Ali G Indahouse Page #6

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- 'Hold tight.'

'Hold tight the lver Heath Posse.'

Shout going out

to the Englefield Green Massiv.

And me never thought

me would ever say this...

but big up the East Staines Massiv.

- Ali, what you doing, man?

- Shh.

Hear this, Hassan B.

If you join us,

then I is prepared to hand over

the Boris the Spider climbing frame

in Leagrove Park.

Let's do what Tupac and Biggie

never managed. Aight?

If you is joining

this military operation,

meet up in camouflage

at John Nike Leisure Centre,

nine tomorrow morning.

That's a bit early.

Can we make it 12?

Sorry I is late.

But there was something on the telly

about monkeys.

They is well funny, what?

With their arms and...

Respect for wearing camouflage.

It will help you go undetected.

Now, let's go to Chequers

and rescue that tape.

Let's do this for Britain.

Let's do this for me Julie.

And let's do this for hip-hop!

Selecta!

Selecta!

(# Public Enemy:
Fight The Power)

# Fight the power!

# Fight the power!

# Fight the power!

# Fight the power!

# Fight the power #

I has drawn up

a detailed plan of Chequers.

The tape is in the PM's office,

in a safe.

First up, Ricky, Dave and me

will go in.

Jezzy, you stay here.

We's gonna be like the A-Team.

- And I is BA Baracus.

- I wanna be BA Baracus.

Urgh.

But I is very much like him.

"I ain't gettin' in no plane."

Uh-uh -

"I ain't gettin' in no plane!"

- "I ain't gettin' in no plane!"

- "Shut up, fool."

Look, gold.

"I ain't gettin' in no plane!"

- "Step back, kiss myself."

- That's James Brown.

You'll be Murdock.

Dave, you'll be Face.

- What do we do?

- Stay here and we all hide

and blend into the natural habitat.

'Then, when it gets dark,

me will make the secret signal.'

(Beatboxing)

Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, rewind.

Let's go!

(Ali) 'Then tune all your radios

to the baddest street garage station

'and crank up the volume to the max.

'This will bring out the guards

'and at that point we will use

our cunning to overpower them.'

- Bundle!

- (Shouting)

(Phone ringing)

- Sir?

- What's going on?

'I'm sure it's nothing

but I've sent some men out.'

I want maximum security.

Patrol the house.

(Ali) 'The Great Hall is exactly

like the one in Lara Croft's house

'in Tomb Raider 2 on PlayStation.

'So Dave, if you run at the pillar,

that goes to the underwater kingdom

'and on to the next level.'

- (Crash)

- Urgh.

'Lf that don't work, we must somehow

cross the touch-sensitive floor.

'Lf we lift our feet at all,

we're dead.'

(# West Street Mob:

Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)

# Electric boogie, break dance,

electric boogie, break dance... #

(Trainers squeaking)

Nothing. We'll keep on looking.

'Next up, we is gotta go through

the laser room.

'Dave, you'll use your

special skills to help us through.'

Remember, if we break any beams

it will set the alarms off,

so extra careful. Now, let's do it.

(# Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)

# This is the funk, now hit me

# Just get on down and hit me

# Their bodies getting so funky,

now hit me

# You gotta rock it don't stop it,

you gotta rock it don't stop it

# You gotta rock it don't stop it,

you gotta rock it don't stop #

'This must be the PM's office.

The tape is in there.'

Intruders in my office. This is

a terrorist attack, shoot on sight.

Repeat, shoot on sight.

- Ah, safe.

- Yeah, safe, man.

- No, the safe.

- Yeah, I is safe. Open that.

- Ali, this safe.

- Yeah, I is feeling fine.

- The safe, the safe.

- Yeah, man, I is safe!

(High-pitched) Behind you!

Hold on.

I thought you couldn't speak.

I've just always been terribly

embarrassed about my voice.

All right, don't go on about it.

Stop giving it all that.

Now, if me can just interrupt

your life story for one second...

let's tie these geezers up

and get that safe open.

No.

I got it. Link up the batteries

of all the cars outside,

transfer the current

through a human chain

and blow this mother open!

- Won't we get electricalocuted?

- We won't get fried

cos we've got rubber-soled trainers.

Trust me, I got a D in physics.

Wicked. I'll text them.

(Beeping)

No, b-eight-two-rez - be-attories,

batteries.

Me was trying to save time.

Bambaclat.

- Switch on the engine, pass it on.

- Switch on the engine, pass it on.

Your voice!

Switch on the engine, pass it on.

- Switch on the engine, pass it on.

- Switch on the engine, pass it on...

- B*tch on a pension, suck my dong.

- What?

- Should I turn the engine on?

- Yeah.

(Engines roar)

(# Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)

# This is the funk, now hit me

# Just get on down and hit me... #

- What is you doing?

- I'm being pulled!

No!

(Choir) # He's our saviour #

- Ha-ha! Bo! Bo!

- (All cheering)

We open up the safe!

- Peace, man.

- Peace, bredrin.

Ali! Ali!

- The tape ain't here.

- What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Look for yourself.

All it is is some photographs...

Eugh.

And there's a map of Staines.

Jah Ras Tafari, Haile Selassie.

They is extending Heathrow Airport.

That means...

they is gonna destroy Staines.

And they is starting in...

three hours.

(David) Two hours, 57 minutes,

to be precise.

Why build it over Staines?

Because I have bought 600 acres

of land there. Give me those.

Don't try escaping because this room

doubles as a nuclear bunker.

It is completely impenetrable

to the outside world.

And I've forgotten to put on

the air supply.

Why don't you nip out now

and stick it on?

You really are unbelievably stupid.

(Ali) Oi! Knob-end!

- What?

- Give me them plans.

- Or what?

- Or nipple cripple, that's what.

Chinese burn!

(Wails)

You hurt my nose,

you f***ing nutcase.

Look behind you because there's

a thousand police officers.

Look behind you,

there's Jennifer Lopez.

What? You want to bone him right

this second cos you is so horny?

Look, there's 20 squid on the floor.

There's a squirrel

with the head of a chicken

and with, like,

wings and everything that's just...

- Is you gonna hit me again?

- Mmm.

Now I'm going to shoot you.

Booyakasha!

(Groans)

This is from the people of Staines.

(Air hissing)

(Tiny fart)

Ooh. I think I followed through.

(Ali) 'Me Julie, you there?

Me know what you must think of me.

'I been a piece of knob cheese but

me got to save Staines with your help

'and I has shat meself.'

Sh*t. Ricky and Dave!

Ricky?

(Panting)

We thought if we was gonna die

we might as well give it a go.

- Well, what's it like?

- It's not bad.

- Dave?

- Quite nice, actually.

We'll talk about this later.

We gotta save Staines.

Two minutes, see you in the car?

Be quick. The Feds is coming and

you don't want to finish up inside.

(Women shouting) Save our centre!

Save our centre!

Hold on tight.

Leave 'em alone,

you pigs, they're senile!

Send in, send in!

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Ali! I love you!

Juliiieeee!

- Hello.

- Start the demolition.

Wait! Don't listen to him!

He's a criminal.

And not even the good kind

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