? Is you looking in the mirror?

You're making it obvious

to the voters what a buffoon you are.

Talking about yourself again?

I think so.

You are an embarrassment

to the people of Staines.

That is not a nice way

to talk about your mum.

I put it to you that you are

the worst possible candidate

ever put forward

by your miserable party.

Well, I put it to you...

that you sucked off a horse.

(Gasping)

I did not, er... suck off a horse.

I have already dealt with this issue

with the party chairman

and as I explained to him,

I was out hunting with a friend

and I slipped onto

the end of a horse's phallus,

which, unfortunately,

owing to it being the mating season,

was aroused.

'Why is he going?

Does he need to go and do a pony?

'Ls that a yes or a neigh?

'Why isn't he speaking?

Is he a bit hoarse?

'Was that a lie or the tr-hoof? '

Tell you what, they ought to read

the gallop polls tomorrow!

'More drama with the unexpected

withdrawal of David Griffiths.

'Tomorrow's vote is now between

Thomas Alvarez and Ali G,

'with the result too close to call.'

Thomas Alvarez,

Liberal Democrat, 5,080 votes.

Alistair Leslie Graham...

Who? What a stupid name.

- (Announcer)... 5,086 votes.

- You won! You did it!

(Announcer) And I now declare

Ali G has been duly elected

as Member of Parliament for Staines.

Do you want to see the new

Member of Parliament, aight?

(Giggling)

(Speaker feedback)

(Ali, amplified) 'Look how I is

touching meself. Do you like that?

'Ls that turning you on? '

(Julie) 'Not really.'

(Ali) 'Mm.

(Silly voice)

'Give a kiss to Mr Gherkin.'

(Julie) 'You're so long and hard! '

(Ali) 'That's the handbrake.'

(Julie) 'Now, let's get jiggy.'

(Ali singing)

# Mr Boombastic, reggae fantastic!

# Take it as a dooby-dooby-doogy

# Mr Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro...

# Mmmmmmantic! #

(Whimpers)

Is it in yet?

Big up yourself. Respect.

- Big up yourself.

- MP for Staines.

I know you. You was the geezer

that did it with that prossie.

Respect.

- Because this government...

- Order! Order!

This government's conduct

of economic policy

has not only been incompetent,

it has been unscrupulous,

untrustworthy and untruthful.

They is dissin' our posse.

I is gonna sort this.

- (Speaker) Order. Order now.

- And look at this!

Order! Order! Will the Member

for Staines return to his seat?

Will the Member for Staines

return to his seat?!

Order! Order in the House!

- What is he doing?

- I'm not sure, Prime Minister.

(All shouting)

- For you to come down to me...

- Shhh.

Relax ya batty.

Look at you!

All you ever do all day long

is cuss each other.

R-E-S-T-E-C-P.

- Do you even know what that spells?

- Restecp?

- Yes. Restecp.

- Restecp.

How's anyone out there

meant to restecp each other

if you lot in here don't even start

restecp-ing one another?

Sergeant, eject him.

Wanna know how to make this country

better? It's simple. Two words.

- Keep it real.

- That's three words.

Don't be a spanner. "lt" ain't

a real word. It's short for "innit".

- Keep it real!

- He is banned from the House.

Is it cos I is black?

What in God's name

have you done to me?

I want that idiot in my office

with his resignation.

Yes, Prime Minister.

- (Knock on door)

- Come in.

- Listen, me know me done wrong.

- Haven't you read the papers?

I can't believe it.

This dog can play table tennis.

- It's the press, they love you.

- But how can he hold the bat?

The Deputy Prime Minister and I

were wondering,

what if I asked you

to join the Cabinet?

No, think about it.

Ali joins the Cabinet,

the two of them are publicly aligned.

Ali slips up,

he takes that old prat with him.

Why would Ali join?

I've told the Prime Minister

to offer to save his leisure centre.

- Are you mad? That would...

- Let me finish.

Offers to save his leisure centre

if Ali gets him a 20-point poll lead.

Now I is in the Cabinet and all,

could I see the red button?

- Can I trust you?

- Yes.

All right. Here we are.

One touch on that red button

could destroy the whole world.

- That is very interesting because...

- No!

Fell for it!

Ali, please, stand away. Dear me.

- Can't we blow up something?

- No!

- Please?

- No.

- Somewhere shitty like Wales.

- Ali.

Their Prime Minister

called your mum a slag.

I am the Prime Minister of Wales!

You shouldn't say that

about your mum.

Your first Cabinet meeting is

Thursday. It's about asylum seekers.

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