Ali G Indahouse Page #4

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(Prime Minister) I'm sending you

on a fact-finding mission.

Anyone trying to smuggle

will probably come through here.

And it's not just immigrants.

Look at this.

You'll be appalled.

Look at this crap.

Marijuana smuggled in from Europe,

South America and the Middle East.

That is terrible. (Tuts)

- Is there any skunk?

- Yes.

Some scumbag

smuggled in 15 kilos of this.

It's the strongest

super skunk ever discovered.

Over here are the confiscated

weapons and this is where we keep...

(Shouting aggressively)

You must have such a laugh here.

- No, we don't.

- Oh.

Next we have the mountains

of hardcore pornography,

most of it from Germany.

You may want to look away.

No. I is got a job to do.

(Whimpers)

I know. It makes me feel sick, too.

I have to compile me report now,

so if you'd f*** off.

Certainly, sir.

Westminster will be sending down

experts to help with me research.

(Whispering and laughing)

Hello. We is experts.

(Cheesy music, people moaning)

'Sprutze in die Arse! '

Ali, tell us,

what did you find out in Dover?

Me saw a lot of stuff,

most of it from Germany,

of these blokes going in

through the back door.

He's right.

In Germany, I experienced it myself.

- Respect.

- I remember one time

there were these

two huge African men

who managed to squeeze themselves

into... this tiny box.

- How long was they in there for?

- 15 hours.

- It was incredibly emotional.

- It must've hurt.

- It still does.

- Sorry.

So, John, what are we going to do

about these asylum seekers?

We can't let them all in,

it would cripple the economy.

Oooh!

- Yes, Ali?

- Let's think about this.

What's the main thing

we ain't got enough of in the UK?

- Hospitals.

- No.

- Libraries?

- Behave!

We ain't got enough fit women.

And we's got too many mingers.

No offence, Karen.

So we let in all the fit refugees

and turn away the rank ones.

Then we solve both problems.

We is knobbing two birds

with one connie.

- This is ludicrous.

- What do you think?

I think... we should keep it real.

Fit.

Fit... fit.

Wait.

Back to Slovenia.

Education standards

are at their lowest for 15 years.

That is because kids is learning

stuff that ain't no use to them.

Who here has ever used maths?

Or English?

Exactly. Let's start

making education relevant.

If Kevin buys six ounces

of Jamaican sinsemilla from Fat Tony

for $480 cash in hand,

and has to divide it

amongst 11 of his customers,

how much should he charge

for an eighth

so he can make $100 profit

to pay off his child support?

The situation in Northern Ireland

is spiralling out of control.

Hear me now.

The only way you is ever gonna get

Hindus to stop killing Islams...

- Catholics fighting Protestants.

- Whatever.

...is to get some really fit woman

to get her babylons out for peace.

- Prime Minister...

- Not you, love.

The army is costing the British

taxpayer $4.2 billion a year.

How will the government

reduce this figure?

We is gonna hire the A-Team.

Her Majesty the Queen.

Your Majesty, may I introduce

Ali G, MP for Staines?

Hello, cheeky. You is much fitter

than you look on them coins.

Next time me put a 50p piece

in me pocket

me will feel honoured having

your head so close to me nuts.

Nothing's working, the jobless

figures are at their highest level.

The UK has a special relationship

with the US. Do you like Bush?

Me love bush. Me love anything that

gives foliage to the punani area.

Would you do a dance for me, please?

- Oh, my God.

- Shaven haven. Respect.

- 'As Ali G's influence grows... '

- '... a 12-point lead.'

'The Queen says

he's a breath of fresh air.'

- 'Ali G mania sweeps the UK.'

- 'Charismatic MP Ali G... '

"As of 12 o'clock,

all Rizlas will be free.

"To discourage their use, there

will be a levy of 25p on panties.

"This will exclude thongs.

"As for the health service,

"marijuana will be made available

free on the NHS

"for the treatment of chronic

diseases such as itchy scrot.

- "Furthermore, I am a bell end..."

- (Ali laughing)

- I can't be expected...

- Get along, David.

"I like to take it up da batty.

"Yes, I do. It feel really nice

and is me favourite.

"I used to be a girl

and wear knicks. Honest.

"Ask me mum."

(Laughter)

War looms in Central Africa.

Britain to host a peace conference.

A triumphant budget

from Britain's most controversial MP.

(TV off)

(# Nelly:
El)

# Unh unh-unh-unh-unh,

unh, wait a minute now

# Uh-oh

# Unh, unh

# Can y'all hear me?

# Unh, unh

# Is y'all ready?

# Let me hear ya

# Uh-oh... #

A fancy frock don't make up for

months of neglect.

Me know.

This is new to me

so don't leave me on my own.

Don't worry, baby.

(Chatter, string quartet playing)

It's the Prime Minister,

let me get his autograph.

- Boss, this is me Julie.

- Lovely.

Should we meet our delegates?

President Wattana from Thailand.

- It is an honour to meet you.

- Thai, aight? Present.

Let's move along. Do forgive me.

This is the Mongolian delegate.

Is you a genuine mong?

That is fantastic that you lot

is also being represented here.

(Speaks Mongolian)

I will... go and get you...

some nice... crayons.

Shall we carry on?

Thank you, do forgive me.

They really can do anything.

This is Borat from Kazakhstan.

Jagshemash.

- Bless you.

- It is nice to meet you.

Get off, you batty boy!

Ali, all right. Please forgive me.

You are a cocksucker.

Bonjour.

Canape, sir?

Me Julie.

Julie.

(Sobbing)

Hello?

What you doing up here? Why not

stay downstairs with that posh girl?

- We was talking about politics.

- I ain't interested, just shut up!

Well, me won't speak no more.

You really are a prat.

Now, come here.

We can't. This is the PM's bedroom.

Well...

Why don't you pretend to be

the Prime Minister?

Cheeky.

(Julie giggles)

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

In advance of tomorrow's summit,

I shall be having private talks

with both parties.

First, President Mwepu,

would you care to join me upstairs?

- A pleasure.

- Thank you.

(Julie moaning, bed springs creaking)

(Banging, chandeliers clinking)

(Man moaning)

(Banging and moaning crescendos)

(Crash, then silence)

I must say, I enjoyed that.

(Prime Minister) So did I.

I'm so glad we thrashed it out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want everyone here to know

that President Mwepu here

is a very big man.

And I would like you to know that

the Prime Minister was very hard

- but very straight.

- (All gasping)

The President was very much on top

to start off with

but I don't mind telling you,

I was in a deep hole.

- Oh, very deep.

- (Gasping)

We had some sticky patches

but I'm delighted to say

- we came together in the end.

- (Gasping)

Yes, I lapped up everything

that you had to offer.

Now President Oompeba,

would you care to join me upstairs?

No bloody way.

Can I come?

Come on, honey, let's go home.

- I'll cook you up your favourite.

- Angel Delight?

Yeah, butterscotch.

(Both) Mmmm. Butterscotch.

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