Ali G Indahouse Page #5

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This bit is for the girls,

to show that me can be

well sensitive.

By the way, if any of you b*tches

is fit and into doggy,

here is me mobile number.

Callers must be over 16.

But not by too much.

Me can't. They need me at

the peace conference tomorrow.

You what? What about the people

who really need you?

What about Ricky?

What about Dave?

What about me, Ali?

Please come back to Staines.

The world is bigger than Staines.

And me gotta save it.

You'll have to do it

on your own, then.

Me Julie. Me Julie?

Let me call you back.

We've gotta get rid of him

before the centre's saved.

- What I thought...

- You thought?!

The US will do everything

in its power

to support Chad in its struggle

against its neighbours.

Russia will not allow this

Western oppression to continue

and in order to support

Burkina Faso,

is prepared to utilise

all our military capabilities.

- That's outrageous!

- How can you make such a statement?

- Ali, Ali, Ali.

- (Jungle beats from headphones)

- Armageddon's breaking out, help.

- Sure, bro.

The United States

will not be intimidated.

We will meet any show of force

with our full military might!

(Angry shouting)

Oi!

You know why they is shouting?

They ain't been fed their teas.

Come on, choppy chop.

(Shouting continues)

Moving to a motion,

all those in favour of sending Iran

to the gas station

to get some potato chips

and chocolate, raise your hand.

For real.

(Giggling)

Oh, bummer.

# Tease me, tease me, tease me,

tease me, baby... #

I'm sorry we invaded you.

It was really uncool.

Who cares? It's all in the past.

If I was going to be invaded

by anyone,

I am happy it was you.

You are really cool.

You have nice clothes.

- You saved my white ass, Ali.

- No problem, bredrin.

Big up the herbal tea, aight?

Hey, you, Britain!

Respect.

How does he do it?

#... catchin' a big fish

# Yes, you are on top

of my romance list

# Second to none,

you defeat the favourite

# Woman, your love

is like burnin' fire in my soul

# Woman, tease me

till me lose control

# Woman, your love is like

burnin' fire in me soul

# Woman, tease me

till me lose control

# Tease me, tease me, tease me,

tease me, baby #

We're quite a team, Ali.

Thanks to you we're 22 points ahead.

- I'm gonna save your centre.

- Wicked! Bo! Bo! Bo!

(Ali) Check out all the Peperami!

(PM) For you - this is your moment.

(Shouting)

Will you comment on accusations

that you drugged the world leaders?

- You what?

- Our evidence proves you're guilty.

Er...

"Our evidence proves you're guilty."

- This is just childish.

- "This is just childish!"

By employing this rhetorical tactic

you incriminate yourself further.

By... tactic... your father.

This bag was sent to my office

anonymously.

Do you deny that you stole it

from Customs & Excise?

That could be anyone's.

I is gotta go. I is turtling.

I is actually touching cloth.

A few more questions!

There goes your leisure centre.

Clear your desk before you go.

Prime Minister.

Big up yourself, Ali.

- It won't be the same without you.

- We'll miss you, Mr G. Respect.

- Booyakasha.

- Westside.

(Children shouting and playing)

Flippin' heck.

Nan, can I borrow your car?

# What would I be without my baby?

# The thought alone might break me

# And I don't wanna go crazy

# But every thug needs a lady

# Girl, it feel like you and I been

mourning together

# Inseparable, we chose pain

over pleasure

# For that you'll forever be

a part of me

# Mind body and soul

ain't no I in we, baby

# Where would I be without you?

# I only think about you

# I know you're tired of being lonely

# So baby girl, put it on me

# What would I be without you?

# I only think about you... #

(# The Commodores:

Three Times A Lady)

# Thanks for the times

that you've given me

# The memories are all in my mind

# You're once

# Twice

# Three times a lady

(Doorbell)

- # And I lo... #

- (Music off)

Having a bad day? Maybe I can help.

- Is it nippy outside?

- Very.

- What is you doing here?

- Let me show you.

'So today's main news again.

'The Prime Minister has resigned

after the discovery of security tape

'showing him having perverse sexual

intercourse with a prostitute.'

(Frantic moaning)

That's no prostitute, that's me ho!

'As of now the Deputy Prime Minister

will be acting Prime Minister.'

That ain't fair, that weren't the

PM. Where's the rest of the tape?

My boss has locked it

in a safe at Chequers,

- where it's staying.

- You won't get away with this.

If you keep your mouth shut,

David's willing to be very generous.

I'm willing to be very generous.

(Slurping)

All that you have to do

is keep your mouth... shut.

- I'm tuning up my engine, Ali.

- (Slurping)

Fill me with petrol.

I is gonna pump you

with me five-star unleaded, aight!

- Let me see your nozzle.

- What?

You wanna see me knob? All right.

(# Another Level: Freak Me)

# Let me lick you up and down

# Till you say stop

# Let me play with your body, baby

# Make you real hot

# Let me do all the things

you want me to do

# Cos tonight, baby,

I wanna get freaky with you

# Baby, don't you understand?

# I wanna be your nasty man... #

- (Music stops)

- Give me your fuel injection.

'Ln tomorrow's phone-in, we ask,

'have you ever slept with a pig?

I certainly have.'

(Judy) 'And we'll find out what

turns girls like this into slags.'

No one calls me Julie a slag.

Come to mama.

Take them off.

(# Betty Boo:
Where Are You Baby)

# You drive me crazy

Somebody tell me where he's gone

# Where are you, baby?

We used to have so much fun

# You drive me crazy... #

(Kids chanting) 'Keep it real!

Keep it real! Keep it real! '

This ain't right. Here...

Set it to vibrate

and finish yourself off.

(Grunting in pain)

Open up!

Yo, blood, I need your help.

Everyone's calling me Julie a slag.

They heard about our three-header?

What three-header?

Anyways, I can prove she ain't.

Bredrin, we gotta restart

Drive-By FM. What ya say?

- Drive-By FM is back!

- Wicked!

- Let's go.

- Is you any good at knots?

Yo, hear me now,

hear me now, rewind.

This is Drive-By FM,

the sound of the ghetto,

from deep in the heart of Berkshire.

(Both imitating automatic gunfire)

Phut-phut-phut-phut,

phut-phut-phut-phut!

- What was that?

- Helicopter.

Oh, you was doing the wings.

That's good.

Hear me now, gangstas. There is

some serious sh*t going down.

The Prime Minister, check it,

has been chucked out by a geezer

who is a massive dong.

He is even more eviller

than Skeletor.

To get the PM back in,

me needs to get hold of this tape

of me knobbing me b*tch.

If you help me rescue this video,

we can save the country.

- Plus you will see Julie's babylons.

- Wicked!

That is why I is calling all of you

to end the Berkshire tuf wars.

There has been enough

brothers slain.

So put down your AKs,

lay down your Uzis,

and unite

into one massive...

massive.

- 'So big up the Eton Wick Crew.'

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